SEASON 9 EPISODE 2
(EPISODE 180)
THIS IS IT:
This is the Seymour
Skinner story. Sort of. It is one of those weird Simpsons episodes
that is stand alone and feels the equivalent of “let’s never speak of this
again” (which is reiterated at the end).
From a continuity perspective it is infuriating but on the plus side it
features Martin Sheen. The episode opens with Principal Skinner
walking along the corridors of Springfield Elementary at 3PM inspecting his school (“I have
it going on”). Meanwhile Superintendent
Chalmers, who has been following him, steps into the Faculty Lounge complaining
“God lord! The rod up that man’s butt
must have a rod up its butt”. At this
point Miss Krabappel offers him a cup of coffee
flavoured beverine which he takes grey with creamium. At this point he makes an announcement that in hour of Skinner’s
20th year as principal they have decided to hold a surprise tribute
on the coming Friday night. At this
point Groundskeeper Willy pipes up “it’s my 20th year too” which
prompts Chalmers to cruelly respond “the teachers’ lounge is for teachers
Willy” causing him to spit on the floor as he leaves. We cut to Lisa’s classroom where Miss Hoover is requesting a
volunteer to present an oral report on Principal Skinner’s life at the
tribute. Obviously she is thinking of
Lisa but naturally Ralph puts up his hand asking the famous question: “Miss
Hoover, which one is oral?” to which she responds with the handy rhyme “out of
your mouth, Ralph”. In the end she
selects Lisa but to keep things fair she suggests that she and Ralph can do the
presentation together. Back home Bart
is scooping up meatballs with little American flags
inserts causing Marge to ask what he’s doing to which he responds “our class is
making refreshments for Skinner’s party.
These are in honour of his army days” to which Marge says “that explains
the flags but what about the dog food?”
“My theory is, Skinner likes dog food” at which point Homer comes along
excitedly declaring “a fresh batch of America balls” before scoffing them. With this we cut to Skinner’s house where he
is making his weekly silhouette at which point his mother screams asking him
what the time is (“7 o’clock Friday night, time for our weekly
silhouette”). At this point she steps
in all dressed up saying “no, cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand
cramp”). Soon Skinner notices that his
mother is all dressed up as he enquires why to the battering response “because
I’m sick of this house and I’m sick of you. Tonight we’re going for a drive”.
He asks “what’s so special about tonight?” to which she insists
“nothing. Now put on your special suit
and get in the car”. From here he
drives to the school where on the sign outside it says “Tonight: Surprise
Tribute to Seymour Skinner”. Curious
about the visit Skinner asks Agnes what the sign says at which point she slaps
him before leading him into the gymnasium where several members of the
community jump out as a surprise. With
this Skinner sheds a tear and says “mother, you are still the master of
deception”. We cut to Lisa and Ralph
giving their presentation with Lisa reading facts about Skinner’s army exploits
while Ralph makes simple but sweet statements.
The music teacher then conducts his class singing the theme to Flipper albeit
with the words changed to “they call him Skinner, no one you see is stricter
than he”. At this point a shady
character passes the school reading the sign out front in shock, telling his
driver to stop. Back inside at the
tribute Superintendent Chalmers introduces the anniversary cake which is
wheeled out by Bart and Milhouse at which point Bart says “hope you all brought
forks and plates” as the camera cuts to Chief Wiggum gleefully displaying that
he has brought his own. With this
Skinner goes up onstage to blow out the candles after which he shakes Bart’s
hand where he has a hand buzzer which Skinner naively refers to as an
“enjoyment buzzer”. As he gives a thank
you speech out of the shadows emerges another man claiming to be Skinner who
Agnes recognises before promptly fainting.
With this Superintendent Chalmers requests that “would somebody please
remove that crazy man” at which point Seymour confesses that he’s an
impostor. While the room reacts in
shock Homer sneakily acts shocked while slowly moving towards the cake. From here we cut to Skinner’s office where
they are attempting to resuscitate Agnes and Chalmers asks the new man who he
is. It turns out that the existing
Skinner was in the real Skinner’s platoon but he believed that he was killed on
a scouting mission however he was just captured (“its kind of a funny
story”). In the end after fives in a
POW camp in Vietnam he was sold to China for slave labour and since 1977 he has
been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop. It transpires that the U.N. just shut down the factory last week
and the embassy shipped him home.
Asking the existing Skinner his story it is revealed that his real name
is Armin Tamzarian prompting gasps from everyone in the room except for Bart
who laughs his head off. Tamzarian is
an orphan from Capital City and was once himself a street punk. Inevitably he was arrested at which point he
was given the option of imprisonment, the military or apologising to the judge
who he ran over and the old lady whose purse he stole. He chose the army without realising that the
Vietnam War was going on (“I probably would have apologised”). He turns out to be a reckless soldier whose
dreams “all involve combing my hair”.
Sad to hear this Sergeant Skinner tells him of his dream to return to
Springfield and become principal of the school. Tamzarian responds saying “some might call that a pretty corny
dream” but he is sold and inspired.
With this Sergeant Skinner takes Tamzarian under his wing and shows him
that life is worth living, thinking of him as the big brother he had never
had. One day after landing from a
helicopter Skinner is hit by a large shell prompting everyone to believe that
he is missing presumed dead and with that Tamzarian’s future dies again. When he returns to the U.S. Tamzarian feels
it his duty to return Skinner’s belongings at which point a confused Agnes
thinks that he is Skinner. She says
that he looks different but still he “must be Seymour” at which point she
cunningly points him in the direction of Skinner’s room (“upstairs, third door
on the left”) subtly revealing that she knows what she is doing/scheming. So with that Tamzarian makes his final
confession that for the past 26 years he has been living out the real Skinner’s
dream. With this Agnes now disowns her
existing son while also rejecting the real Seymour Skinner (“I have no son”). Resigned to the situation Tamzarian
announces “I guess I’ll have to find a hotel” at which point Chalmers says “I
won’t hear of it, you can sleep on the floor of your office”. The next morning Bart wakes Tamzarian after
being sent to him by Krabappel for forging Homer’s signature on his report card
although he doesn’t see this as being any different to Tamzarian stealing
Skinner’s identity to which he concedes it would be somewhat hypocritical to
punish Bart. Later while buying
groceries at the Kwik-E-Mart Tamzarian experiences identity confusion as to
which name to sign his check with (“just put an X by your name and call
yourself whatever the hell you want”).
At this point he tells Apu that there is no need for profanity saying
that he is still the same person he was last week at which point Marge butts in
and tells him he’s not, expressing distaste at being lied to (“to me you’re
just a stranger pretending to be something he’s not”). On that note he calls an assembly to
announce his retirement (“effective as of the end of this sentence”) as he
suggests/recommends Sergeant Skinner as his replacement (“if a man pretending
to be me can do it then the real me must be far more qualified”). With this Tamzarian moves out of the Skinner
house and leaves Springfield visited Edna on the way. She pleads with him to stay but he decides to leave the town
forever. On his way he visits his
Stor-U-Stuff unit, puts on his old leather jacket announces “time to pick up
where I left off, as a no good street punk”.
From here he rides his motorbike out of town. We cut to a news storage by Kent Brockman of the town opening its
arms to the new Seymour Skinner. At a
public address with Mayor Quimby he announces that Springfield beats the older
slave labour camp. Watching at home
Lisa expresses some doubts over Sergeant Skinner expressing admiration for how
Armin Tamzarian pulled himself up from the gutter with hard work. Bart reiterates how he lied to everyone but
Lisa says it was just a name using the “would a rose under any other name”
cliché to which Bart counters “not if you called them “Stench Blossoms” as
Homer adds “or Crap Weeds”. Marge
states that she would hate to receive Crap Weeds for Valentines Day and how she
would prefer to receive candy. To this
Homer factors “not if they were called “Scum Drops”. Back at Springfield Elementary the new Principal Skinner
struggles as he despairs at the pupils’ inability to do the Pledge Of
Allegiance (primarily Bart). Skinner
considers this an insult to everything he suffered for. He also clashes with Edna when asking her to
recite the pledge after describing her as “someone who gave their youth in
service of their country” (“you haven’t dealt with women in a long time have
you Sergeant”). Meanwhile in Capital
City Tamzarian is pushing his motorbike back in his old neighbourhood. He spots a “Help Wanted” sign at Topless
Nudes which he applies for and gets as the next thing we see is him stood
outside wearing a sandwich board that says “Nude! Nude! Nude!” while he reads
from a script “oh yes, oh yes. Capital
City’s nakedest ladies. They’re not
even wearing a smile not suggestively.
Yes six, count ‘em, six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and
catcalls, yowsa yowsa”. Back at the
Skinner house in Springfield the time is 7.30PM and Agnes is stressing at
Seymour asking where he has been. He
says that he’s been at a bar, something she claims not to know before ordering
him to come straight home after school on Fridays as it is “silhouette
night”. With this Seymour states that
he just really came home to change into a turtleneck before telling her that he
is borrowing her car causing great tension for her. The next time we see Agnes she is at the supermarket where Marge
bumps into her and asks how her “new son is working out?” Angrily she responds “that child is the most
disobedient smart alecky middle aged man in creation” at which point Edna pops
up asking “hello ladies is this the line for people that want to bad mouth
Sergeant Skinner?” Marge points out
that it’s the line for ten items or less so Edna throws various items from her
trolley to bring it down to ten before stating “the man’s a weenie”. In his defence Marge states that Armin
Tamzarian was just as big a weenie to which Edna cries “but he was our weenie”
as Agnes adds “now there was a weenie you could be proud of to call your
son”. On this bombshell Marge asks “did
you ever tell him that?” With this we
cut to Homer driving Edna, Agnes, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Grandpa and Jasper
to Capital City. During the drive
Grandpa tries it on with Agnes who responds “in your dreams” as he promptly
nods off. They find Tamzarian living at
The Ritz-Carlton Hotel For Transients where the nine of them try to persuade
him to return to Springfield. Angered
by this response Agnes tells him that she has been raising him for 26 years and
that he is her real son stating that the real Seymour Skinner doesn’t need her
and she doesn’t need him. With this she
orders him to go downstairs and get in the car before telling the rest of the
group to do so too. Homer drives
Tamzarian straight to Springfield Elementary where a gathering crowd welcomes
him back. He announces that he is going
to take over the school again. On this
announcement Mayor Quimby voices hesitation describing Armin Tamzarian as “an
savoury character who played us all for chumps” prompting Homer to state that
he “doesn’t care. His mom doesn’t
care. Do any of you care?” to the
resounding response of “no”. With
Sergeant Skinner points out that everyone seems to be forgetting that he is
still around (“this is where I belong.
You can’t ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy
better. I gave half my life for you,
aren’t I entitled to a little dignity?”).
With this Homer offers a solution that will satisfy the town and allow
Sergeant Skinner to keep his dignity: tie him to a chair tied to a train
wagon. As he wheels out of Springfield
Station Agnes walks along the side and apologises stating that he is “just not
what I’m looking for in a son, I’m glad you understand” and with that he is
gone. Armin Tamzarian says this to be a
nice gesture but says the town has to face the fact that he is not Seymour
Skinner at which point Judge Snyder steps out and legally changes his name
before decreeing “that everything will be just like it was before all this
happened. And no one will ever mention
it again, under penalty of torture”. On
this announcement Agnes hands Skinner “his” pocket watch before declaring that
he has never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner and that his past
few days as Armin Tamzarian have taught him that he has been a bit too uptight
in the past as he says “well from now on you’re going to see a new Seymour
Skinner” and loosens his tie to which Agnes promptly snaps “oh no we won’t”
which sees Skinner comply with “yes mother” as he straightens his tie
back. Then titles run and we are back
to where we started.
IS IT ANY GOOD:
It’s OK but it doesn’t
make sense and thus it is a much derided episode. That said it isn’t much different to the origin of Don Draper in Mad Men which those guys have got away
with.
WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:
I guess the message of
this episode is that it is wrong to pass yourself off and pretend to be another
person. It is a picture assessment of
identity and the importance of being genuine.
However what it personally taught was more about the reaction of people
when they feel they have been duped.
The most chilling moment for me is Marge’s shun of Armin in the
Kwik-E-Mart. Marge! Marge is the most forgiving lady in
existence (well, in suggested existence).
When
women decide I guess.
EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
The kids sing a modified
version of the Flipper theme. Also
anything Martin Sheen and Vietnam can only bring about thought of Apocalypse Now.
BEST LINES:
“Miss Hoover, which
one is oral?” “Principal Skinner is an
old man that lives at the school”.
“When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar”.
BEST JOKES:
Chief Wiggum goes to
the tribute event with his own fork and plate and Homer’s roll call explanation
for driving a full car to Capital City.
PERIPHERAL MOMENT:
In 1966 Skinner
enlisted in the army and shipped out to Vietnam. His eventual rank was platoon sergeant. Spring Elementary normally only serves cake on Thursdays. Seymour Skinner is a member of the Radio
Shack Battery Club. Skinner has a
souvenir from his trip to upstate New York of ten Canadian dollars. He owns a Stor-U-Stuff storage unit. Bart’s version of the Pledge Of Allegiance
goes “Hey America, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind,
America”. 433 Street in Capital City is
Tamzarian’s old neighbourhood. Now it
is home to Topless Nudes nightclub.
Armin owns a porno mag called Swank.
REALITY CROSSOVER:
Back to Marge’s shun
of Armin. I have felt that frost, often
from things I have said/written on the internet. It’s actually a very revelatory moment. People can turn, people will turn, people do turn. Even the ones you think the nicest.
MVP:
It has to be Armin
Tamzarian. His performance is dense and
pained, displaying a new side of Skinner that is seldom seen.
GUEST APPEARANCES:
Martin Sheen is the
real Seymour Skinner. Is this perhaps
the story of what happened next for Benjamin Willard? And in that case, does that make the
existing Seymour Skinner his Kurtz?
SONGS:
Only the kids singing
“They Call Him Skinner” to the Flipper theme music.
EPISODE LINKS:
No explicit links,
this is a very stand alone episode.
PERCULARITIES:
The whole episode is
peculiar. So what happened to the real
Seymour Skinner when the train stops?
Why doesn’t he return to Springfield to sought reparation?
BART ON THE
BLACKBOARD:
There is no
blackboard.
OTHER:
Ralph has some pretty
good lines in this baby.
FINAL WORDS:
I maintain that this
plot was lifted by Mad Men
as Harry Crane (Jon
Hamm) adopts/steals the identity of Don Draper.
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