TEAM HOMER

SEASON 7 EPISODE 12 (EPISODE 140)

THIS IS IT:

The episode about team work and bonding and how a competitive past time can go awry.  In other words: ten pin bowling.  It begins at The Android’s Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop where Bart and Milhouse are browsing as the latest Mad Magazine Special Edition hitting the racks causes great excitement with Milhouse commenting “they’re really sticking it to that Spiro Agnew guy again.  He must work there or something”.  They proceed to do the fold-in at which point Comic Store Guy tells them angrily “you fold it, you bought it”.  Back home Homer reads the magazine with Bart discovering the t-shirt transfers as Marge becomes concerned that “those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter”.  Next we see Homer at Moe’s where he is the only person in the bar as Moe comments how “business stinks tonight” wondering where Barney, Lenny and Carl are.  Homer comments “they never come around anymore now that they’ve got their mistresses”.  With this Moe concedes “might as well close the dump” just as outside Mayor Quimby is leading a large group of gentleman to the bar stating “I am a going to drink you under the table”.  Stretching his arms out Homer states its getting late and he had better get home at which point he desperately lurches at the bar asking “there’s gotta be some other place we can go.  Think Moe, think”.  The episode cuts to a bowling alley where it is League Night.  As Homer and Moe ask about playing the teenager at the desk comments “sorry its league night, I couldn’t give a lane to my own mother” as she passes commenting “I have no son”.  Discouraged they exit with Moe ranting “man you go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face.  And for what?  For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team.  Well I’m better than dirt.  Well, most kinds of dirt.  Not that fancy store bought dirt, that’s loaded with nutrients.  I can’t compete with that stuff”.  At this point Apu steps up equally frustrated about being unable to play (“that I cannot bowl reeks with my self esteem as well”).  With this Homer gets up and says “I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!”  And with that Homer declares them a team as the alley assistant informs them that they are short one person.  Soughting solution Homer points at Otto playing a crane arcade game stating “that long-haired freak’s bowled with us for years”.  The truth is that Otto is more focused on the machine stating “I don’t care if it takes me all night, I’m gonna get me that lobster harmonica”.  Now convinced that they are a team the assistant states that hey now just needs the $500 registration fee.  Of course they don’t have this kind of money as Homer reacts in horror before asking the assistant if he will accept an “out of state, co-party bank cheque”.  With this we cut to Marge and Homer in bed where she is telling him “no I will not pay you $500 for sex”.  His persuasion continues to fail as he states “oh come on Marge.  You’re getting something in return and I’m getting a bowling team.  Its win win”.  Eventually the reality dawns that Marge does not have $500 to spend on sex so she suggests that Homer find someone with money to sponsor his team such as Mr Burns.  From here we cut to Mrs Krabappel’s class where she is setting a homework assignment as Bart announces how hot it is the room before saying “I better take off my sweater” to expose his t-shirt displaying the Mad Magazine transfer of “Down with homework”.  As the class explodes in laughter Mrs Krabappel attempts to cover its message as Milhouse comments “the shirt makes a good point” and Nelson adds “I’m with the shirt, homework rots”.  And with that the classroom riots throwing books out windows, banging the blackboard erasers together, Ralph eats paste and the teacher’s desk is set on fire.  In a bad stroke of luck this is the exact moment Principal Skinner steps round the corner with Superintendent Chalmers in the process/middle of his yearly evaluation.  As the evaluation comes to an end Chalmers says he is most impressed and proceeds to give it a perfect 10 as he writes the grade down beginning with the zero first.  Unfortunately before he has opportunity to complete writing the score a stampede of children comes running through the hall chanting “down with homework”.  As he passes Skinner spots Bart pulling him from the crowd and gasping at the message on his t-shirt.  In the principals office Skinner looks at the offending shirt and says “so we meet again Mad Magazine”.  With this Bart asks how he knows it was from Mad as Skinner looks out the window and launches into a war story: “the year was 1968.  We were on recon in a steaming Mekong Delta.  An overheated private removed his flak jacket to reveal a t-shirt sporting an iron on Mad slogan “Up with miniskirts”.  We all had a good laugh even though I didn’t quite understand it.  But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us.  I spent the next three years in a POW camp forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice.  I came close to madness trying to find it here in the states but they just can’t get the spices right…” at which point Bart cuts in asking “er, my punishment?”  Snapping out of his mental flashback Skinner states that he is going to have to think about it before handing Bart a sofa cushion to wear home.  From here we cut to Mr Burns groaning as Smithers files his nails.  Suffering Burns states that he needs more Ether because he can “still feel the movement of the Emery board”.  As Smithers attempts to sedate him more he discovers he is fresh out of Ether so heads off for more as Burns commands him to leave the rag which he promptly takes a hit of.  At this point as Smithers leaves the office Homer nervously steps in as thanks to the Ether Burns hallucinates that Homer is the Poppin’ Fresh doughboy.  Getting up he states there is something he has wanted to do to him for years as he pokes Homer in the belly and makes him giggle.  And as Homer continues to giggle Burns continues to poke accidentally repeatedly poking him in the eye in the process.  Before long Homer calms down and asks Mr Burns if he would like to sponsor his bowling team for $500 as he responds by grabbing his belly and stating “well certainly Poppin’ Fresh.  I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple bleached goo.”  Celebrating appropriately Homer jumps out the office announcing to the hallway “hey everybody.  If you want to ask Burns for a favour, now’s the time!  He’s doped up or dyin’ or something”.  At this point Hans Moleman sweeping outside the office enters and asks Burns for $17 for a push broom rebristling.  Still hallucinating Mr Burns states “why its that delightful TV leprechaun.  I’m going to get your Lucky Charms” as he reaches for drill and aims for Hans’ skull as the camera cuts to the hallway as the squishing of skin, bone and brains is heard as Moleman feebly declares “oh no, my brains”.  The second act begins with Homer, Moe, Apu and Otto outside Barney’s Bowlarama where they are writing “Pin Pals” on the back of each other’s plain white t-shirts.  The time is 8PM when they enter as Krusty playing for the Channel 6 Wastelanders comments to his team-mate Kent Brockman “hey, nice ‘quote’ uniforms ‘end quote’” and Brockman joins in mocking “news just in.  New additions to the worst dressed list: those guys!” as their other team-mates Bumblebee Man (Pedro) and Arnie Pie join in with the laughter.  With that Apu reacts “oh forget this, I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that” as Homer reasons “oh c’mon.  If we quit now we’ll never know how badly they’re gonna beat us” as Moe agrees “yeah you’re right, that’s the kinda think that would haunt ya”.  The next thing we see is Bumblebee Man scoring a strike and goading “Buenas noches senoritas” as Moe reacts “what did he say?  What did he say?  Was that about me?”  The game finally comes down to Otto needing to bowl a spare at which point Moe decrees defeat as Homer steers morale by getting them to support and chant “you can do it Otto!  Help each other out!  That will be our motto!”  And as the chant builds Apu adds the verse “make this spare, I’ll give you free Jellotto” followed by Moe stating “then make to my place, where I’ll get you blotto” as Homer closes “domo erogoto, Mr rebotto”.  Then with the war chant still going Otto calmly steps up “guys, I made the spare.  We won” at which point the Pin Pals celebrate spraying the beers over each other as in the background the Channel 6 Wastelanders exit with scowls.  At this point Barney Sr approaches the Pin Pals stating “those beers are $5 a piece” as they carefully rinse their shirts and out pouring the beer back into the bottles, recapping them and returning them.  Back at the Simpson house Homer is in bed with Marge telling her about the victory and how it came down to him, he was the one that came up with the chant that won the matching encouraging the 7 10 split shot.  With this Marge asks who knocked down the pins as Homer concedes “some guy, Otto I guess” as she responds “good for him”.  Frustrated be her reaction Homer explains “its not the individual that matters, it was a team effort and I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.  Me!”  Still failing to resonate with Marge she says “I can’t believe Otto picked up a 7 10 split.  He’s phenomenal”.  The following day the episode returns to school where Skinner is holding an assembly announcing “several days ago a violent riot erupted incited by an inflammatory t-shirt slogan” at which point the school kids start murmuring trying to recall the slogan prompting Skinner to continue “no, no, now don’t try to remember what that slogan was.  To ensure this frenzied dance of destruction is never repeated I’ve decided starting Monday all students will be required to wear uniforms”.  With this the entire hall gasps “uniforms!?” as paper balls and a shoe are thrown at Bart who is to blame.  From here Skinner puts on a record of Spanish Flea while Lunch Lady Doris introduces Martin and Lisa modelling the uniforms: “say hello to our little genius Martin who looks even smarter in this vest and short pant combination from Mr Boy of Main Street.”  Speechless Nelson and Milhouse look on dumbfounded as it continues “or how about Lil’ Lisa Simpson.  She’ll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble topped off with a saucy French beret that seems to scream ‘silence!’”  She too gets hit by a barrage of rolled up paper and a shoe.  At this point Skinner waves in two forklift trucks (one driven by Willie) carrying one box from Mr Boy and one box from Mr Boy For Girls.  “All right now pick your size: extra-small or extra-large.  We’ve got both.  No pushing now”.  And within seconds they have run out of extra-large.  Back the bowling alley the Pin Pals are now playing DMV Regulation Kings who include Selma and Patty among their numbers.  The chanting continues as Homer, Apu and Otto cheer on Moe with “go Moe, go Moe, don’t make Homer go Doh!”  And it indeed works as they win again climbing to third in the league standings behind the Holy Rollers in first and the Springfield Police Framers in second.  Next we see Apu bowling successfully against the Springfield Police Framers who are made up of Chief Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and Snake.  For their next shot they unshackle Snake who takes a long run up of ten steps passing the lane and escaping through a hatch door on the side of the alley.  As a result the Springfield Police Framers have to forfeit as the Pin Pals register their latest victory.  With the championship now in sight they look at the trophy as Apu states they will never win it because “the Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row” at which point they turn and look at the Holy Rollers consisting of Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Helen Lovejoy.  Moe disputes them saying “they think they are so high and mighty just because they never got caught driving without pants”.  Back home Bart and Lisa are now sporting their new school uniforms as Bart complains how his slingshot doesn’t fit in his new outfit’s pocket and that the shorts leave nothing to the imagination.  As he concludes “these uniforms suck!” Marge asks where he picks up words like that as we cut to Homer on the phone saying “that team sure did suck last night.  They just plain sucked.  I’ve seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked”.  With that Marge nags “Homer, what you mouth” as Homer finishes the call “I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening” as Lisa disputes “we are not wieners” as he asks “then what are you dressed like that for?”  In tandem Bart and Lisa respond “they made us!” as Homer mocks responding “that’s loser talk.  You gotta start acting more like me and my team the future league champions of the world.  Nothings gonna stop us now”.  And at this exact point Mr Burns is review his cheques as he shouts “stop everything.  I don’t remember writing a cheque for bowling” which actually turns out to be a cheque for (internal) bowling (“remember the month you didn’t do it?”, “yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned”).  Then he discovers the cheque he wrote to sponsor Homer’s bowling team.  Picking it up Smithers reads the memo as being “to my pal Poppin’ Fresh” (“oh yes that greedy grabbing glob of chemicals”).  Smithers immediately picks that it “was probably one of your Ether induced hallucinations” as he checks the employee computer files to see who can pull off such an impersonation.  There are two matches either: Pops Freshenmeyer or Homer Simpson the second of which carries a probability error of 1 in 44 billion, in other words a perfect match.  Upon discovery Burns declares “lets shut down this bowling scam right now”.  The episode cuts back to Barney’s Bowlarama where The Homewreckers featuring Mindy Simmons, Princess Kashmir, Lurleen Lumpkin and Jacques are going down to the Pin Pals where Homer is bowling to the chant of “come on Homer, come on Homer, pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer”.  He gets the strike and wins them the game and as the defeated Homewreckers exit Princess Kashmir pushes Jacques.  As the Pin Pals bask in victory Burns and Smithers arrive with Burns stating “look at them Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement” as Smithers states “I have a much uglier word for it sir: misappropriation”.  As the pair of them approach Smithers yells “Simpson” prompting Homer to nervously toss a bowling over his shoulder prompting a bone crack and scream in the background.  And just as Burns looks as if he is about to punish Homer he drops his voice and states “I want to join your team”.  Homer and Smithers respond in shock as Burns states “I’ve had one of my unpredictable changes of heart.  Seeing these fine young athletes revelling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe, I haven’t felt this energised since my last, er, bowling”.  With this Otto states “oh man, he’ll blow our winning streak” as Moe adds “call this an unfair generalisation if you must but old people are no good at everything”.  Now placed in an awkward situation Homer states “no look boys its not that simple the guy’s my boss.  Tell you what, I’ll give him a shot and if he stinks it’ll be easier to tell him no”.  The try out is tough as Burns pushes the bowling ball as if it were a boulder.  He soon gets out of breath attempting to push it as he collapses on top of it and his tongue slips out as ever the supporter Smithers runs up to the pins and kicks them over to give him a kind of strike.  Then as Burns turns to look for the team’s opinion Homer declares “welcome aboard!”  Back at Springfield Elementary the kids in their uniform are trudging around obeying the bell in paralyzed group fashion, their collective will is broken as Skinner states “ah, these uniforms are a godsend.  Horseplay’s down 40%, youthful exuberance has been cut in half, high spirits are at an all-time low” as Lunch Lady Doris adds “they’ve even begun blinking in unison”.  In Mrs Krabappel’s class she announces now that they are in quiet time she is going to make sure her desk is exactly parallel to the wall as she bends over and makes her behind vulnerable for a shot of some kind.  With this Bart picks up his slingshot having forgotten what to use it for (“oh there’s something I used to do in this situation but can’t remember”).  Even Nelson has forgotten to laugh as he goes “Ha! Ho?”  Back at the bowling alley Otto is now out the Pin Pals having returned to the claw arcade machine stating “I can’t believe I got booted off the team for Mr Businessman.  I bet I get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma” which he promptly goes after in the machine.  Meanwhile on the lanes Mr Burns is playing for the Pin Pals guttering his bowl as Moe angrily informs Homer “that’s the third game in a row he’s cost us” as they lose to The Stereotypes consisting of Luigi Risotto, Groundskeeper Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McCallister who all fire off their stereotypical trademark catchphrases in victory.  At this point Apu curses “they begged me to join their team”.  After the game the four team members each have a beer as beneath Moe and Apu boot Homer beneath the table prodding him that he needs to fire Mr Burns from the team.  Oblivious to this Burns states “we certainly got walloped tonight didn’t we fellas”.  With this in mind Homer informs Burns that “next week is the big championship game” as Burns fails to take the hint laughing it off stating “the only ship worth giving a damn about is friendship” as he folds a napkin into the shape of a ship placing it on Homer’s beer (“look here comes the friend ship sailing your way”).  Then as the paper ship sinks to the bottom of the glass he states “oh let me get that friend” as it turns out that he learns he loses a fingernail in the drink (“there’s Leprosy for you”).  Back at Springfield Elementary the kids now at breaktime remain in a trance bouncing balls and swinging in tandem while games of It are no longer energetic.  Reviewing the situation Superintendent Chalmers walks through the schoolyard with Skinner while in the background rain clouds arrive.  And with exactly a minute before Chalmers leaves a storm breaks out which gets the uniforms wet to reveal colours as Milhouse proclaims “I’m freaking out” and the other kids snap out of their trance and run riot.  Angered Chalmers asks why the uniforms aren’t colourfast as confused Skinner states “I don’t know, I got them at the same place I get all mother’s dresses.  Oh my god, mothers in the park” as he goes running off and Chalmers gleefully states “now this I gotta see”.  That night back at the Simpson house Homer is moaning to Marge “we were so close to winning the championship.  Now thanks to Burns its never going to happen.  And I spent so much time building that trophy case” as the camera cuts to a crappy wooden contraption with an Oscar in it stating Best Supporting Actor Don Ameche with the name scratched out and replaced by Homer Simpson.  Trying to help Marge offers “maybe Mr Burns will bowl a great game and you will win your championship” at which point Homer turns it into emotional blackmail asking “so you’re saying we’re definitely going to win” as he lets off one of his “woo-hoos!” before declaring “I won’t need this anymore” flushing the Don Ameche Oscar down the toilet where it gets stuck and he is next heard to say “Marge, someone broke the toilet”.  Onto the championship game where Homer, Moe and Apu are all warming up as the Holy Rollers arrive wearing monk/druid outfits as tracksuits.  They mean business as Moe states “don’t worry about nothing Homer.  I have a feeling Mrs Burns is going to have a little accident that might keep him from bowling with us tonight” as Burns staggers in held up by Smithers as his left leg has given up (“my old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again”) at which point a masked Moe jumps out the bathroom and hits the knee with car wrench actually repairing the knee as Burns declares “that precision assault popped it back into place.  Thank you masked stranger”.  Having failed in his effort to get rid of Burns, Moe snaps at Homer “either Burns goes or Moe goes” as Apu repeats the sentiments.  With this Burns arrives asking “so who’s ready to kick Christian keyster?”  Then as Homer begins sacking Burns from the team he fails to complete his sentence before Smithers hands him a box of Pin Pals personalised bowling shirts.  Impressed by this gesture Moe and Apu (“at last I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in”) are won over.  Burns continues his affection speech “I have always been wealthy but this is the first time I have felt rich”.  He then asks Homer what he was about to say as he bluntly says “you’re off the team” which Moe promptly laughs off as a joke (“he’s just ribbing ya Monty”).  Despite the matching uniforms the championship game is a disaster as while Mr Burns does one bowl the entire Holy Rollers manage a round of bowls each getting a strike in the process.  In response Apu, Moe and Homer all bowl strikes.  Eventually with one bowler left the Holy Rollers are one pin ahead.  And unfortunately that one bowler is Mr Burns.  Stepping up her gutters his first bowl suggesting “next time I few steps towards centre don’t you think?” as his team-mates cover their faces in horror as Homer proclaims “goodbye trophy”.  From here Burns rolls the last ball of the game which teeters on the gutter.  Meanwhile back at the crane game Otto is still chasing his prize as suddenly the crane has grip on “something big” which actually turns out to be a base screw attaching one of the legs to the machine.  As Burns’ final ball inevitable ends up in the gutter it softly knocks two pins which subtly wobble.  And at this exact moment Otto yanks the screw from the machine as one of its legs comes off and it crashes to the ground spewing all the prizes on the floor including the lobster harmonica.  The vibration of the crash causes all the pins to fall on the bowling lanes as Burns gets a strike and the Pin Pals win the championship.  With this Homer cheers “we won! We won!” as he, Apu and Moe jump and celebrate as the trophy is handed to Homer and promptly snatched from him by Mr Burns.  As sinister music drops in Burns strokes the trophy and says “you mean I won”.  Apu promptly says “we were a team sir” as Burns reveals that “I’m afraid I’ve had one of my trademark changes of heart.  You see teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.  Now, I must discard my team-mates much like the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before he can win the title”.  Hurt by this Homer comments “I guess some people just never change.  Or they quickly change then quickly change back”.  Then in a rare positive moment Moe pipes “you know what, we don’t need him or his trophy.  We got each other, huh?”  At which point Otto returns and joins in a group hug.  From here we cut to them stood at the gates of Burns’ mansion as Moe, Apu and Otto chant Homer on as he breaks into Burns’ mansion to retrieve the trophy.  As he does so the alarms sound and four hounds begin chase as he races to the gates at his team-mates then just as he jumps on the gate one of the hounds grabs him and drags him back down as they proceed to tear into him.  With this Otto ends the chant with “I guess no one can” as Moe shouts “run!  Before they’re through feeding”.  The episode ends with Homer being torn to shreds by the hounds.  Its actually a pretty dark finale if you think about it.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

The bowling element is very good but the Bart school uniform portion distracts from it and feels like a contractual obligation to give Bart airtime.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

Team sports connected to work are a minefield.  Do not socialise with your boss.  Uniforms are issued as a system of mental control.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

Hans Moleman is mistaken by Mr Burns as the Lucky Charms leprechaun.  Mad Magazine makes yet another appearance.  It was obviously an influence on the writers.

BEST LINES:

Moe ranting “man, you go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face.  And for what?  For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team.  Well I’m better than dirt.  Well, most kinds of dirt.  Not that fancy store bought dirt, that’s loaded with nutrients.  I can’t compete with that stuff”.   Amen Moe.  Also Mr Burns’ attitude towards getting ahead is a lesson for life: “You see teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.  Now, I must discard my team-mates much like the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before he can win the title”.

BEST JOKES:

Homer struggling to do the Mad Magazine fold-in and still laughing when he gets the incorrect answer of “The All Ighty Ollar”.  Marge angrily telling Homer “no I will not pay you $500 for sex”.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

The bowling alley is known as Barney’s Bowlarama and has a coffee shop.  Tuesday night is league night at the lanes.  Teams in the league are: Pin Pals (Homer, Moe, Apu, Otto then Mr Burns), Channel 6 Wastelanders (Krusty the Clown, Kent Brockman, Arnie Pie, Pedro aka Bumblebee Man), The DMV Regulation Kings (featuring Selma and Patty Bouvier), Springfield Police Framers (Chief Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and Snake), The Homewreckers (Mindy Simmons, Lurleen Lumpkin, Princess Kashmir and Jacques), the Holy Rollers (Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Helen Lovejoy) and the Stereotypes (Luigi Risotto, Groundskeeper Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McAllister).

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Having played company football I am very aware at how seriously bosses can take sports.  By getting involved you are taking your own career in your hands.  I’m not proud to admit that I once had my boss in a headlock because he dropped me from the company 5-a-side team in order to play ringers in an important game.

MVP:

Moe gets off some amazing lines.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

None.

SONGS:

“Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert is used to back the modelling of the new school uniforms.

EPISODE LINKS:

The Homewreckers feature Mindy Simmons from The Last Temptation Of Homer, Princess Kashmir from Homer’s Night out, Lurleen Lumpkin from Colonel Homer and Jacques from Life On The Fast Lane.

PERCULARITIES/RUBBERBAND REALITY:

Surely Homer would not be able to withstand the onslaught of four hounds tearing him to shreds.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

I am not certified to remove asbestos.

OTHER:

I’ve always been shit at bowling, almost as shit as Mr Burns.

FINAL WORDS:

Strike!

PYGMOELIAN

SEASON 11 EPISODE 16 (EPISODE 242)

THIS IS IT:

This is where Moe has an accident and gets plastic surgery at which point he wakes handsome and desired as his life changes.  It begins with an outside shot of the Simpson house and the sound of a smoke alarm ringing as panicked Homer runs through the house shouting “fire” waking his family.  With that they all grab important belongings and run out the house and into the car where Homer is waiting shouting “get in, move it, this is not a drill” but driving off declaring “good work everyone, we’re sure to be first in line for Duff Day”.  Unsurprisingly Marge is angry as she asks “you set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?”  Homer responds laughing “I know, I’m a character” before placing his cassette of beer music into the car stereo to get in the mood.  Already spooked by the apparent fire drill, in the back Bart and Lisa panic further, attempting to exit the car only to discover that the door handles have been removed.  Upon arrival at the festival they let off a sigh of relief at the cassette being turned off only to be faced by an actual oom-pah band.  Entering the festival they are met by Surly (one of the seven Duffs) declaring “Drink Duff!” following by a muffled “responsibly” to meet modern regulation.  At this point a greeter asks which of the group is the designated driver as Marge looks around at Homer attempting to screw the head off Surly and says that she guesses she is.  On that note she is directed to the Duff Designated Drivers’ Rockin’ Fun Zone which turns out to be a razor wire pen.  Walking around the festival Lisa comes across The Alco-Hall Of Fame featuring Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth and Benjamin Franklin.  Elsewhere Bart finds The Tipsy-Whirl a ride for kids that shows them what its like to get drunk by strapping them in a seat and spinning them around.  After the ride he is dizzy to the extreme as the lady supervising the ride declares “now you’re charming” to which he appropriately responds “you don’t know me”.  From here he staggers to Milhouse who has already taken the ride and they exchange drunken affection.  At this point the Beer-Tender Contest begins introduced by Duffman declaring “are you ready for some Duff love?  Today we’re going to discover which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff!” as Yello plays out in the background.  The contestants are Michael Finn from the Green Potato Pub in O’Hare International Airport, Titania from Juggernauts in Hollywood, California and Moe Szyslak from Moe's in Springfield (“the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug”).  And before Moe has even finished greeting the crowd Titania is throwing pints over her breasts to much holler and applause.  The first event is Trick Pouring (which Titania wins).  The final round is “Drunk Toss” which counts for 98% of the final score (“making the previous rounds a complete waste”).  Before beginning Duffman reminds that today’s winner is to be immortalised in the Duff Calendar.  At this point in a gesture of support Homer, Carl and Lenny reveal their chests to spell “MOO” in error (“Lenny, you were supposed to be E”, “see what happens when you skip rehearsal”).  The game involves throwing a drunk out a door and the distance is measured in a sandpit.  At this point Titania complains saying to Duffman “you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk” to which he responds “Duffman says a lot of things, oh yeah!” as walks off past Moe who is attempting (and failing) to lift Barney before deciding to run at him with a bat with a nail causing Barney to run and dive into the sandpit beating Finn’s effort just short of 12 feet when his tongue rolls out.  In victory Moe states what an honour it is to compete against “the mick and the chick with the rack” before Duffman brings out Duff’s Vice President In Charge Of Calendars And Fake I.D.s Phil Angelinis to take his official calendar portrait.  Unfortunately with Moe not being the most attractive man in the world the photo does not come out well prompting the comment from Duffman of “that’s a mug you don’t want to chug” to the more reasoned corporate response of “knock it off Larry, we can’t put this face on our calendar” while Homer, Carl and Lenny hold Moe aloft in victory.  With that the family returns to the Duff Designated Driver’s Rockin’ Fun Zone to collect Marge where she has since been joined by Seymour, Apu and Kirk.  From here they exit as on the way out they get a pink elephant balloon for Maggie from Sleazy the Duff Beer.  The second act begins at Moe’s as he paces behind the bar in front of Barney, Lenny and Carl nervously waiting for the Duff calendar to be delivered which Homer runs in with as Moe makes room on his wall for it by removing his liquor licence which Lenny points out as having expired in 1973 and only being good in Rhode Island.  And it has been signed/authorised by Moe himself.  Conceding it is old Moe states “yeah yeah I been meaning to get that updated for this date and real” before return attention to the calendar with “lets see the poster boy for the new Moellennium” as unfortunately his photo has been covered by a large “Drink Duff” logo sticker covering his face.  He then removes the sticker to reveal “Duff Enuff”, “Viva La Duff”, “Kiss Me I’m Duff”, “Ich Bin Ein Duff” and “I’mo Duff You Up!” stickers beneath.  Then finally he gets to his face which is now covered in sticker glue making his picture look even worse than it already is (which is pretty bad).  Horrified Moe asks “am I really that ugly?” and Carl attempts to help by saying “its all relative.  Is Lenny really that dumb?  Is Barney that drunk?  Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?”  With that Moe breaks down “oh my god, its worse than I thought” as Homer, Barney and Lenny also all burst out crying at the bar as Carl looks to the camera and says “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  After the break Moe continues reviewing the calendar stating “I can’t believe they put those stickers over my face” before resigning himself to “I must be the ugliest man alive” as Homer the guys continue trying to cheer him up asking if he has ever seen the people that go to White Castle (“Pig Town USA”).  Unswayed Moe continues “come on look at me, I’m a gargoyle what with the cauliflower ear and the lizard lips” to which Carl adds “little rat eyes”, Homer adds “caveman brow” and Lenny adds “don’t forget that fish snout”.  Wounded Moe puts his hands up and says “I get it, I ain’t pleasant to look at” as Lenny further chips in “or listen to” and Carl adds “or be with” as Homer leaps to his defence stating “come on Moe don’t feel bad, there’s too much emphasis on looks these days, that’s why they won’t let Bill Maher on TV before midnight”.  Trying to be helpful Lenny “if you’re tired of being an eyesore why not get some plastic surgery”.  Taking the idea on board, Moe offers “maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser”.  Dubious Carl comments “I dunno, plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you might still feel bad on the inside” but undaunted by the idea of feeling bad on the inside Moe shakes Carl’s hand for his idea stating “Carl Carlson, you just saved my life” as for some reason randomly Homer is behind the bar taking money from the till.  We return to the Simpsons house where Maggie is still playing with her pink elephant balloon.  With this Bart and Lisa step in commenting on how nice it must be to be amused by something so simple before grabbing it from Maggie and fighting for it at which point it gets loose and floats away towards the front door which Bart closes just in time only for it to get sucked into the fireplace and up the chimney and off into the distance prompting tears from Maggie as Bart and Lisa get their bikes and give pursuit.  Returning to Moe we enter the office of the Cosmetic Surgery Group (“We’ll Cut You Good”) where he is in his underwear and being inspected by a tanned surgeon in disco like ensemble complete with big collars, purple shirt and medallion.  During his examination he makes discouraging sounds including that of a bomb dropping causing Moe to comment “its hopeless ain’t it”.  The foreign doctor responds “no no no, I love a challenge.  First I must install buttocks” as Moe refuses stating “no luxury items, just the face”.  With that the surgeon begins survey his face before he snaps “can the medical mumbo jumbo, can you fix me or not?” to which the surgeon responds “we’ll see.  Most faces need a little remodelling but this is a total teardown”.  Returning to their pursuit of the balloon we spot Bart swinging a butterfly net at said balloon while sitting on Lisa’s shoulders as she rides her bike.  Back to the operating theatre Moe is being knocked out with gas ahead of his procedure.  The nurse on hand comments “oh boy, what a mug” to which the surgeon responds “you should see his genitals.  Would you like to see them?” as Moe states that he is still awake and can hear them.  It turns out that instead of anaesthetic, they have been pumping new car smell into his mouth.  With this the turn changes the setting and Moe passes out singing “silver bells”.  Meanwhile Bart and Lisa’s pursuit of the elephant balloon takes them to an office building where outside they leave Lisa’s bike only for Snake and his son to promptly hop aboard and ride off (“oh, that’s my little dude!”).  Inside the building a board meeting is taking place with the chair saying “we need a symbol, something that says we’re gay and Republican” just as the balloon floats in through the window offering the perfect image except to the comment “a little on the nose don’t you think?”  With this Lisa and Bart run in the room to collect their balloon as the chair hands it to them along with a bumper sticker that reads “A Gay President In 2084”.  Lisa questions the date as the response is “we’re realistic”.  Back at Springfield General Hospital the surgery is complete as the surgeon removes the bandages from Moe’s head as Homer tells him to hurry up as he needs to pee.  Shockingly a beautiful woman’s face is revealed.  And on that surprise Homer says “OK, now do Moe”.  As he unwraps Moe’s face the surgeon “well now we see if you go on my wall of fame or my blooper reel”.  When his face is revealed both Homer and the surgeon step back and gasp as naturally Moe snaps “what?  I’m a monster, right?  I knew it.  I guess I’ll just crawl back to live in the sewer periodically emerging to sue you”.  However when presented with a mirror it turns out that Moe is now handsome.  In disbelief Moe points and says “is that me?” as a tear trickles from his left eye which actually turns out to be leakage the surgeon immediately quarter sizes causing pain.  Next we see Moe leaving the hospital as four nurses gather round him saying “don’t be a stranger handsome”.  Outside Moe comments to Homer saying “did you hear that?” adding “its like I gone to heaven” before asking “I died on the operating table, didn’t I?”  Laughing Homer responds “yeah, but just for a minute.  It’s a funny story, I’ll tell ya sometime” and shocked and excited Moe realises “so this is all real?”  On that realisation Homer put his arm around Moe and they begin walking as he says “you dear, dear man.  You’re one of us beautiful people now and your new life begins today”.  Now coming to terms with the situation Moe states “a new life, a second chance…for revenge”.  And the first act of revenge is to drive to Duffman’s house and place a Duff sticker on his face (“Duffman can’t breathe, oh no”).  Next Moe and Homer go running up to the house of a lady who turned down his invitation to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance at High School as Moe rings the door to show her the face she “could have been kissing now” as Homer hiding in a bush reiterates the sentiment.  At this point the lady apologies saying “oh I was just a stupid kid back then and I feel terrible about hurting you.  Will you accept my apology?” which confuses Moe (“an apology?  Well Jeez, I wasn’t expecting that”).  Fortunately in a moment of clarity (dumb clarity) Homer exacts revenge emerging from the bush and throwing a rock through her window and shouting “run!” prompting Moe to declare “man that felt great”.  With this we cut to the Channel 6 Studios as Homer and Moe drive up stating “last stop Channel 6”.  Homer asks “you gonna get even with the lottery guy that never picks our numbers?” as Moe responds “nah nah nah, this is personal” as the episode does a flashback to his acting days and auditioning for the role of Dr Tad Winslow on the hit soap It Never Ends.  His audition immediately fails as the casting producers/execs discuss how they wanted “gritty and ugly” but they wanted “Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island ugly not Cornelius on Planet Of The Apes ugly, TV ugly not ugly ugly” all of which is being heard by Moe listening through a stage wall using his stethoscope.  Returning to the now Moe states sadly “I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly but never ugly ugly” before Homer puts his hand on his shoulder declaring “well its time to get some closure.  Extreme closure”.  With this we cut to the studio door of It Never Ends where inside the current Dr Tad Winslow is arguing with an exec stating how he has been the character for 25 years and how it is time he got a payrise to which the lady’s response is “oh shut up you windy old hack”.  At this point Moe pulls him aside asking the lady if she remembers him from 25 years ago “when you said I was too ugly to play Dr Tad Winslow”.  Oblivious she responds “I did?  Well that’s why pencils have erasers” as she puts her arm around Moe and announces “you’re our new Dr Tad Winslow”.  Naturally objecting to the decision the existing Dr Tad Winslow runs in declaring “there can’t be two Dr Tad Winslows, that’s going to…..oh” and with that realisation and resignation he removes his eye patch (revealing a tan line) and hands it to Moe.  With this he says “I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment” while in the background Homer laughs in giddy evil fashion as he douses the set in petrol.  Upon seeing this Moe runs over “Homer change of plans” prompting him to dump the gas can on the floor and walk off stating “whatever”.  The third act begins with the opening credits of It Never Ends and the Simpsons watching the show in their front room.  Lisa states “I don’t know if I’ll be able to accept Moe as Dr Tad Winslow” with Marge adding “well I’m going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk” as the episode cuts to just that with Moe in a round bed with a character called Cleo (“you brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work.  I’m a doctor and you’re a 5000 year old mummy I brought back to life”, “but I love you Tad and together we can burn all the cities of the earth”.  “Its against hospital regulations damnit and Clive Dancer’s just waiting for me to slip up”).  From here we cut to Moe’s where Homer, Lenny and Carl are walking up to the door (“so Lenny how are things working out with you and that girl next door?”, “ah, its over.  She got a window shade”).  When they open the door they are shocked/surprised to see Moe surrounding by ten ladies including Edna Krabappel, Luann Van Houten, Selma Bouvier, Miss Hoover and Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon (“if you must grope me ladies, please a little softer.  OK, now harder”).  Annoyed by the presence of women in their bar and lack of attention the three of them moan as Moe tells Homer that he is “a little busy” to pour him a beer and that he can do it himself as he states “this isn’t nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem” as the tap comes off in his hand and fires a beer spray into his face, into his mouth which he swallows and soon gets intoxicated with.  Returning to the studio Moe is in his dressing room practising his lines with Homer (“I’ve dedicated my life to diseases of the head hole but the one hole I’ve never been able to fix is the one in my soul”).  Impressed Homer states “that was amazing Moe, I’m actually a little turned on” as Moe declares “hey, I’ve got a gift.  As a child I was bitten by the acting bug.  Then burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.  Now those eggs are hatching and the feeling is indescribable” to which Homer answers “I know the feeling, our dog had that”.  With this there is a knock on the door as a courier arrives with a delivery for the producers, a package with “top secret storylines” printed on the outside.  Sneakily Moe signs for it and promptly rips it open (“might as well have a little peak”).  Inside is a blue bound book stating “It Never Ends Future Plot Lines” which shows Dr Tad Winslow getting back with the evil character Contessa (“the one with the amulet?”) before getting in a skydiving accident and being rushed to the graveyard (“they’re killing off Dr Tad Winslow!”).  Grabbing the book Homer gives a second opinion reading the brief script excerpt and stating “yup, that does sound kind of bad”.  Turning to the mirror Moe declares “if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”.  Cutting back to the show we find Dr Tad Winslow in a Jacuzzi with Contessa as he expresses his new trust for her and she attempts to persuade him into taking a skydiving lesson then just as he offers “how could I say no?” a door bell sounding suspiciously like Homer rings as Moe gets out the Jacuzzi and answers the door where Homer is dressed as a makeshift angel.  In a ghostly voice he announces “Dr Winslow I am angel from the future” as in the gallery the producer checks the script while the director snaps “what the fudge?” which is bleeped out.  He asks the producer “shall I cut him off?” as she says “no, lets see where this is going”.  With that the revised version of the episode plays out with Homer as the “Angel Of The Future” predicting Dr Tad Winslow’s death in a skydiving accident along with other predictions (future plots).  Back home Bart gripes “what’s dad doing on the show?” with Marge responding “who cares, he’s dishing the dirt” as she writes “sexy results” on her pad.  As Homer continues to reveal plotlines in the gallery the producer is pulling her hair out stating “he just gave away a year’s worth of storylines.  Cut him off….now”.  Having now wrecked the show Moe and Homer laugh and high five as the producer stomps out and grabs Moe asking “what the hell are you doing?”  Jubilantly Moe replies “stickin’ it to ya for killing of my character” pointing at the future plot lines book further cheering and high-fiving Homer.  At this point the producer states “you idiot, Dr Winslow was only going to die in a dream” adding “pink pages always mean a dream”.  Aghast Moe says “I thought dreams was on golden rod” which it turns out is for coma fantasies.  Now with that point out Moe asks “so what time tomorrow?” to which the producer naturally laughs calling for security to escort the pair of them out….now.  Angered Moe shrugs off his security guard declaring “I don’t need your stinkin’ show anyway, with a mug like this I can get on any soap in Springfield before stepping through a door attached to a stage wall which topples on and flattens his head (his face) amazingly avoiding the rest of his body (“my face, I’m not supposed to put any weight on it”).  With this two stagehands lift the wall as Moe emerges to the gasps of the studio crew and the reality that his face has returned to how it used to look.  We return to Moe’s where inside Homer is apologising for Moe’s face as with an air of acceptance he states “nah, its just as well.  That handsome face was nice but it was too much maintenance.  I had to wash it, rub it with neatsfoot oil.  You did me a favour Homer.  And to think I just about to sell the bar to Hooters” prompting a “doh!”  With that Moe states “well I guess that wraps it up.  There’s one thing I just don’t get though: when my face was crushed, why’d it go back to my old face.  I mean, shouldn’t it have turned to some kind of third face that was different?  Don’t make no…..”

IS IT ANY GOOD:

It’s OK, its subtle but not amazing or laugh out loud funny.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

So many lessons to be learned.  The main issue is the one of appearance and how much it affects and influences your life both positively and negatively.  For a long time Moe has suffered due to his looks and seldom experienced love which has seen him remain nasty and negative all throughout the series.  The game is rigged.  He was not supposed to win the bartender contest, Titania was supposed to after sleeping with Duffman.  The revelation that the terms such “beauty is only skin deep” and “its what’s inside that counts” are nonsense is not a new one, Moe remains as damaged as ever.  Rather teaching, it just confirms what a superficial world we live in.  Moe is the most tragic character in The Simpsons.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The couch gag contains a shot of the screen housing a Matt Groening signature in the bottom left hand side which Marge promptly wipes off as quickly an animated Groening runs and reinstates the signature.  There is reference to Gilligan’s Island and Planet Of The Apes.  Also the unveiling of Moe after plastic surgery is a classic riff on the Batman movie Joker scene.

BEST LINES:

The Moe mission statement of “well, if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”. Carl saying “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  Homer stating “I know, I’m a character”.

BEST JOKES:

Snake swiftly placing his son on Lisa’s bike and casually rolling it away with the boy shouting “daddy!  I’m stealing!  I’m stealing!”  The manner in which Homer nonchalantly loses interest in torching the studio set.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

As the items she grabs before leaving the house Lisa grabs her saxophone, Snowball II and her school trophy for attendance, Bart grabs Santa’s Little Helper and Marge grabs Maggie and the hoover.  Duff Days beer festival comes with the tag “A Lost Weekend For The Whole Family!”  Duff is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling clear mountain goat (according to Titania).  Channel 6 has a hit soap called It Never Ends which has the tagline “like the cleaning of a house….”  The show stars Gabriella Defarge as Gabriella St Farge, Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide and Moe Szyslak as Dr Tad Winslow.  Other characters include Cleo a 5000 year old mummy brought back to life, Clive Dancer, the evil Contessa and Professor Galloway who has a half sister.  Future plots for the show include Gabriella’s baby shower being invaded by terrorists with sexy results, Sister Bernadette leaving the convent and starting a softball team with sexy results and Professor Galloway’s half sister is plotting to take over international perfume and wine.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

There is actually a lot of tangible touches subtly placed within this episode for me.  Its very sad but over the years I have found myself associating with Moe’s plight on a very real level.  Not being the best looking person in the world, I have suffered similar prejudice due to my appearance as displayed here, not least from females.  His forced smile only making him look more deranged is an aspect to my being I have spent many years trying to stunt.

MVP:

Moe deservedly gets it for offering/delivering many philosophical thoughts and life lessons.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

None.

SONGS:

Duffman continuing/persisting in using “Oh Yeah” by Yello as his theme music.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links.

PERCULARITIES:

Moe points out the biggest peculiarity at the end: why upon being crushed did his face return to its former state?  Also such a crush would probably tend to kill a man.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

Dodgeball stops at the gym door.

OTHER:

It has been said that the character of Moe is based on Rich Hall so possibly there maybe some truth in this scenario, at some point 25 years ago Hall may have gone up for an acting job and been turned down based on his looks.

FINAL WORDS:

Overanalysing this episode has depressed me.

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF HOMER

SEASON 5 EPISODE 9 (EPISODE 90)

THIS IS IT:

Here you have Homer facing temptation and questioning his love for Marge which ultimately has never been in question at all.  It begins with Bart painting new parking space lines (“a mere one foot narrower”) in the school car park.  When the inevitable occurs it is Seymour and Edna that get into an argument is to who is poorly parked and too close to the other.  Bart gets his moment.  With this we cut to Miss Krabappel’s classroom where she is running the riot saying how American is a democracy where people are innocent until proven guilt except her classroom is not a democracy.  With a laugh she incriminates Bart saying that for the rest of the year he will be the first student called upon for every question.  And the first question is how to pronounce “photosynthesis” at which point it is revealed that Bart has bad eyesight as he is unable to read the blurred word.  With this revelation Krabappel debates whether poor vision is to blame for his bad academic record as Bart states “you mean it’s not me noggin, its me peepers?” in a Cockney accent.  Meanwhile at the nuclear power plant Homer, Lenny, Carl and another colleague (who it turns out is the Dangerous Emissions Supervisor) play a joke on a work colleague while he moves nuclear rods.  As the prank goes wrong and the area becomes contaminated with radiation they run away from the scene heading to hide at Lenny’s house as they attempt to escape through an emergency exit which actually turns out to be just painted onto the plant wall.  And with that they appear to perish.  The episode then cuts to their unnamed colleague stood in front of Mr Burns saying they had a “miraculous escape” without explaining it before telling him that need a real emergency exit.  Characteristically Burns responds with sarcasm before dispensing of the man by pressing a red button and having him sucked up a tube.  After the deed Burns asks Smithers where the tube goes as he states he doesn’t know “it was here when we moved in” as the scene cuts to India where the employee lands on a table and it encouraged/forced to dance for the six Indian gentleman sat before him.  Now an employee down Smithers states that they will now need a new Dangerous Emissions Supervisor as Burns instructs him to find someone cheap as he states that it has been a very lean year for the company before he and Smithers partake in a money fight.  The first person to be tested for the role is Zutroy a non-English speaking employee who works each day on the promise of earning a shiny penny.  Unfortunately at this point the Department Of Labour storm the company through the ceiling on ropes as Agent Wilson states that Zutroy is an illegal alien.  It is then stated that the plant violates every labour law in the book.  The Department Of Labour even found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in the reactor core.  In defence Burns does say that their plane crashed on his property.  Determined to bring about change the Department Of Labour tell Burns to begin by reversing his sexist employment policies and hire at least one woman.  With resignation Burns says that he will bring in a woman but still stand by his hiring policies at which point a duck in a hard hat called Stewart pulling a cart is ordered to get back to work.  Returning to Bart’s situation we cut to the HMO (Hibbert Moneymaking Organization).  As he asks Marge whether she has health insurance it transpires that he also has a suction tube similar to Burns as he preps for the possibility of her saying no.  After a visit with the optometrist it turns out that Bart has temporary condition called “lazy eye” as he is given a pair of dorky thick rimmed glasses to wear for two weeks.  At this point the optometrist notices also that his scalp is dry and states that he should see the dermatologist who gives him goo to put into his hair every thirty minutes as we then cross to the foot doctor who gives him heavy shoes followed by the dentist who states that his throat looks red and sprays him in the mouth which causes his voice turn a combination of high and old.  And with that Bart suddenly resembles a cross between Jerry Lewis and an old Jewish man.  Back to the plant where Lenny and Carl worry about the appointment of a woman (“we won’t be able to spit on the floor”, “yeah and we won’t be able to take off our pants when it gets real hot”) as Homer adds concern that “we won’t be able to pee in the drinking fountain” as his admission takes things a little too far.  At this point Smithers turns up to introduce their new co-worker Mindy Simmons (“she has a degree in engineering or something”).  Lenny and Carl are nonchalant in their reception but Homer finds himself transfixed by the redhead as he immediately fantasises about her which involves Lenny and Carl who asks “ain’t you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?”  And with this Homer announces “gotta go” as he tears out of the room in a panic before asking himself “what the hell was that?  I probably shouldn’t have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.”  Returning to school we catch sight of Bart stepping into class wearing glasses and heavy shoes with his hair pasted down as Sherri and Terri are the first people to mock him (“nice glasses four eyes”) before Nelson chips in “yeah nice shoes, er, two feet.”  Even Martin gets stuck in as he comments “your appearance is comical to me” as Bart looks at Milhouse catching his reflection in his glasses gasping “I’m a nerd” to which Milhouse responds “so am I” as he catches his own reflection in Bart’s glasses.  Back to Homer and after a day of work he returns to his car declaring “another day, another box of stolen pens” as he throws today’s gain onto a large pile on the back seat.  At this point Mindy shouts “have a good night Homer” as she speeds off on a motorbike and Homer gets in his car registering “no goosebumps.  No hallucinations.  That last time was just a fluke” and with that he drives home accidentally going in reverse as numerous cars veer off the road to avoid him until he finally winds up crashing into the Trout Hatchery where upon driving into a pool of trout that pop up and sing “Homer loves Mindy” before the cherub versions of Lenny and Carl return to tell him that he is hallucinating again (“not a good sign”).  And with that the first act clearly ends.  We next cut to Homer in the plant kitchen with Lenny and Carl as he cagily asks them what they think of Mindy.  Not responding to their actual answer Homer responds “yeah, that Mindy seems real nice”.  Concerned Lenny asks “what’s wrong with you, you’re talking through a coffee break” and Carl adds “yeah, you usually just take the box of doughnuts into the bathroom with you” as again not registering what they say Homer just states “Mindy has a motorcycle”.  Back to school and in an effort to prove to his schoolmates that he is still cool Bart pulls his skateboard from his locker and announces “look everybody, I’m the same person I always once” before his clunky new shoes prevent him for pulling off a stunt causing him to crash into lockers where a pile of books fall on him including a copy of Advanced Calculus which lands over his face.  At this point Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph appear with Jimbo accusing “hey, he’s learning on his own” before Kearney adds “get him”.  And with that a beating ensues.  With this we cut back to Homer who is now in Moe’s Tavern with Barney where he is asking Moe for his advice using the pretend name of Joey Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo at which point he announces that is the worst name he has ever heard as in the background a patron exits crying as it turns out that Barney knows him as he calls for him to come back.  At this point Barney offers Homer the advice “your infatuation is based on a physical attraction.  Talk to the woman and you’ll realise you have nothing in common” as astounded Homer states how the advice is so insightful asking how he came up with it and he responds “it was on one of these bar napkins”.  Returning the nuclear plant pensively Homer engages Mindy in conversation in the staff kitchen while she is eating doughnuts (“lets have a conversation, I think we’ll find we have very little in common”) as initially she responds to his approach with “can’t talk, eating”.  At this point he notices she is eating his favourite variety of doughnut raspberry swirl with a double glaze as she proceeds to drawl Homer style at the concept of double glaze and with this Homer accept that they have one thing in common.  Then playing with reverse psychology Homer states “you know what I hate, drinking beer and watching TV” as Mindy responds how she loves those pursuits (“not me, that’s my idea of heaven”) as plainly the pair of them are soul mates waiting to happen.  As Homer concedes he likes those too Mindy leaves stating “I can see I’m going to love working with you” before adding that she is going to see if she can sneak in a quick nap before lunch.  Now in a confused place Homer declares “foul temptress, I bet she thinks Ziggy’s got too preachy too”.  Moving forward we catch Homer at the end of work sighing with relief how he made it the whole day without seeing Mindy as he presses the button of the elevator only for her to be aboard.  Awkwardness ensues as after Homer screams Mindy clumsily says “I guess we’ll be going down together, I mean getting off together” as equally embarrassed Homer adds “that’s OK, I’ll just push the button for the stimulator, I mean elevator”.  With tension in the air we cut to the inside of Homer’s mind where he is saying “think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts” as he cuts to the vision of Selma and Patty shaving their legs followed by Barney wearing a bikini where as he burps he pops and turns into Mindy wearing the same costume and blowing Homer a kiss.  Now resigned to sexy thoughts Homer snaps back to reality where he catches Mindy also saying “think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts” to herself.  Panicked Homer then presses the emergency stop button announcing “well, this is my floor” as he exits the elevator falling down one of the reactor towers yelling “see you tomorrow” on the way down.  From here he returns home where Marge greets him at the door all stuffed up and full of flu as Bart then plods over in his heavy shows and glasses as Homer pats him on the head only to earn himself a hand full of goo.  Then Lisa arrives with dinner announcing “I made fish sticks.  They’re burnt on the outside but they’re frozen on the inside so it balances out”.  Then Grandpa runs past chasing Santa’s Little Helper complaining “that racoon stole my lambchop”.  What kind of madhouse has Homer returned to?  In an effort to remain faithful and a good husband Homer says to Marge “let have a little quality time together, just you and me” as Marge shows him a t-shirt from a new place at the mall that puts photos on them.  She got a discount because her image was smeared in a manner that frightens Homer at which point he reverts back to the TV where on Eye On Springfield tonight Kent Brockman is looking at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush and Clinton.  Spooked by this selection Homer proceeds to channel hopping for something different as all shows appear to concentrate on procreation and affairs as finally a sexy ad stating Just Do It freaks him out to the point of screaming and leaving the room much to the confusion of Marge.  The Just Do It message turns out to relate to examining your scalp for ringworm as it is from the National Ringworm Association (The Other N.R.A.).  Now feeling the pressure Homer goes to a phone box to call a Marital Stress Hotline.  Unhelpfully on the other end is Ned Flanders who immediately recognises Homer and in reckless but well intentioned measure suggests a conference call with Marge as Homer yet again screams and hangs up.  In his panic to leave the phone box he bangs into the side toppling the box and knocking himself out.  At this point another hallucination appears as his guardian angel taking the appearance of Sir Isaac Newton (“somebody you’d recognise”) offers to give him advice.  Homer responds blankly asking “Sir Isaac who?”  At this point his guardian angel resigns himself to a much more lowbrow, pop culture icon as Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.  More concerned with the past than his current predicament Homer asks Klink “did you ever get my letters?”  He then further annoys Klink asking “did you know Hogan had tunnels hidden all over your camp?”  Returning to the real agenda Klink proceeds to show Homer in an out of body experience how horrible life would be if he married Mindy instead of Marge.  It actually turns out that they would live in a big mansion, play tennis and have a butler called Jeeves as quick survey of who is happy confirms that they are all happy.  Failing to make his point Klink promptly drags Homer to where Marge now lives: The White House in Washington DC where she is the president with an approval rate that is soaring.  And having felt failure Klink declares “this dream is over” as Homer falls back into his body in the phone booth where Lionel Hutz promptly turns up and tells him to get out of his office.  Back at school Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph have now been joined by Nelson and a couple of other kids (including a bumpkin adding “you’re goofy looking”) in bullying/tormenting Bart.  Then finally Bart breaks free and runs for safety at which point a mysterious arm reaches out of locker and pulls him in.  It turns out to be Martin as he lights a candle and leads Bart through a secret passage to a room where geeks and nerds habitat safely as he asks “what is this place?” as an Asian kid responds “the refuge of the damned” as Martin adds “a place where we can work on our extra credit assignments without fear of reprisal”.  Now accepted into the club another nerd greets Bart as he calls for Oliver to bring him a hard boiled egg and some prune juice.  With this Martin declares “finally Bart is one of us” as they all yell “excelsior!”  Now seemingly with his mind made up Homer scrubs himself up spraying on deodorant while singing “Oh Mandy” with the words “Oh Mindy” instead before completely butchering the words.  Then as Homer closes the bathroom cabinet he spots Lisa stood behind who asks “dad, why are you singing?”  With this he brain kicks into action with “tell a lie, tell a lie” as his mouth says “because I have a small role in a Broadway musical, its not much but it’s a start” and his brain responds with “bravo” and applause.  Naturally not believing the lie Lisa asks clearly “are you hiding something from me?” as Homer responds “like what?” as Lisa ever the observant states “judging from your song you’re infatuated with a woman named Mindy.  Or a man named Andy”.  Once again panicked Homer hops pointing “Lisa look behind you?” as she states “I’m not going to fall for that” but as he persists with a rapid response (“no Lisa I swear…..”) she gives a quick glimpse offering him opportunity to run off saying “sucker” as he exits.  Back at the plant Homer walks with a prepared speech of “Mindy because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now” written on his hand.  Meanwhile Lenny passes in the opposite direction having his own speech on his hand “Max, what I did I did because of alcohol and anger” as passing him another employee with a giant hand has his own message of “I’m tired of these jokes about my giant hand.  The first such incident occurred in 1956 when…..”  At this point Mindy arrives and says hi to Homer as he accidentally smudges the messages and promptly forgets what he has to say to her stating “I’m sweating like Roger Ebert”.  Now while Homer is trying to give Mindy his message Mr Burns and Smithers are watching the pair of them on CCTV as Burns comments “look at those two inseparable chums Smithers, that’s exactly the teamwork we would like to showcase at this year’s energy convention”.  With this Smithers asks him if he is sure at which point Burns states “no one else seems to share the same spirit camaraderie” as the camera pans across various other CCTV feeds featuring employees fighting each other with chairs, holding each other by the throat and even Stewart the duck is pecking at a fellow employee’s eye as he lay passed out on the floor.  From here we cut to Burns telling Simpsons and Simmons that they have been chose to represent the plant at the National Energy Convention and how they will be spending two nights together in “glamorous” Capital City (“the Windy Apple”).  Mindy is excited by the news but Homer further stresses saying that “this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced” before calling out for Colonel Klink (“Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?”).  At this point his guardian angel in the form of Colonel Klink reappears asking “what is it?  Do you have a question?” as Homer laughs “did you know Kinch had a radio in the coffee pot?”  This does not exactly help things.  The second act ends.  We cut back to the Capital City Plaza Hotel where the sign outside boasts of being “Legionnaires’ disease free since 1990”.  Inside the bellboy shows Homer to room 61 which has a king size bed which he insinuates is for sex using various animal noises and expressions to represent the act.  In response Homer snaps “stop that, I love my wife and family.  All I’m going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating and maybe building a little fort”.  With this he steps into the bathroom and gasps for joy at the complimentary mouthwash, complimentary shampoo and the free shower curtain as from the next room Mindy reacts in exactly the same way.  Hearing each other they discover their rooms are open to each other as she states “if it weren’t for this wall we’d be sleeping in the same bed” before whispering “Homer, I’ve got a really wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble” to which he responds “Mindy, we got to fight our temptation” as she insists “no Homer, lets do it, lets call room service!”  At this point back at the power plant a red warning light marked Room Service Alert flashes as Smithers reports the act to Burns who promptly orders four flying monkeys to fly and find the culprits (“fly my pretties, fly!”).  Unfortunately, despite their wings, monkeys can’t really fly as they tumble to the ground into traffic as Burns resigns “continue the research.”  Back at the hotel Homer and Mindy sit on the king size bed surrounded by empty plates as Homer scoffs pizza and Mindy eats a hotdog declaring “I can’t believe we ordered so much” as Homer declares “something’s missing” before noticing that one of the turkeys fell behind the bed.  With this they both notice the foot long chilli dog sat in the middle of the bed as they both drawl and go for it eating from each end and inevitably winding up kissing Lady And The Tramp style at which point Homers bloated gut expands causing his shirt to burst open and expose the t-shirt of Marge’s distorted face on it (nice call-back).  In his head he can hear her sigh of disapproval as he runs out the room screaming “it’s a sign”.  However it just turns out to be the bell boy polishing the corridor floor.  Meanwhile returning to Bart as he sits alone and dejected in his room wearing his glasses and heavy shoes he is joined by Marge who steps into the room announcing “good news honey, two weeks are up you don’t have to wear your glasses anymore and your scalp and posture seem fine” at which point Bart yells “yes!” as he kicks off his shoes straight out of his window and through his neighbours window where Ned Flanders is sat reading a newspaper while Rod and Todd lay on the floor playing a board game.  Soughting explanation Ned asks “kids, did anyone pray for giant shoes?” at which point Rod puts up his hand and says “I did”.  Returning to school we join Nelson, Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph in conference discussing how they have been working Bart over (“we’ve been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart.  Today, lets pound his kidneys”).  Then as Bart returns humming victoriously, Nelson is shocked by his change in appearance.  Now feeling confident again Bart approaches the group saying “gentleman the nerd you knew is dead.  Beat me and you will be beating one of your own” to which Nelson responds “whatever” as they proceed to wail on him once again.  Back to Capital City and outside the National Energy Convention at the Capital City Convention Center there is irony in the fact that the welcome sign is failing to power as it flickers above the street.  Inside there are many displays for sources such as Cold Fusion, Oil Power, What About Wind?, Coal And Water and Solar Energy (“Cheap, Clean Hope For Tomorrow”).  The Solar Energy stall is manned by Hans Moleman who we see speaking to a sharp tongued shaded businessman with a gangster demeanour who asks whether solar energy works as Moleman responds “certainly does” at which point he snaps “well lots of luck” as he knocks him out with a karate chop and clicks his fingers for various goons to “clean up” the display and turn it into a Fossil Fuel stall (“Use Us And Nobody Gets Hurt”).  With this we catch up with Homer and Mindy manning the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant (“As Seen On 60 Minutes”) stall as they have to deal with a heckler shouting “thanks for poisoning the planet bastard” to which Mindy responds “get bent” as another passing heckler shouts “no more Chernobyls” as Homer shouts back “go to hell” before throwing a brick at him which we hear is a direct hit.  At this point Homer confides in Mindy about being worried about attending the convention with her but “as long as we’re not alone together….” at which point the convention public address butts in and announces “and now the moment you’ve been waiting for: this year’s king and queen of energy are Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons” for which they win a romantic dinner alone at Madame Chao’s, the sexiest Chinese restaurant in Capital City.  Sat concerned in his crown Homer enquires “is there any way to get out of this?”  “No!”  From here we cut to the evening and Madame Chao’s where Homer and Mindy have a nice meal which she describes as “what a perfect evening” adding “it sure was nice of them to make us cheeseburgers”.  Hesitant to agree Homer reaches for his fortune cookie which reads: “you will find happiness with a new love” prompting the response “even the Chinese are against me” as he concedes “what’s the point, I can’t fight fate”.  Meanwhile in the kitchen a waiter notices that they have just run out of “you will find happiness with a new love” fortune cookies and will now have to start using the barrel of “stick with your wife” cookies.  Upon returning to their hotel Homer opens the room to his room in resignation of Mindy wanting to join him.  At this point they sit together on his bed as Mindy says “this was a really nice night” while Homer mopes then cries.  Naturally Mindy enquires what’s wrong as he responds “oh yeah, like you don’t know.  We’re going to have sex”.  Seemingly disappointed and confused Mindy responds “well, we don’t have to” as Homer insists “yes we do, the cookie told me so” as in an understanding tone she states “desserts aren’t always right”.  Now with the mood killed Mindy says “Homer you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to” as he continues to hesitate stating “maybe I want to but then I think about Marge and the kids.  Well not the boy, he drives me nuts, sometimes I’d just like to…” as he makes a strangling gesture.  And then with one final throw of the dice Mindy says “you know how I feel, so its up to you, look in your heart I think you’ll see what you want” and they kiss.  With this the background music steps up a groove as we return to the exterior then interior of the Capital City Plaza Hotel where it is now Homer and Marge sharing the room and a moment as she states that “this was a wonderful idea Homie” as they discover another turkey behind the bed.  From here the lights go off as Homer once more changes the words to “Oh Mandy” this time to “Oh Margy” and “you came and you found me a turkey, on my vacation away from worky”.  At this point so as not to get too sentimental the bellboy returns whistling and making sex noises, much to Homer’s chagrin who we hear punches him.  The end.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

Yeah, it’s a pretty sweet and solid episode.  Homer is funny and full of heart as is Michelle Pfeiffer as Mindy.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

It confirms that old adage “never shit where you eat”.  The whole Bart appearance caper confirms that indeed it is not what’s inside that counts.  And that fortune cookies are mass produced and not the source of solid knowledge or fortune.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The couch gag is them sat on the set of David Letterman.  Homer’s guardian angel initially takes the form of Sir Isaac Newton before changing into the form of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes as somebody Homer actually recognises.  Then there is the whole Barry Manilow songfest.  And the opening credits blackboard is a reference to The Shining.

BEST LINES:

“You mean it ain’t me noggin, its me peepers?”

BEST JOKES:

It is the reaction of Homer’s brain of saying “bravo” and clapping when he lies to Lisa about having a small part in a Broadway play when he has to explain why he is singing “Oh Mindy” in the bathroom.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

Dr Hibbert’s HMO is short for Hibbert Moneymaking Organization.  The National Ringworm Association is “the other N.R.A.”  The telephone number for the Marital Stress Hotline is KL5-1680.  Capital City is known as “the Windy Apple”.  The sexiest restaurant in Capital City is Madame Chao’s.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Yes, this is very painful.  Years after Homer met a Mindy, I met a Mindy.  However the Mindy I knew was nowhere near as enthusiastic as the Mindy Homer knew.  What the real kicker was however was how on the day of her wedding to the guy she met after me Sky actually broadcast this episode of The Simpsons.  So not only was I being haunted by one Mindy, suddenly The Simpsons was reiterating its existence.  Such scars.

MVP:

Homer is a sweetheart.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

Michelle Pfeiffer as the aforementioned Mindy.  Werner Klemperer appears resuming his role of Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes very much a reference for our parents’ generation.  This turned out to be his final television work.

SONGS:

Homer butchers and bastardises “Mandy” by Barry Manilow changing the title to “Oh Mindy” before changing lines to incomprehensible nonsense.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links.  Obviously its neither the first or last visit to Capital City.

PERCULARITIES:

After this episode Mindy Simmons is never seen or heard of ever again.  Did Burns sack her for ordering room service?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

OTHER:

No Ralph in this episode.

FINAL WORDS:

Just more weight to the theory that Marge is the ideal woman.