PYGMOELIAN

SEASON 11 EPISODE 16 (EPISODE 242)

THIS IS IT:

This is where Moe has an accident and gets plastic surgery at which point he wakes handsome and desired as his life changes.  It begins with an outside shot of the Simpson house and the sound of a smoke alarm ringing as panicked Homer runs through the house shouting “fire” waking his family.  With that they all grab important belongings and run out the house and into the car where Homer is waiting shouting “get in, move it, this is not a drill” but driving off declaring “good work everyone, we’re sure to be first in line for Duff Day”.  Unsurprisingly Marge is angry as she asks “you set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?”  Homer responds laughing “I know, I’m a character” before placing his cassette of beer music into the car stereo to get in the mood.  Already spooked by the apparent fire drill, in the back Bart and Lisa panic further, attempting to exit the car only to discover that the door handles have been removed.  Upon arrival at the festival they let off a sigh of relief at the cassette being turned off only to be faced by an actual oom-pah band.  Entering the festival they are met by Surly (one of the seven Duffs) declaring “Drink Duff!” following by a muffled “responsibly” to meet modern regulation.  At this point a greeter asks which of the group is the designated driver as Marge looks around at Homer attempting to screw the head off Surly and says that she guesses she is.  On that note she is directed to the Duff Designated Drivers’ Rockin’ Fun Zone which turns out to be a razor wire pen.  Walking around the festival Lisa comes across The Alco-Hall Of Fame featuring Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth and Benjamin Franklin.  Elsewhere Bart finds The Tipsy-Whirl a ride for kids that shows them what its like to get drunk by strapping them in a seat and spinning them around.  After the ride he is dizzy to the extreme as the lady supervising the ride declares “now you’re charming” to which he appropriately responds “you don’t know me”.  From here he staggers to Milhouse who has already taken the ride and they exchange drunken affection.  At this point the Beer-Tender Contest begins introduced by Duffman declaring “are you ready for some Duff love?  Today we’re going to discover which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff!” as Yello plays out in the background.  The contestants are Michael Finn from the Green Potato Pub in O’Hare International Airport, Titania from Juggernauts in Hollywood, California and Moe Szyslak from Moe's in Springfield (“the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug”).  And before Moe has even finished greeting the crowd Titania is throwing pints over her breasts to much holler and applause.  The first event is Trick Pouring (which Titania wins).  The final round is “Drunk Toss” which counts for 98% of the final score (“making the previous rounds a complete waste”).  Before beginning Duffman reminds that today’s winner is to be immortalised in the Duff Calendar.  At this point in a gesture of support Homer, Carl and Lenny reveal their chests to spell “MOO” in error (“Lenny, you were supposed to be E”, “see what happens when you skip rehearsal”).  The game involves throwing a drunk out a door and the distance is measured in a sandpit.  At this point Titania complains saying to Duffman “you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk” to which he responds “Duffman says a lot of things, oh yeah!” as walks off past Moe who is attempting (and failing) to lift Barney before deciding to run at him with a bat with a nail causing Barney to run and dive into the sandpit beating Finn’s effort just short of 12 feet when his tongue rolls out.  In victory Moe states what an honour it is to compete against “the mick and the chick with the rack” before Duffman brings out Duff’s Vice President In Charge Of Calendars And Fake I.D.s Phil Angelinis to take his official calendar portrait.  Unfortunately with Moe not being the most attractive man in the world the photo does not come out well prompting the comment from Duffman of “that’s a mug you don’t want to chug” to the more reasoned corporate response of “knock it off Larry, we can’t put this face on our calendar” while Homer, Carl and Lenny hold Moe aloft in victory.  With that the family returns to the Duff Designated Driver’s Rockin’ Fun Zone to collect Marge where she has since been joined by Seymour, Apu and Kirk.  From here they exit as on the way out they get a pink elephant balloon for Maggie from Sleazy the Duff Beer.  The second act begins at Moe’s as he paces behind the bar in front of Barney, Lenny and Carl nervously waiting for the Duff calendar to be delivered which Homer runs in with as Moe makes room on his wall for it by removing his liquor licence which Lenny points out as having expired in 1973 and only being good in Rhode Island.  And it has been signed/authorised by Moe himself.  Conceding it is old Moe states “yeah yeah I been meaning to get that updated for this date and real” before return attention to the calendar with “lets see the poster boy for the new Moellennium” as unfortunately his photo has been covered by a large “Drink Duff” logo sticker covering his face.  He then removes the sticker to reveal “Duff Enuff”, “Viva La Duff”, “Kiss Me I’m Duff”, “Ich Bin Ein Duff” and “I’mo Duff You Up!” stickers beneath.  Then finally he gets to his face which is now covered in sticker glue making his picture look even worse than it already is (which is pretty bad).  Horrified Moe asks “am I really that ugly?” and Carl attempts to help by saying “its all relative.  Is Lenny really that dumb?  Is Barney that drunk?  Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?”  With that Moe breaks down “oh my god, its worse than I thought” as Homer, Barney and Lenny also all burst out crying at the bar as Carl looks to the camera and says “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  After the break Moe continues reviewing the calendar stating “I can’t believe they put those stickers over my face” before resigning himself to “I must be the ugliest man alive” as Homer the guys continue trying to cheer him up asking if he has ever seen the people that go to White Castle (“Pig Town USA”).  Unswayed Moe continues “come on look at me, I’m a gargoyle what with the cauliflower ear and the lizard lips” to which Carl adds “little rat eyes”, Homer adds “caveman brow” and Lenny adds “don’t forget that fish snout”.  Wounded Moe puts his hands up and says “I get it, I ain’t pleasant to look at” as Lenny further chips in “or listen to” and Carl adds “or be with” as Homer leaps to his defence stating “come on Moe don’t feel bad, there’s too much emphasis on looks these days, that’s why they won’t let Bill Maher on TV before midnight”.  Trying to be helpful Lenny “if you’re tired of being an eyesore why not get some plastic surgery”.  Taking the idea on board, Moe offers “maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser”.  Dubious Carl comments “I dunno, plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you might still feel bad on the inside” but undaunted by the idea of feeling bad on the inside Moe shakes Carl’s hand for his idea stating “Carl Carlson, you just saved my life” as for some reason randomly Homer is behind the bar taking money from the till.  We return to the Simpsons house where Maggie is still playing with her pink elephant balloon.  With this Bart and Lisa step in commenting on how nice it must be to be amused by something so simple before grabbing it from Maggie and fighting for it at which point it gets loose and floats away towards the front door which Bart closes just in time only for it to get sucked into the fireplace and up the chimney and off into the distance prompting tears from Maggie as Bart and Lisa get their bikes and give pursuit.  Returning to Moe we enter the office of the Cosmetic Surgery Group (“We’ll Cut You Good”) where he is in his underwear and being inspected by a tanned surgeon in disco like ensemble complete with big collars, purple shirt and medallion.  During his examination he makes discouraging sounds including that of a bomb dropping causing Moe to comment “its hopeless ain’t it”.  The foreign doctor responds “no no no, I love a challenge.  First I must install buttocks” as Moe refuses stating “no luxury items, just the face”.  With that the surgeon begins survey his face before he snaps “can the medical mumbo jumbo, can you fix me or not?” to which the surgeon responds “we’ll see.  Most faces need a little remodelling but this is a total teardown”.  Returning to their pursuit of the balloon we spot Bart swinging a butterfly net at said balloon while sitting on Lisa’s shoulders as she rides her bike.  Back to the operating theatre Moe is being knocked out with gas ahead of his procedure.  The nurse on hand comments “oh boy, what a mug” to which the surgeon responds “you should see his genitals.  Would you like to see them?” as Moe states that he is still awake and can hear them.  It turns out that instead of anaesthetic, they have been pumping new car smell into his mouth.  With this the turn changes the setting and Moe passes out singing “silver bells”.  Meanwhile Bart and Lisa’s pursuit of the elephant balloon takes them to an office building where outside they leave Lisa’s bike only for Snake and his son to promptly hop aboard and ride off (“oh, that’s my little dude!”).  Inside the building a board meeting is taking place with the chair saying “we need a symbol, something that says we’re gay and Republican” just as the balloon floats in through the window offering the perfect image except to the comment “a little on the nose don’t you think?”  With this Lisa and Bart run in the room to collect their balloon as the chair hands it to them along with a bumper sticker that reads “A Gay President In 2084”.  Lisa questions the date as the response is “we’re realistic”.  Back at Springfield General Hospital the surgery is complete as the surgeon removes the bandages from Moe’s head as Homer tells him to hurry up as he needs to pee.  Shockingly a beautiful woman’s face is revealed.  And on that surprise Homer says “OK, now do Moe”.  As he unwraps Moe’s face the surgeon “well now we see if you go on my wall of fame or my blooper reel”.  When his face is revealed both Homer and the surgeon step back and gasp as naturally Moe snaps “what?  I’m a monster, right?  I knew it.  I guess I’ll just crawl back to live in the sewer periodically emerging to sue you”.  However when presented with a mirror it turns out that Moe is now handsome.  In disbelief Moe points and says “is that me?” as a tear trickles from his left eye which actually turns out to be leakage the surgeon immediately quarter sizes causing pain.  Next we see Moe leaving the hospital as four nurses gather round him saying “don’t be a stranger handsome”.  Outside Moe comments to Homer saying “did you hear that?” adding “its like I gone to heaven” before asking “I died on the operating table, didn’t I?”  Laughing Homer responds “yeah, but just for a minute.  It’s a funny story, I’ll tell ya sometime” and shocked and excited Moe realises “so this is all real?”  On that realisation Homer put his arm around Moe and they begin walking as he says “you dear, dear man.  You’re one of us beautiful people now and your new life begins today”.  Now coming to terms with the situation Moe states “a new life, a second chance…for revenge”.  And the first act of revenge is to drive to Duffman’s house and place a Duff sticker on his face (“Duffman can’t breathe, oh no”).  Next Moe and Homer go running up to the house of a lady who turned down his invitation to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance at High School as Moe rings the door to show her the face she “could have been kissing now” as Homer hiding in a bush reiterates the sentiment.  At this point the lady apologies saying “oh I was just a stupid kid back then and I feel terrible about hurting you.  Will you accept my apology?” which confuses Moe (“an apology?  Well Jeez, I wasn’t expecting that”).  Fortunately in a moment of clarity (dumb clarity) Homer exacts revenge emerging from the bush and throwing a rock through her window and shouting “run!” prompting Moe to declare “man that felt great”.  With this we cut to the Channel 6 Studios as Homer and Moe drive up stating “last stop Channel 6”.  Homer asks “you gonna get even with the lottery guy that never picks our numbers?” as Moe responds “nah nah nah, this is personal” as the episode does a flashback to his acting days and auditioning for the role of Dr Tad Winslow on the hit soap It Never Ends.  His audition immediately fails as the casting producers/execs discuss how they wanted “gritty and ugly” but they wanted “Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island ugly not Cornelius on Planet Of The Apes ugly, TV ugly not ugly ugly” all of which is being heard by Moe listening through a stage wall using his stethoscope.  Returning to the now Moe states sadly “I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly but never ugly ugly” before Homer puts his hand on his shoulder declaring “well its time to get some closure.  Extreme closure”.  With this we cut to the studio door of It Never Ends where inside the current Dr Tad Winslow is arguing with an exec stating how he has been the character for 25 years and how it is time he got a payrise to which the lady’s response is “oh shut up you windy old hack”.  At this point Moe pulls him aside asking the lady if she remembers him from 25 years ago “when you said I was too ugly to play Dr Tad Winslow”.  Oblivious she responds “I did?  Well that’s why pencils have erasers” as she puts her arm around Moe and announces “you’re our new Dr Tad Winslow”.  Naturally objecting to the decision the existing Dr Tad Winslow runs in declaring “there can’t be two Dr Tad Winslows, that’s going to…..oh” and with that realisation and resignation he removes his eye patch (revealing a tan line) and hands it to Moe.  With this he says “I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment” while in the background Homer laughs in giddy evil fashion as he douses the set in petrol.  Upon seeing this Moe runs over “Homer change of plans” prompting him to dump the gas can on the floor and walk off stating “whatever”.  The third act begins with the opening credits of It Never Ends and the Simpsons watching the show in their front room.  Lisa states “I don’t know if I’ll be able to accept Moe as Dr Tad Winslow” with Marge adding “well I’m going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk” as the episode cuts to just that with Moe in a round bed with a character called Cleo (“you brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work.  I’m a doctor and you’re a 5000 year old mummy I brought back to life”, “but I love you Tad and together we can burn all the cities of the earth”.  “Its against hospital regulations damnit and Clive Dancer’s just waiting for me to slip up”).  From here we cut to Moe’s where Homer, Lenny and Carl are walking up to the door (“so Lenny how are things working out with you and that girl next door?”, “ah, its over.  She got a window shade”).  When they open the door they are shocked/surprised to see Moe surrounding by ten ladies including Edna Krabappel, Luann Van Houten, Selma Bouvier, Miss Hoover and Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon (“if you must grope me ladies, please a little softer.  OK, now harder”).  Annoyed by the presence of women in their bar and lack of attention the three of them moan as Moe tells Homer that he is “a little busy” to pour him a beer and that he can do it himself as he states “this isn’t nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem” as the tap comes off in his hand and fires a beer spray into his face, into his mouth which he swallows and soon gets intoxicated with.  Returning to the studio Moe is in his dressing room practising his lines with Homer (“I’ve dedicated my life to diseases of the head hole but the one hole I’ve never been able to fix is the one in my soul”).  Impressed Homer states “that was amazing Moe, I’m actually a little turned on” as Moe declares “hey, I’ve got a gift.  As a child I was bitten by the acting bug.  Then burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.  Now those eggs are hatching and the feeling is indescribable” to which Homer answers “I know the feeling, our dog had that”.  With this there is a knock on the door as a courier arrives with a delivery for the producers, a package with “top secret storylines” printed on the outside.  Sneakily Moe signs for it and promptly rips it open (“might as well have a little peak”).  Inside is a blue bound book stating “It Never Ends Future Plot Lines” which shows Dr Tad Winslow getting back with the evil character Contessa (“the one with the amulet?”) before getting in a skydiving accident and being rushed to the graveyard (“they’re killing off Dr Tad Winslow!”).  Grabbing the book Homer gives a second opinion reading the brief script excerpt and stating “yup, that does sound kind of bad”.  Turning to the mirror Moe declares “if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”.  Cutting back to the show we find Dr Tad Winslow in a Jacuzzi with Contessa as he expresses his new trust for her and she attempts to persuade him into taking a skydiving lesson then just as he offers “how could I say no?” a door bell sounding suspiciously like Homer rings as Moe gets out the Jacuzzi and answers the door where Homer is dressed as a makeshift angel.  In a ghostly voice he announces “Dr Winslow I am angel from the future” as in the gallery the producer checks the script while the director snaps “what the fudge?” which is bleeped out.  He asks the producer “shall I cut him off?” as she says “no, lets see where this is going”.  With that the revised version of the episode plays out with Homer as the “Angel Of The Future” predicting Dr Tad Winslow’s death in a skydiving accident along with other predictions (future plots).  Back home Bart gripes “what’s dad doing on the show?” with Marge responding “who cares, he’s dishing the dirt” as she writes “sexy results” on her pad.  As Homer continues to reveal plotlines in the gallery the producer is pulling her hair out stating “he just gave away a year’s worth of storylines.  Cut him off….now”.  Having now wrecked the show Moe and Homer laugh and high five as the producer stomps out and grabs Moe asking “what the hell are you doing?”  Jubilantly Moe replies “stickin’ it to ya for killing of my character” pointing at the future plot lines book further cheering and high-fiving Homer.  At this point the producer states “you idiot, Dr Winslow was only going to die in a dream” adding “pink pages always mean a dream”.  Aghast Moe says “I thought dreams was on golden rod” which it turns out is for coma fantasies.  Now with that point out Moe asks “so what time tomorrow?” to which the producer naturally laughs calling for security to escort the pair of them out….now.  Angered Moe shrugs off his security guard declaring “I don’t need your stinkin’ show anyway, with a mug like this I can get on any soap in Springfield before stepping through a door attached to a stage wall which topples on and flattens his head (his face) amazingly avoiding the rest of his body (“my face, I’m not supposed to put any weight on it”).  With this two stagehands lift the wall as Moe emerges to the gasps of the studio crew and the reality that his face has returned to how it used to look.  We return to Moe’s where inside Homer is apologising for Moe’s face as with an air of acceptance he states “nah, its just as well.  That handsome face was nice but it was too much maintenance.  I had to wash it, rub it with neatsfoot oil.  You did me a favour Homer.  And to think I just about to sell the bar to Hooters” prompting a “doh!”  With that Moe states “well I guess that wraps it up.  There’s one thing I just don’t get though: when my face was crushed, why’d it go back to my old face.  I mean, shouldn’t it have turned to some kind of third face that was different?  Don’t make no…..”

IS IT ANY GOOD:

It’s OK, its subtle but not amazing or laugh out loud funny.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

So many lessons to be learned.  The main issue is the one of appearance and how much it affects and influences your life both positively and negatively.  For a long time Moe has suffered due to his looks and seldom experienced love which has seen him remain nasty and negative all throughout the series.  The game is rigged.  He was not supposed to win the bartender contest, Titania was supposed to after sleeping with Duffman.  The revelation that the terms such “beauty is only skin deep” and “its what’s inside that counts” are nonsense is not a new one, Moe remains as damaged as ever.  Rather teaching, it just confirms what a superficial world we live in.  Moe is the most tragic character in The Simpsons.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The couch gag contains a shot of the screen housing a Matt Groening signature in the bottom left hand side which Marge promptly wipes off as quickly an animated Groening runs and reinstates the signature.  There is reference to Gilligan’s Island and Planet Of The Apes.  Also the unveiling of Moe after plastic surgery is a classic riff on the Batman movie Joker scene.

BEST LINES:

The Moe mission statement of “well, if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”. Carl saying “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  Homer stating “I know, I’m a character”.

BEST JOKES:

Snake swiftly placing his son on Lisa’s bike and casually rolling it away with the boy shouting “daddy!  I’m stealing!  I’m stealing!”  The manner in which Homer nonchalantly loses interest in torching the studio set.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

As the items she grabs before leaving the house Lisa grabs her saxophone, Snowball II and her school trophy for attendance, Bart grabs Santa’s Little Helper and Marge grabs Maggie and the hoover.  Duff Days beer festival comes with the tag “A Lost Weekend For The Whole Family!”  Duff is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling clear mountain goat (according to Titania).  Channel 6 has a hit soap called It Never Ends which has the tagline “like the cleaning of a house….”  The show stars Gabriella Defarge as Gabriella St Farge, Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide and Moe Szyslak as Dr Tad Winslow.  Other characters include Cleo a 5000 year old mummy brought back to life, Clive Dancer, the evil Contessa and Professor Galloway who has a half sister.  Future plots for the show include Gabriella’s baby shower being invaded by terrorists with sexy results, Sister Bernadette leaving the convent and starting a softball team with sexy results and Professor Galloway’s half sister is plotting to take over international perfume and wine.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

There is actually a lot of tangible touches subtly placed within this episode for me.  Its very sad but over the years I have found myself associating with Moe’s plight on a very real level.  Not being the best looking person in the world, I have suffered similar prejudice due to my appearance as displayed here, not least from females.  His forced smile only making him look more deranged is an aspect to my being I have spent many years trying to stunt.

MVP:

Moe deservedly gets it for offering/delivering many philosophical thoughts and life lessons.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

None.

SONGS:

Duffman continuing/persisting in using “Oh Yeah” by Yello as his theme music.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links.

PERCULARITIES:

Moe points out the biggest peculiarity at the end: why upon being crushed did his face return to its former state?  Also such a crush would probably tend to kill a man.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

Dodgeball stops at the gym door.

OTHER:

It has been said that the character of Moe is based on Rich Hall so possibly there maybe some truth in this scenario, at some point 25 years ago Hall may have gone up for an acting job and been turned down based on his looks.

FINAL WORDS:

Overanalysing this episode has depressed me.

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF HOMER

SEASON 5 EPISODE 9 (EPISODE 90)

THIS IS IT:

Here you have Homer facing temptation and questioning his love for Marge which ultimately has never been in question at all.  It begins with Bart painting new parking space lines (“a mere one foot narrower”) in the school car park.  When the inevitable occurs it is Seymour and Edna that get into an argument is to who is poorly parked and too close to the other.  Bart gets his moment.  With this we cut to Miss Krabappel’s classroom where she is running the riot saying how American is a democracy where people are innocent until proven guilt except her classroom is not a democracy.  With a laugh she incriminates Bart saying that for the rest of the year he will be the first student called upon for every question.  And the first question is how to pronounce “photosynthesis” at which point it is revealed that Bart has bad eyesight as he is unable to read the blurred word.  With this revelation Krabappel debates whether poor vision is to blame for his bad academic record as Bart states “you mean it’s not me noggin, its me peepers?” in a Cockney accent.  Meanwhile at the nuclear power plant Homer, Lenny, Carl and another colleague (who it turns out is the Dangerous Emissions Supervisor) play a joke on a work colleague while he moves nuclear rods.  As the prank goes wrong and the area becomes contaminated with radiation they run away from the scene heading to hide at Lenny’s house as they attempt to escape through an emergency exit which actually turns out to be just painted onto the plant wall.  And with that they appear to perish.  The episode then cuts to their unnamed colleague stood in front of Mr Burns saying they had a “miraculous escape” without explaining it before telling him that need a real emergency exit.  Characteristically Burns responds with sarcasm before dispensing of the man by pressing a red button and having him sucked up a tube.  After the deed Burns asks Smithers where the tube goes as he states he doesn’t know “it was here when we moved in” as the scene cuts to India where the employee lands on a table and it encouraged/forced to dance for the six Indian gentleman sat before him.  Now an employee down Smithers states that they will now need a new Dangerous Emissions Supervisor as Burns instructs him to find someone cheap as he states that it has been a very lean year for the company before he and Smithers partake in a money fight.  The first person to be tested for the role is Zutroy a non-English speaking employee who works each day on the promise of earning a shiny penny.  Unfortunately at this point the Department Of Labour storm the company through the ceiling on ropes as Agent Wilson states that Zutroy is an illegal alien.  It is then stated that the plant violates every labour law in the book.  The Department Of Labour even found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in the reactor core.  In defence Burns does say that their plane crashed on his property.  Determined to bring about change the Department Of Labour tell Burns to begin by reversing his sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman.  With resignation Burns says that he will bring in a woman but still stand by his hiring policies at which point a duck in a hard hat called Stewart pulling a cart is ordered to get back to work.  Returning to Bart’s situation we cut to the HMO (Hibbert Moneymaking Organization).  As he asks Marge whether she has health insurance it transpires that he also has a suction tube similar to Burns as he preps for the possibility of her saying no.  After a visit with the optometrist it turns out that Bart has temporary condition called “lazy eye” as he is given a pair of dorky thick rimmed glasses to wear for two weeks.  At this point the optometrist notices also that his scalp is dry and states that he should see the dermatologist who gives him goo to put into his hair every thirty minutes as we then cross to the foot doctor who gives him heavy shoes followed by the dentist who states that his throat looks red and sprays him in the mouth which causes his voice turn a combination of high and old.  And with that Bart suddenly resembles a cross between Jerry Lewis and an old Jewish man.  Back to the plant where Lenny and Carl worry about the appointment of a woman (“we won’t be able to spit on the floor”, “yeah and we won’t be able to take off our pants when it gets real hot”) as Homer adds concern that “we won’t be able to pee in the drinking fountain” as his admission takes things a little too far.  At this point Smithers turns up to introduce their new co-worker Mindy Simmons (“she has a degree in engineering or something”).  Lenny and Carl are nonchalant in their reception but Homer finds himself transfixed by the redhead as he immediately fantasises about her which involves Lenny and Carl who asks “ain’t you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?”  And with this Homer announces “gotta go” as he tears out of the room in a panic before asking himself “what the hell was that?  I probably shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.”  Returning to school we catch sight of Bart stepping into class wearing glasses and heavy shoes with his hair pasted down as Sherri and Terri are the first people to mock him (“nice glasses four eyes”) before Nelson chips in “yeah nice shoes, er, two feet.”  Even Martin gets stuck in as he comments “your appearance is comical to me” as Bart looks at Milhouse catching his reflection in his glasses gasping “I’m a nerd” to which Milhouse responds “so am I” as he catches his own reflection in Bart’s glasses.  Back to Homer and after a day of work he returns to his car declaring “another day, another box of stolen pens” as he throws today’s gain onto a large pile on the back seat.  At this point Mindy shouts “have a good night Homer” as she speeds off on a motorbike and Homer gets in his car registering “no goosebumps.  No hallucinations.  That last time was just a fluke” and with that he drives home accidentally going in reverse as numerous cars veer off the road to avoid him until he finally winds up crashing into the Trout Hatchery where upon driving into a pool of trout that pop up and sing “Homer loves Mindy” before the cherub versions of Lenny and Carl return to tell him that he is hallucinating again (“not a good sign”).  And with that the first act clearly ends.  We next cut to Homer in the plant kitchen with Lenny and Carl as he cagily asks them what they think of Mindy.  Not responding to their actual answer Homer responds “yeah, that Mindy seems real nice”.  Concerned Lenny asks “what’s wrong with you, you’re talking through a coffee break” and Carl adds “yeah, you usually just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom with you” as again not registering what they say Homer just states “Mindy has a motorcycle”.  Back to school and in an effort to prove to his schoolmates that he is still cool Bart pulls his skateboard from his locker and announces “look everybody, I’m the same person I always once” before his clunky new shoes prevent him for pulling off a stunt causing him to crash into lockers where a pile of books fall on him including a copy of Advanced Calculus which lands over his face.  At this point Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph appear with Jimbo accusing “hey, he’s learning on his own” before Kearney adds “get him”.  And with that a beating ensues.  With this we cut back to Homer who is now in Moe’s Tavern with Barney where he is asking Moe for his advice using the pretend name of Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo at which point he announces that is the worst name he has ever heard as in the background a patron exits crying as it turns out that Barney knows him as he calls for him to come back.  At this point Barney offers Homer the advice “your infatuation is based on a physical attraction.  Talk to the woman and you’ll realise you have nothing in common” as astounded Homer states how the advice is so insightful asking how he came up with it and he responds “it was on one of these bar napkins”.  Returning the nuclear plant pensively Homer engages Mindy in conversation in the staff kitchen while she is eating doughnuts (“lets have a conversation, I think we’ll find we have very little in common”) as initially she responds to his approach with “can’t talk, eating”.  At this point he notices she is eating his favourite variety of doughnut raspberry swirl with a double glaze as she proceeds to drawl Homer style at the concept of double glaze and with this Homer accept that they have one thing in common.  Then playing with reverse psychology Homer states “you know what I hate, drinking beer and watching TV” as Mindy responds how she loves those pursuits (“not me, that’s my idea of heaven”) as plainly the pair of them are soul mates waiting to happen.  As Homer concedes he likes those too Mindy leaves stating “I can see I’m going to love working with you” before adding that she is going to see if she can sneak in a quick nap before lunch.  Now in a confused place Homer declares “foul temptress, I bet she thinks Ziggy’s got too preachy too”.  Moving forward we catch Homer at the end of work sighing with relief how he made it the whole day without seeing Mindy as he presses the button of the elevator only for her to be aboard.  Awkwardness ensues as after Homer screams Mindy clumsily says “I guess we’ll be going down together, I mean getting off together” as equally embarrassed Homer adds “that’s OK, I’ll just push the button for the stimulator, I mean elevator”.  With tension in the air we cut to the inside of Homer’s mind where he is saying “think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts” as he cuts to the vision of Selma and Patty shaving their legs followed by Barney wearing a bikini where as he burps he pops and turns into Mindy wearing the same costume and blowing Homer a kiss.  Now resigned to sexy thoughts Homer snaps back to reality where he catches Mindy also saying “think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts” to herself.  Panicked Homer then presses the emergency stop button announcing “well, this is my floor” as he exits the elevator falling down one of the reactor towers yelling “see you tomorrow” on the way down.  From here he returns home where Marge greets him at the door all stuffed up and full of flu as Bart then plods over in his heavy shows and glasses as Homer pats him on the head only to earn himself a hand full of goo.  Then Lisa arrives with dinner announcing “I made fish sticks.  They’re burnt on the outside but they’re frozen on the inside so it balances out”.  Then Grandpa runs past chasing Santa’s Little Helper complaining “that racoon stole my lambchop”.  What kind of madhouse has Homer returned to?  In an effort to remain faithful and a good husband Homer says to Marge “let have a little quality time together, just you and me” as Marge shows him a t-shirt from a new place at the mall that puts photos on them.  She got a discount because her image was smeared in a manner that frightens Homer at which point he reverts back to the TV where on Eye On Springfield tonight Kent Brockman is looking at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush and Clinton.  Spooked by this selection Homer proceeds to channel hopping for something different as all shows appear to concentrate on procreation and affairs as finally a sexy ad stating Just Do It freaks him out to the point of screaming and leaving the room much to the confusion of Marge.  The Just Do It message turns out to relate to examining your scalp for ringworm as it is from the National Ringworm Association (The Other N.R.A.).  Now feeling the pressure Homer goes to a phone box to call a Marital Stress Hotline.  Unhelpfully on the other end is Ned Flanders who immediately recognises Homer and in reckless but well intentioned measure suggests a conference call with Marge as Homer yet again screams and hangs up.  In his panic to leave the phone box he bangs into the side toppling the box and knocking himself out.  At this point another hallucination appears as his guardian angel taking the appearance of Sir Isaac Newton (“somebody you’d recognise”) offers to give him advice.  Homer responds blankly asking “Sir Isaac who?”  At this point his guardian angel resigns himself to a much more lowbrow, pop culture icon as Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.  More concerned with the past than his current predicament Homer asks Klink “did you ever get my letters?”  He then further annoys Klink asking “did you know Hogan had tunnels hidden all over your camp?”  Returning to the real agenda Klink proceeds to show Homer in an out of body experience how horrible life would be if he married Mindy instead of Marge.  It actually turns out that they would live in a big mansion, play tennis and have a butler called Jeeves as quick survey of who is happy confirms that they are all happy.  Failing to make his point Klink promptly drags Homer to where Marge now lives: The White House in Washington DC where she is the president with an approval rate that is soaring.  And having felt failure Klink declares “this dream is over” as Homer falls back into his body in the phone booth where Lionel Hutz promptly turns up and tells him to get out of his office.  Back at school Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph have now been joined by Nelson and a couple of other kids (including a bumpkin adding “you’re goofy looking”) in bullying/tormenting Bart.  Then finally Bart breaks free and runs for safety at which point a mysterious arm reaches out of locker and pulls him in.  It turns out to be Martin as he lights a candle and leads Bart through a secret passage to a room where geeks and nerds habitat safely as he asks “what is this place?” as an Asian kid responds “the refuge of the damned” as Martin adds “a place where we can work on our extra credit assignments without fear of reprisal”.  Now accepted into the club another nerd greets Bart as he calls for Oliver to bring him a hard boiled egg and some prune juice.  With this Martin declares “finally Bart is one of us” as they all yell “excelsior!”  Now seemingly with his mind made up Homer scrubs himself up spraying on deodorant while singing “Oh Mandy” with the words “Oh Mindy” instead before completely butchering the words.  Then as Homer closes the bathroom cabinet he spots Lisa stood behind who asks “dad, why are you singing?”  With this he brain kicks into action with “tell a lie, tell a lie” as his mouth says “because I have a small role in a Broadway musical, its not much but it’s a start” and his brain responds with “bravo” and applause.  Naturally not believing the lie Lisa asks clearly “are you hiding something from me?” as Homer responds “like what?” as Lisa ever the observant states “judging from your song you’re infatuated with a woman named Mindy.  Or a man named Andy”.  Once again panicked Homer hops pointing “Lisa look behind you?” as she states “I’m not going to fall for that” but as he persists with a rapid response (“no Lisa I swear…..”) she gives a quick glimpse offering him opportunity to run off saying “sucker” as he exits.  Back at the plant Homer walks with a prepared speech of “Mindy because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now” written on his hand.  Meanwhile Lenny passes in the opposite direction having his own speech on his hand “Max, what I did I did because of alcohol and anger” as passing him another employee with a giant hand has his own message of “I’m tired of these jokes about my giant hand.  The first such incident occurred in 1956 when…..”  At this point Mindy arrives and says hi to Homer as he accidentally smudges the messages and promptly forgets what he has to say to her stating “I’m sweating like Roger Ebert”.  Now while Homer is trying to give Mindy his message Mr Burns and Smithers are watching the pair of them on CCTV as Burns comments “look at those two inseparable chums Smithers, that’s exactly the teamwork we would like to showcase at this year’s energy convention”.  With this Smithers asks him if he is sure at which point Burns states “no one else seems to share the same spirit camaraderie” as the camera pans across various other CCTV feeds featuring employees fighting each other with chairs, holding each other by the throat and even Stewart the duck is pecking at a fellow employee’s eye as he lay passed out on the floor.  From here we cut to Burns telling Simpsons and Simmons that they have been chose to represent the plant at the National Energy Convention and how they will be spending two nights together in “glamorous” Capital City (“the Windy Apple”).  Mindy is excited by the news but Homer further stresses saying that “this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced” before calling out for Colonel Klink (“Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?”).  At this point his guardian angel in the form of Colonel Klink reappears asking “what is it?  Do you have a question?” as Homer laughs “did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot?”  This does not exactly help things.  The second act ends.  We cut back to the Capital City Plaza Hotel where the sign outside boasts of being “Legionnaires’ disease free since 1990”.  Inside the bellboy shows Homer to room 61 which has a king size bed which he insinuates is for sex using various animal noises and expressions to represent the act.  In response Homer snaps “stop that, I love my wife and family.  All I’m going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort”.  With this he steps into the bathroom and gasps for joy at the complimentary mouthwash, complimentary shampoo and the free shower curtain as from the next room Mindy reacts in exactly the same way.  Hearing each other they discover their rooms are open to each other as she states “if it weren’t for this wall we’d be sleeping in the same bed” before whispering “Homer, I’ve got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble” to which he responds “Mindy, we got to fight our temptation” as she insists “no Homer, lets do it, lets call room service!”  At this point back at the power plant a red warning light marked Room Service Alert flashes as Smithers reports the act to Burns who promptly orders four flying monkeys to fly and find the culprits (“fly my pretties, fly!”).  Unfortunately, despite their wings, monkeys can’t really fly as they tumble to the ground into traffic as Burns resigns “continue the research.”  Back at the hotel Homer and Mindy sit on the king size bed surrounded by empty plates as Homer scoffs pizza and Mindy eats a hotdog declaring “I can’t believe we ordered so much” as Homer declares “something’s missing” before noticing that one of the turkeys fell behind the bed.  With this they both notice the foot long chilli dog sat in the middle of the bed as they both drawl and go for it eating from each end and inevitably winding up kissing Lady And The Tramp style at which point Homers bloated gut expands causing his shirt to burst open and expose the t-shirt of Marge’s distorted face on it (nice call-back).  In his head he can hear her sigh of disapproval as he runs out the room screaming “it’s a sign”.  However it just turns out to be the bell boy polishing the corridor floor.  Meanwhile returning to Bart as he sits alone and dejected in his room wearing his glasses and heavy shoes he is joined by Marge who steps into the room announcing “good news honey, two weeks are up you don’t have to wear your glasses anymore and your scalp and posture seem fine” at which point Bart yells “yes!” as he kicks off his shoes straight out of his window and through his neighbours window where Ned Flanders is sat reading a newspaper while Rod and Todd lay on the floor playing a board game.  Soughting explanation Ned asks “kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes?” at which point Rod puts up his hand and says “I did”.  Returning to school we join Nelson, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph in conference discussing how they have been working Bart over (“we’ve been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart.  Today, lets pound his kidneys”).  Then as Bart returns humming victoriously, Nelson is shocked by his change in appearance.  Now feeling confident again Bart approaches the group saying “gentleman the nerd you knew is dead.  Beat me and you will be beating one of your own” to which Nelson responds “whatever” as they proceed to wail on him once again.  Back to Capital City and outside the National Energy Convention at the Capital City Convention Center there is irony in the fact that the welcome sign is failing to power as it flickers above the street.  Inside there are many displays for sources such as Cold Fusion, Oil Power, What About Wind?, Coal And Water and Solar Energy (“Cheap, Clean Hope For Tomorrow”).  The Solar Energy stall is manned by Hans Moleman who we see speaking to a sharp tongued shaded businessman with a gangster demeanour who asks whether solar energy works as Moleman responds “certainly does” at which point he snaps “well lots of luck” as he knocks him out with a karate chop and clicks his fingers for various goons to “clean up” the display and turn it into a Fossil Fuel stall (“Use Us And Nobody Gets Hurt”).  With this we catch up with Homer and Mindy manning the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (“As Seen On 60 Minutes”) stall as they have to deal with a heckler shouting “thanks for poisoning the planet bastard” to which Mindy responds “get bent” as another passing heckler shouts “no more Chernobyls” as Homer shouts back “go to hell” before throwing a brick at him which we hear is a direct hit.  At this point Homer confides in Mindy about being worried about attending the convention with her but “as long as we’re not alone together….” at which point the convention public address butts in and announces “and now the moment you’ve been waiting for: this year’s king and queen of energy are Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons” for which they win a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao’s, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City.  Sat concerned in his crown Homer enquires “is there any way to get out of this?”  “No!”  From here we cut to the evening and Madame Chao’s where Homer and Mindy have a nice meal which she describes as “what a perfect evening” adding “it sure was nice of them to make us cheeseburgers”.  Hesitant to agree Homer reaches for his fortune cookie which reads: “you will find happiness with a new love” prompting the response “even the Chinese are against me” as he concedes “what’s the point, I can’t fight fate”.  Meanwhile in the kitchen a waiter notices that they have just run out of “you will find happiness with a new love” fortune cookies and will now have to start using the barrel of “stick with your wife” cookies.  Upon returning to their hotel Homer opens the room to his room in resignation of Mindy wanting to join him.  At this point they sit together on his bed as Mindy says “this was a really nice night” while Homer mopes then cries.  Naturally Mindy enquires what’s wrong as he responds “oh yeah, like you don’t know.  We’re going to have sex”.  Seemingly disappointed and confused Mindy responds “well, we don’t have to” as Homer insists “yes we do, the cookie told me so” as in an understanding tone she states “desserts aren’t always right”.  Now with the mood killed Mindy says “Homer you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to” as he continues to hesitate stating “maybe I want to but then I think about Marge and the kids.  Well not the boy, he drives me nuts, sometimes I’d just like to…” as he makes a strangling gesture.  And then with one final throw of the dice Mindy says “you know how I feel, so its up to you, look in your heart I think you’ll see what you want” and they kiss.  With this the background music steps up a groove as we return to the exterior then interior of the Capital City Plaza Hotel where it is now Homer and Marge sharing the room and a moment as she states that “this was a wonderful idea Homie” as they discover another turkey behind the bed.  From here the lights go off as Homer once more changes the words to “Oh Mandy” this time to “Oh Margy” and “you came and you found me a turkey, on my vacation away from worky”.  At this point so as not to get too sentimental the bellboy returns whistling and making sex noises, much to Homer’s chagrin who we hear punches him.  The end.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

Yeah, it’s a pretty sweet and solid episode.  Homer is funny and full of heart as is Michelle Pfeiffer as Mindy.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

It confirms that old adage “never shit where you eat”.  The whole Bart appearance caper confirms that indeed it is not what’s inside that counts.  And that fortune cookies are mass produced and not the source of solid knowledge or fortune.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The couch gag is them sat on the set of David Letterman.  Homer’s guardian angel initially takes the form of Sir Isaac Newton before changing into the form of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes as somebody Homer actually recognises.  Then there is the whole Barry Manilow songfest.  And the opening credits blackboard is a reference to The Shining.

BEST LINES:

“You mean it ain’t me noggin, its me peepers?”

BEST JOKES:

It is the reaction of Homer’s brain of saying “bravo” and clapping when he lies to Lisa about having a small part in a Broadway play when he has to explain why he is singing “Oh Mindy” in the bathroom.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

Dr Hibbert’s HMO is short for Hibbert Moneymaking Organization.  The National Ringworm Association is “the other N.R.A.”  The telephone number for the Marital Stress Hotline is KL5-1680.  Capital City is known as “the Windy Apple”.  The sexiest restaurant in Capital City is Madame Chao’s.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Yes, this is very painful.  Years after Homer met a Mindy, I met a Mindy.  However the Mindy I knew was nowhere near as enthusiastic as the Mindy Homer knew.  What the real kicker was however was how on the day of her wedding to the guy she met after me Sky actually broadcast this episode of The Simpsons.  So not only was I being haunted by one Mindy, suddenly The Simpsons was reiterating its existence.  Such scars.

MVP:

Homer is a sweetheart.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Michelle Pfeiffer as the aforementioned Mindy.  Werner Klemperer appears resuming his role of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes very much a reference for our parents’ generation.  This turned out to be his final television work.

SONGS:

Homer butchers and bastardises “Mandy” by Barry Manilow changing the title to “Oh Mindy” before changing lines to incomprehensible nonsense.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links.  Obviously its neither the first or last visit to Capital City.

PERCULARITIES:

After this episode Mindy Simmons is never seen or heard of ever again.  Did Burns sack her for ordering room service?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

OTHER:

No Ralph in this episode.

FINAL WORDS:

Just more weight to the theory that Marge is the ideal woman.

THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

SEASON 22 EPISODE 8 (EPISODE 472)

THIS IS IT:

The Fight Before Christmas was the 2010 festive episode taking something of an angular Treehouse Of Horror format (four short stories) take on the holiday season.  It begins with Marge on the roof of 742 Evergreen Terrace putting up the decorations and switching on the lights while being attacked by bats (“wrong holiday”).  When her sleigh model falls off the roof she shouts out to Homer that she could do with some help to which he responds that he is busy watching a re-run of an important American football game at which point Maggie pops up in front of him wanting to watching her A Fluppet Christmas Special DVD.  With this we cut to Lisa wrapping the Christmas tree with yellow “police line do not cross” tape telling Marge that she is “marking a crime scene” before bringing out a “Fir Is Murder” sign.  At this point Marge points out that Lisa will be picking holes in her gingerbread house next (“you mean your gingerbread McMansion”) which Homer promptly defends before beginning to eat some gingerbread men which Bart grabs from him to put out for Santa Claus.  Marge comments how it is good that at least one person is in the Christmas style however it turns out that Bart is just putting the biscuits out as bait so that he can capture Father Christmas (which he will do so with his BB gun).  The reason for this is that for the past three years he has asked for a dirt bike but instead only got toys that he immediately broke.  Disheartened Marge walks off commenting “even Matt Davis himself couldn’t save this Christmas” prompting a rare Marge “doh!”  At the stroke of midnight while Bart sleeps he is wakened by the sound of a steam train outside.  With this he runs outside and it is Otto manning the Polar Express.  This version of the Polar Express is fuelled by hemp making things somewhat psychedelic while soundtracked by The Doors.  When the train gets to the North Pole Bart gets off and approaches an elf that resembles Moe (which he mistakes for a goblin) and asks him how to get to Santa.  Moe responds that “only the top elves get to see Santa, you start in the wrapping room”.  After taking the freight elevator down to the Wrapping Room only Milhouse and Nelson are at work causing Bart to question “isn’t this the busy season?  Where is everybody?”  Apparently they have all been laid off.  Bart then points out that you don’t need to wrap everything you just need to put bows on things and they are ready.  This causes Moe to comment “you are clearly too smart to be down here with these dinglebells” and he immediately promotes Bart to Toy Inspector.  Suddenly Milhouse and Nelson get laid off to which Nelson responds “I can’t lose my health insurance my lungs are full of candy cane dust”.  Moe then says they can go work for the Easter Bunny before remembering that “he ain’t real”.  Down in the Inspection Room Bart begins work rebranding defective toys (eg a bear missing an eye becomes a pirate bear) as Moe notes “kid, you’ve got a lot of shoddy money saving ideas.  Like a major airline but you were here on time”.  We then cut to the Clausco Building where Bart emerges from an upper floor elevator with a suspicious looking long present.  Playing piano on this floor is Schroeder from Peanuts while two elves are painting “Bart Simpson – Vice President” onto the door of his new office.  At this point Lisa approaches saying “so you’re the brown-nosed reindeer that’s jingled all the way to the top”.  He responds “just point me to Santa” as she clocks him as remaining looking for revenge for the toy that he never got revealing the BB gun hidden in his present.  With this threat Lisa calls for security as two snowmen in caps come running towards them only to melt away as Bart turns the heating to max.  In the puddle of one of the snowmen is the sad sight of a photograph of him and his family having fallen from his wallet.  Coldly Bart just picks up the carrot from his nose and takes a bite.  From here Bart kicks down Santa’s door where Krusty is playing the part.  As he looks around Bart sees that the place has fallen into ruin but still threats for his dirt bike to which Krusty/Santa responds “kid, this company is bust.  For years I have been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return, it’s not a sustainable business model”.  Bart responds “oh come on, things aren’t that bad” as Krusty/Santa points out that he’s eating his own reindeer.  On this revelation Bart says “you win” and Krusty/Santa tells him to head home as “there maybe a pair of work socks under your tree”.  At this point Krusty/Santa reveals that Bart has been away 25 years of earth time.  With Bart now gone Krusty/Santa says “kids never change, always dumb as potatoes” as he presses a secret button that transfers his office into a glittering nightclub type room with Run DMC “Christmas In Hollis” playing.  As Bart returns home the Polar Express finds itself being chased by Chief Wiggum in a flying police car causing Otto to panic and jump train.  The episode then cuts back to 742 Evergreen Terrace where Lisa is looking out of the window in horror at all the cut down Christmas trees being ferried on the back of trucks.  When she falls asleep her dream transports her to December 1944 where it turns out Marge is fighting overseas in World War II.  Meanwhile Homer is working at the Springfield Bomber Factory where he has wound up working because he is “too fat to fit in a foxhole” to serve in the army.  After work Homer brings home a tree which Lisa orders him not to bring into the house.  Homer responds “you don’t want a Christmas tree?  That’s crazy.  Next you won’t want a Christmas ham” to which she replies “don’t worry about that, I love meant and I always will”.  It turns out that her reason for disliking Christmas trees stems from Christmas 1943 when while shopping for said tree Marge was told that she was shipping out that night (“right before Christmas?”, “Hitler doesn’t take a holiday”).  So as a result Lisa never wants to see another Christmas tree until Marge comes back from duty safe and sound.  At this point Homer assures Lisa that Marge is safe (“they’d tell us as soon as they could”) just as a courier delivers a telegram informing that Marge is M.I.A., which Homer thinks means she has changed her name.  Distraught Lisa runs through the street repeatedly seeing Christmas trees (including Ralph decorated like a Christmas tree) serving as callous timely reminders.  Ending up in the Christmas tree lot Lisa bumps into the owner who says he has “been waiting for you” before handing her the tree Marge paid for last year which curiously is shaped like herself.  Back home Homer asks Bart “whose turn is it to cry?” to which he responds “yours”.  This prompts Grandpa to tell them to stop bellyaching before inadvertently revealing the frontpage of the newspaper to show the picture of a map on the cover that is shaped like Marge prompting the pair of them to begin crying.  With this Lisa arrives back with the tree shaped like Marge announcing how it represents their missing mother.  From here they decorate the tree while singing “O Tannebaum” in full German.  Who says Americans don’t do irony?  Meanwhile in Nazi occupied France Hitler is at La Gamaar watching Dummkopf (the Nazi version of Dumbo) as Marge sneaks into the cinema through the front door.  Inside Hitler is sat with the star of Dummkopf who steals the fuhrer’s popcorn while he is laughing at the bombing of London scene.  Behind the screen Marge sets fire to several reels of film before ripping through the screen with a machine gun aiming it at Hitler (“nein nein nein, why did I go to the 9 o’clock show?”) before ripping off his moustache and placing it on the soldier sat to his right.  The episode cuts to a shot of a door marked “ausgang” as machine gun fire is heard and while Marge walks away from the cinema it explodes in the background prompting her to say “auf wiedersehen”.  After this Lisa wakes commenting that this is the last time she ever brings these two to bed at the same time (a toy elephant and a copy of the book The Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich).  The third part of the episode features Marge writing a letter to Martha Stewart asking for help.  Upon receipt of the letter (miraculously delivered after sweeping out her hands through the window onto the screen of a U.S, mail truck that crashed and burned) she announces “Marge Simpson, I’m on my way” as she quickly finishes off knitting a rocket pack.  When she arrives she wakes Marge by saying “magical memories don’t make themselves”.  Somewhat surprised Marge asks “how did you get in here?” to which Martha reveals “a picket fence stood on its side makes a sturdy and attractive ladder”.  From here Stewart proceeds to make her bed including cutting up Marge’s wedding dress to make a dust ruffle (whatever that is).  When Bart and Milhouse run in dirty after a snowball fight cum mud fight she promptly turns them into two nutcracker toy soldier ornaments using coal scuttles for the hat and red gaffer tape for everything else before finishing off the look by using two table tennis bats wrapped in silver foil as the keys.  From here Lisa shows Stewart her homemade star from the tree made from discarded water bottles which she says is lovely before suggesting the superior method she would have used.  Having sorted out (and upset) the kids she turns her attention to the snoring Homer who has fallen asleep on the sofa reading Modern Fat Denier magazine.  Covering him with a curtain and placing various models on his being she soon turns him into a traditional Christmas tableau (whatever that is).  Then as Homer begins to come around Stewart knocks him out with some of her hubby’s holiday helper.  With everything now attended to Marge comments positively how it resembles the Christmas of a childless gay couple but resigns to it “just not being the same”.  With this she waves her wand and returns the Simpsons Christmas to what it was.  At this point Marge wakes up saying “I guess I’ll never have a perfect Christmas” just as the family come into her room wishing Merry Christmas complete with breakfast in bed in the form of the ingredients (“now we just have to make it”).  As Marge smiles they begin singing “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Breakfast” and Homer attempts to make breakfast before messing it up and changing the song to “We’re Gonna Go Out For Breakfast” (“it’ll be any place you choose, as long as its run by Jews, ‘cause they don’t think this holiday’s so great”).  Finally Maggie’s dream begins with her curled up with A Fluppet Christmas Special as we are entered into a wonderful puppet version of The Simpsons.  They look truly fantastic made this way, something you would want to watch for an entire episode.  And its film in front of a life studio audience (well, with canned laughter).  The section begins with Homer carrying cases in a Hawaiian shirt singing an “Aloha” song.  With this Lisa runs in asking if he got a good house sitter at which point Moe appears to a booing response from the audience.  After saying “sticks and stones may break my bones…” the audience proceeds to pelt him with said items until he spot cookies and runs over to devour them in the style of Cookie Monster.  Homer reminds Lisa to “pack only necessities” which to her is a saxophone and him is a six pack of Duff.  Meanwhile Moe is on the phone speaking to a lady (“hey baby”) inviting her to his new “bachelor pad at 742 Evergreen Terrace”.  After the call the phone remains stuck to his hand as a human hand appears to rip it off.  Now ready to leave Homer announces “nothing stands behind us and sunny Hawaii” as suddenly Mr Burns arrives at the door declaring “Merry Humbug everyone”.  Homer confesses that he got the week off work by telling Burns that he has a neck injury so he quickly attaches a false neck brace as Burns enters the room.  Homer asks Burns why he has come to visit as he replies “last night I had a visit from three spirits” as the camera cuts to Grandpa and Jasper in a box taking the role of Statler and Waldorf with Grandpa commenting “I wish this show had a visit from three new writers”.  Burns then spots the luggage and asks if Homer is going anywhere which coincides with Moe entering the room with a surfboard saying “hey guys you’ll need this on your trip to Hawaii” before Homer bashes him with said board prompting Burns to comment “your goblin fainted”.  As Burns asks “Simpson, where’s your Christmas tree?” the doorbell rings and it is Homer dragging in Flanders’ white tree with Flanders attempting to wrestle it back.  Eventually Homer wins, ripping off both Ned’s arms in the process.  Satisfied by this Burns says “I won’t interrupt you any longer, Merry Christmas to all” at which point popstar/fashionista Katy Perry in human form wearing a red rubber dress with pictures of the family on appears looking for her boyfriend Moe.  She immediately asks “what are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe’s bachelor pad?” prompting a gasp of shock.  With this Moe returns stating “that’s right, she’s into puppets” causing Burns to ask “what’s going on here?”  Homer comes clean over his lie so Burns orders “release the hounds” as only barks are heard and no hounds are seen.  Then up pops up sock puppet stating “we blew the budget on Katy Perry”.  Seeing the situation Perry helpfully announces “someone totally needs a hug” as she grabs Burns who says “I kissed a girl and I liked it”.  As a result “all is forgiven” and the Simpsons are free to go to Hawaii once they have all sung one Christmas carol in the form of the original unabridged 39 Days Of Christmas.  From here they sing down to the 30^th day before it is announced that tonight’s episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut and the number e (“not the letter e but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself”) which then cuts to Jasper and Grandpa as he comments “well, its been a long run but I think this will kill it” to which Jasper responds “what The Simpsons?”  “No, Christmas”.  And we laugh.  The credits then role as the remaining days thirty to twelve are sung out (with twenty eight being a repeat) before the final cut is to Moe hopping to try and kiss Katy Perry at which point he gives in and says “I’ll just kiss your belly button” at which point she replies “that’s not my belly button but I didn’t say stop” in what is one of the filthiest jokes in Simpsons history.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

This is a dense fucking episode, essentially four modern episodes squeezed into one.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

Christmas is complex and even the most wholesome stories can be mutated and mocked.  That and Katy Perry is quite attractive.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The Polar Express.  Dumbo in Germany was Dummkopf and featured a flying elephant dropping a bomb on Big Ben, Westminster, the Houses Of Parliament, a red double decker bus and the Royal Shakespeare Company.  And then Dummkopf chokes Winston Churchill with his trunk.

BEST LINES:

“Three gingerbread workmen died making that”.  “But you wanted those toys”, “I wanted them until I got them”.  “Someday TV will be invented and it will be free and then it will cost money”.  “Your goblin fainted”.

BEST JOKES:

I like Grandpa and Jasper taking the role of Statler and Waldorf.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

A Fluppet Christmas Special.  The model of Bart’s ball bearing gun is BB King.  The sign in the Wrapping Room that says “Report Nog Abuse”.  The 1944 Studebaker calendar with the tagline “the car of the future”.  The Springfield Bomber Factory in 1944 was previously Mama Mussolini’s Meatball Factory.  Homer’s co-workers at the Springfield Bomber Factory include Mrs Skinner, Mrs Van Houten and Mrs Wiggum.  In 1944 there was an Itchy & Scratchy “Loose Lips Sink Ships” poster featuring Itchy cutting Scratchy’s lips off.  The 1944 newspaper War Extra edition features the headline “Allied Armies Advance” and a map that resembles the shape of Marge.  Martha Stewart’s homemade magic wand is made up of: an old car antenna marinated overnight in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun baked at 350 until a rainbow shoots out of the oven.  The 39 Days Of Christmas are: 39 Fopps-a-fopping, 38 Fishwipes hugging, 37 Coopers cooping, 36 boot blacks boffing, 35 buskers busking, 34 something something, 33 ???, 32 Dutchmen plotting, 31 Doctor’s leeching, 30 year average lifespan, 29 Smiths a-forging, 28 coopers cooping, 27 eelers eeling, 26 anarchists bombing, 25 swamis foreseeing, 24 sideburns curling, 23 monks a-chanting, 22 rats a-plaguing, 21 coxswains calling, 20 flautists fluting, 19 footmen bowing, 18 gungas dinning, 17 seventy-si-ix, 16 midwives birthing, 15 alienists aliening, 14 jacks a-ripping, 13 scriveners scrivening, 12 lords a-leaping (it ends).

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Not in this one.

MVP:

Moe.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Katy Perry and Martha Stewart.

SONGS:

“Strange Days” by The Doors and “Christmas In Hollis” by Run DMC.

EPISODE LINKS:

It’s just a Christmas episode.

PERCULARITIES:

Katy Perry liking Moe.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

No blackboard, it has a cold opening.

OTHER:

I would pay to see a full episode of Muppet Simpsons.

FINAL WORDS:

There is still life left in this show yet.

THE PRINCIPAL AND THE PAUPER

SEASON 9 EPISODE 2 (EPISODE 180)

THIS IS IT:

This is the Seymour Skinner story.  Sort of.  It is one of those weird Simpsons episodes that is stand alone and feels the equivalent of “let’s never speak of this again” (which is reiterated at the end).  From a continuity perspective it is infuriating but on the plus side it features Martin Sheen.  The episode opens with Principal Skinner walking along the corridors of Springfield Elementary at 3PM inspecting his school (“I have it going on”).  Meanwhile Superintendent Chalmers, who has been following him, steps into the Faculty Lounge complaining “God lord!  The rod up that man’s butt must have a rod up its butt”.  At this point Miss Krabappel offers him a cup of coffee flavoured beverine which he takes grey with creamium.  At this point he makes an announcement that in hour of Skinner’s 20^th year as principal they have decided to hold a surprise tribute on the coming Friday night.  At this point Groundskeeper Willy pipes up “it’s my 20^th year too” which prompts Chalmers to cruelly respond “the teachers’ lounge is for teachers Willy” causing him to spit on the floor as he leaves.  We cut to Lisa’s classroom where Miss Hoover is requesting a volunteer to present an oral report on Principal Skinner’s life at the tribute.  Obviously she is thinking of Lisa but naturally Ralph puts up his hand asking the famous question: “Miss Hoover, which one is oral?” to which she responds with the handy rhyme “out of your mouth, Ralph”.  In the end she selects Lisa but to keep things fair she suggests that she and Ralph can do the presentation together.  Back home Bart is scooping up meatballs with little American flags inserts causing Marge to ask what he’s doing to which he responds “our class is making refreshments for Skinner’s party.  These are in honour of his army days” to which Marge says “that explains the flags but what about the dog food?”  “My theory is, Skinner likes dog food” at which point Homer comes along excitedly declaring “a fresh batch of America balls” before scoffing them.  With this we cut to Skinner’s house where he is making his weekly silhouette at which point his mother screams asking him what the time is (“7 o’clock Friday night, time for our weekly silhouette”).  At this point she steps in all dressed up saying “no, cutting out your ugly nose gives me a hand cramp”).  Soon Skinner notices that his mother is all dressed up as he enquires why to the battering response “because I’m sick of this house and I’m sick of you.  Tonight we’re going for a drive”.  He asks “what’s so special about tonight?” to which she insists “nothing.  Now put on your special suit and get in the car”.  From here he drives to the school where on the sign outside it says “Tonight: Surprise Tribute to Seymour Skinner”.  Curious about the visit Skinner asks Agnes what the sign says at which point she slaps him before leading him into the gymnasium where several members of the community jump out as a surprise.  With this Skinner sheds a tear and says “mother, you are still the master of deception”.  We cut to Lisa and Ralph giving their presentation with Lisa reading facts about Skinner’s army exploits while Ralph makes simple but sweet statements.  The music teacher then conducts his class singing the theme to Flipper albeit with the words changed to “they call him Skinner, no one you see is stricter than he”.  At this point a shady character passes the school reading the sign out front in shock, telling his driver to stop.  Back inside at the tribute Superintendent Chalmers introduces the anniversary cake which is wheeled out by Bart and Milhouse at which point Bart says “hope you all brought forks and plates” as the camera cuts to Chief Wiggum gleefully displaying that he has brought his own.  With this Skinner goes up onstage to blow out the candles after which he shakes Bart’s hand where he has a hand buzzer which Skinner naively refers to as an “enjoyment buzzer”.  As he gives a thank you speech out of the shadows emerges another man claiming to be Skinner who Agnes recognises before promptly fainting.  With this Superintendent Chalmers requests that “would somebody please remove that crazy man” at which point Seymour confesses that he’s an impostor.  While the room reacts in shock Homer sneakily acts shocked while slowly moving towards the cake.  From here we cut to Skinner’s office where they are attempting to resuscitate Agnes and Chalmers asks the new man who he is.  It turns out that the existing Skinner was in the real Skinner’s platoon but he believed that he was killed on a scouting mission however he was just captured (“its kind of a funny story”).  In the end after fives in a POW camp in Vietnam he was sold to China for slave labour and since 1977 he has been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop.  It transpires that the U.N. just shut down the factory last week and the embassy shipped him home.  Asking the existing Skinner his story it is revealed that his real name is Armin Tamzarian prompting gasps from everyone in the room except for Bart who laughs his head off.  Tamzarian is an orphan from Capital City and was once himself a street punk.  Inevitably he was arrested at which point he was given the option of imprisonment, the military or apologising to the judge who he ran over and the old lady whose purse he stole.  He chose the army without realising that the Vietnam War was going on (“I probably would have apologised”).  He turns out to be a reckless soldier whose dreams “all involve combing my hair”.  Sad to hear this Sergeant Skinner tells him of his dream to return to Springfield and become principal of the school.  Tamzarian responds saying “some might call that a pretty corny dream” but he is sold and inspired.  With this Sergeant Skinner takes Tamzarian under his wing and shows him that life is worth living, thinking of him as the big brother he had never had.  One day after landing from a helicopter Skinner is hit by a large shell prompting everyone to believe that he is missing presumed dead and with that Tamzarian’s future dies again.  When he returns to the U.S. Tamzarian feels it his duty to return Skinner’s belongings at which point a confused Agnes thinks that he is Skinner.  She says that he looks different but still he “must be Seymour” at which point she cunningly points him in the direction of Skinner’s room (“upstairs, third door on the left”) subtly revealing that she knows what she is doing/scheming.  So with that Tamzarian makes his final confession that for the past 26 years he has been living out the real Skinner’s dream.  With this Agnes now disowns her existing son while also rejecting the real Seymour Skinner (“I have no son”).  Resigned to the situation Tamzarian announces “I guess I’ll have to find a hotel” at which point Chalmers says “I won’t hear of it, you can sleep on the floor of your office”.  The next morning Bart wakes Tamzarian after being sent to him by Krabappel for forging Homer’s signature on his report card although he doesn’t see this as being any different to Tamzarian stealing Skinner’s identity to which he concedes it would be somewhat hypocritical to punish Bart.  Later while buying groceries at the Kwik-E-Mart Tamzarian experiences identity confusion as to which name to sign his check with (“just put an X by your name and call yourself whatever the hell you want”).  At this point he tells Apu that there is no need for profanity saying that he is still the same person he was last week at which point Marge butts in and tells him he’s not, expressing distaste at being lied to (“to me you’re just a stranger pretending to be something he’s not”).  On that note he calls an assembly to announce his retirement (“effective as of the end of this sentence”) as he suggests/recommends Sergeant Skinner as his replacement (“if a man pretending to be me can do it then the real me must be far more qualified”).  With this Tamzarian moves out of the Skinner house and leaves Springfield visited Edna on the way.  She pleads with him to stay but he decides to leave the town forever.  On his way he visits his Stor-U-Stuff unit, puts on his old leather jacket announces “time to pick up where I left off, as a no good street punk”.  From here he rides his motorbike out of town.  We cut to a news storage by Kent Brockman of the town opening its arms to the new Seymour Skinner.  At a public address with Mayor Quimby he announces that Springfield beats the older slave labour camp.  Watching at home Lisa expresses some doubts over Sergeant Skinner expressing admiration for how Armin Tamzarian pulled himself up from the gutter with hard work.  Bart reiterates how he lied to everyone but Lisa says it was just a name using the “would a rose under any other name” cliché to which Bart counters “not if you called them “Stench Blossoms” as Homer adds “or Crap Weeds”.  Marge states that she would hate to receive Crap Weeds for Valentines Day and how she would prefer to receive candy.  To this Homer factors “not if they were called “Scum Drops”.  Back at Springfield Elementary the new Principal Skinner struggles as he despairs at the pupils’ inability to do the Pledge Of Allegiance (primarily Bart).  Skinner considers this an insult to everything he suffered for.  He also clashes with Edna when asking her to recite the pledge after describing her as “someone who gave their youth in service of their country” (“you haven’t dealt with women in a long time have you Sergeant”).  Meanwhile in Capital City Tamzarian is pushing his motorbike back in his old neighbourhood.  He spots a “Help Wanted” sign at Topless Nudes which he applies for and gets as the next thing we see is him stood outside wearing a sandwich board that says “Nude! Nude! Nude!” while he reads from a script “oh yes, oh yes.  Capital City’s nakedest ladies.  They’re not even wearing a smile not suggestively.  Yes six, count ‘em, six gorgeous ladies just dying for your leers and catcalls, yowsa yowsa”.  Back at the Skinner house in Springfield the time is 7.30PM and Agnes is stressing at Seymour asking where he has been.  He says that he’s been at a bar, something she claims not to know before ordering him to come straight home after school on Fridays as it is “silhouette night”.  With this Seymour states that he just really came home to change into a turtleneck before telling her that he is borrowing her car causing great tension for her.  The next time we see Agnes she is at the supermarket where Marge bumps into her and asks how her “new son is working out?”  Angrily she responds “that child is the most disobedient smart alecky middle aged man in creation” at which point Edna pops up asking “hello ladies is this the line for people that want to bad mouth Sergeant Skinner?”  Marge points out that it’s the line for ten items or less so Edna throws various items from her trolley to bring it down to ten before stating “the man’s a weenie”.  In his defence Marge states that Armin Tamzarian was just as big a weenie to which Edna cries “but he was our weenie” as Agnes adds “now there was a weenie you could be proud of to call your son”.  On this bombshell Marge asks “did you ever tell him that?”  With this we cut to Homer driving Edna, Agnes, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Grandpa and Jasper to Capital City.  During the drive Grandpa tries it on with Agnes who responds “in your dreams” as he promptly nods off.  They find Tamzarian living at The Ritz-Carlton Hotel For Transients where the nine of them try to persuade him to return to Springfield.  Angered by this response Agnes tells him that she has been raising him for 26 years and that he is her real son stating that the real Seymour Skinner doesn’t need her and she doesn’t need him.  With this she orders him to go downstairs and get in the car before telling the rest of the group to do so too.  Homer drives Tamzarian straight to Springfield Elementary where a gathering crowd welcomes him back.  He announces that he is going to take over the school again.  On this announcement Mayor Quimby voices hesitation describing Armin Tamzarian as “an savoury character who played us all for chumps” prompting Homer to state that he “doesn’t care.  His mom doesn’t care.  Do any of you care?” to the resounding response of “no”.  With Sergeant Skinner points out that everyone seems to be forgetting that he is still around (“this is where I belong.  You can’t ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better.  I gave half my life for you, aren’t I entitled to a little dignity?”).  With this Homer offers a solution that will satisfy the town and allow Sergeant Skinner to keep his dignity: tie him to a chair tied to a train wagon.  As he wheels out of Springfield Station Agnes walks along the side and apologises stating that he is “just not what I’m looking for in a son, I’m glad you understand” and with that he is gone.  Armin Tamzarian says this to be a nice gesture but says the town has to face the fact that he is not Seymour Skinner at which point Judge Snyder steps out and legally changes his name before decreeing “that everything will be just like it was before all this happened.  And no one will ever mention it again, under penalty of torture”.  On this announcement Agnes hands Skinner “his” pocket watch before declaring that he has never been happier or prouder to be Seymour Skinner and that his past few days as Armin Tamzarian have taught him that he has been a bit too uptight in the past as he says “well from now on you’re going to see a new Seymour Skinner” and loosens his tie to which Agnes promptly snaps “oh no we won’t” which sees Skinner comply with “yes mother” as he straightens his tie back.  Then titles run and we are back to where we started.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

It’s OK but it doesn’t make sense and thus it is a much derided episode.  That said it isn’t much different to the origin of Don Draper in Mad Men which those guys have got away with.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

I guess the message of this episode is that it is wrong to pass yourself off and pretend to be another person.  It is a picture assessment of identity and the importance of being genuine.  However what it personally taught was more about the reaction of people when they feel they have been duped.  The most chilling moment for me is Marge’s shun of Armin in the Kwik-E-Mart.  Marge!  Marge is the most forgiving lady in existence (well, in suggested existence).  When women decide I guess.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The kids sing a modified version of the Flipper theme.  Also anything Martin Sheen and Vietnam can only bring about thought of Apocalypse Now.

BEST LINES:

“Miss Hoover, which one is oral?”  “Principal Skinner is an old man that lives at the school”.  “When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar”.

BEST JOKES:

Chief Wiggum goes to the tribute event with his own fork and plate and Homer’s roll call explanation for driving a full car to Capital City.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

In 1966 Skinner enlisted in the army and shipped out to Vietnam.  His eventual rank was platoon sergeant.  Spring Elementary normally only serves cake on Thursdays.  Seymour Skinner is a member of the Radio Shack Battery Club.  Skinner has a souvenir from his trip to upstate New York of ten Canadian dollars.  He owns a Stor-U-Stuff storage unit.  Bart’s version of the Pledge Of Allegiance goes “Hey America, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind, America”.  433 Street in Capital City is Tamzarian’s old neighbourhood.  Now it is home to Topless Nudes nightclub.  Armin owns a porno mag called Swank.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Back to Marge’s shun of Armin.  I have felt that frost, often from things I have said/written on the internet.  It’s actually a very revelatory moment.  People can turn, people will turn, people do turn.  Even the ones you think the nicest.

MVP:

It has to be Armin Tamzarian.  His performance is dense and pained, displaying a new side of Skinner that is seldom seen.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Martin Sheen is the real Seymour Skinner.  Is this perhaps the story of what happened next for Benjamin Willard?  And in that case, does that make the existing Seymour Skinner his Kurtz?

SONGS:

Only the kids singing “They Call Him Skinner” to the Flipper theme music.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links, this is a very stand alone episode.

PERCULARITIES:

The whole episode is peculiar.  So what happened to the real Seymour Skinner when the train stops?  Why doesn’t he return to Springfield to sought reparation?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

There is no blackboard.

OTHER:

Ralph has some pretty good lines in this baby.

FINAL WORDS:

I maintain that this plot was lifted by Mad Men as Harry Crane (Jon Hamm) adopts/steals the identity of Don Draper.