SEASON 7 EPISODE 12
(EPISODE 140)
THIS IS IT:
The episode about team
work and bonding and how a competitive past time can go awry. In other words: ten pin bowling. It begins at The Android’s Dungeon &
Baseball Card Shop where Bart and Milhouse are browsing as the latest Mad Magazine Special Edition hitting the
racks causes great excitement with Milhouse commenting “they’re really sticking
it to that Spiro Agnew
guy again. He must work there or
something”. They proceed to do the
fold-in at which point Comic Store Guy tells them angrily “you fold it, you
bought it”. Back home Homer reads the
magazine with Bart discovering the t-shirt transfers as Marge becomes concerned
that “those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter”. Next we see Homer at Moe’s where he is the
only person in the bar as Moe comments how “business stinks tonight” wondering
where Barney, Lenny and Carl are. Homer
comments “they never come around anymore now that they’ve got their
mistresses”. With this Moe concedes
“might as well close the dump” just as outside Mayor Quimby is leading a large
group of gentleman to the bar stating “I am a going to drink you under the
table”. Stretching his arms out Homer
states its getting late and he had better get home at which point he
desperately lurches at the bar asking “there’s gotta be some other place we can
go. Think Moe, think”. The episode cuts to a bowling alley where it
is League Night. As Homer and Moe ask
about playing the teenager at the desk comments “sorry its league night, I
couldn’t give a lane to my own mother” as she passes commenting “I have no
son”. Discouraged they exit with Moe
ranting “man you go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to
resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face.
And for what? For some pimply
little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team. Well I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. Not that fancy store bought dirt, that’s
loaded with nutrients. I can’t compete
with that stuff”. At this point Apu
steps up equally frustrated about being unable to play (“that I cannot bowl
reeks with my self esteem as well”).
With this Homer gets up and says “I’m tired of being a wannabe league
bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!” And
with that Homer declares them a team as the alley assistant informs them that
they are short one person. Soughting
solution Homer points at Otto playing a crane arcade game stating “that
long-haired freak’s bowled with us for years”.
The truth is that Otto is more focused on the machine stating “I don’t
care if it takes me all night, I’m gonna get me that lobster harmonica”. Now convinced that they are a team the
assistant states that hey now just needs the $500 registration fee. Of course they don’t have this kind of money
as Homer reacts in horror before asking the assistant if he will accept an “out
of state, co-party bank cheque”. With
this we cut to Marge and Homer in bed where she is telling him “no I will not
pay you $500 for sex”. His persuasion
continues to fail as he states “oh come on Marge. You’re getting something in return and I’m
getting a bowling team. Its win
win”. Eventually the reality dawns that
Marge does not have $500 to spend on sex so she suggests that Homer find
someone with money to sponsor his team such as Mr Burns. From here we cut to Mrs Krabappel’s class
where she is setting a homework assignment as Bart announces how hot it is the
room before saying “I better take off my sweater” to expose his t-shirt
displaying the Mad
Magazine transfer of “Down with homework”.
As the class explodes in laughter Mrs Krabappel attempts to cover its
message as Milhouse comments “the shirt makes a good point” and Nelson adds
“I’m with the shirt, homework rots”. And
with that the classroom riots throwing books out windows, banging the
blackboard erasers together, Ralph eats paste and the teacher’s desk is set on
fire. In a bad stroke of luck this is
the exact moment Principal Skinner steps round the corner with Superintendent
Chalmers in the process/middle of his yearly evaluation. As the evaluation comes to an end Chalmers
says he is most impressed and proceeds to give it a perfect 10 as he writes the
grade down beginning with the zero first.
Unfortunately before he has opportunity to complete writing the score a
stampede of children comes running through the hall chanting “down with
homework”. As he passes Skinner spots
Bart pulling him from the crowd and gasping at the message on his t-shirt. In the principals office Skinner looks at the
offending shirt and says “so we meet again Mad Magazine”. With this Bart asks how he knows it was from
Mad as Skinner looks out the window and launches into a war story: “the year
was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming
Mekong Delta. An overheated private removed his flak jacket
to reveal a t-shirt sporting an iron on Mad slogan “Up with miniskirts”. We all had a good laugh even though I didn’t
quite understand it. But our momentary
lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp
forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk
and four kinds of rice. I came close to
madness trying to find it here in the states but they just can’t get the spices
right…” at which point Bart cuts in asking “er, my punishment?” Snapping out of his mental flashback Skinner
states that he is going to have to think about it before handing Bart a sofa
cushion to wear home. From here we cut
to Mr Burns groaning as Smithers files his nails. Suffering Burns states that he needs more Ether because he can “still feel
the movement of the Emery board”. As
Smithers attempts to sedate him more he discovers he is fresh out of Ether so
heads off for more as Burns commands him to leave the rag which he promptly
takes a hit of. At this point as
Smithers leaves the office Homer nervously steps in as thanks to the Ether
Burns hallucinates that Homer is the Poppin’ Fresh doughboy. Getting up he states there is something he
has wanted to do to him for years as he pokes Homer in the belly and makes him
giggle. And as Homer continues to giggle
Burns continues to poke accidentally repeatedly poking him in the eye in the
process. Before long Homer calms down
and asks Mr Burns if he would like to sponsor his bowling team for $500 as he
responds by grabbing his belly and stating “well certainly Poppin’ Fresh. I owe my robust physique to your tubes of
triple bleached goo.” Celebrating
appropriately Homer jumps out the office announcing to the hallway “hey
everybody. If you want to ask Burns for
a favour, now’s the time! He’s doped up
or dyin’ or something”. At this point
Hans Moleman sweeping outside the office enters and asks Burns for $17 for a
push broom rebristling. Still
hallucinating Mr Burns states “why its that delightful TV leprechaun. I’m going to get your Lucky Charms” as he reaches for drill
and aims for Hans’ skull as the camera cuts to the hallway as the squishing of
skin, bone and brains is heard as Moleman feebly declares “oh no, my
brains”. The second act begins with
Homer, Moe, Apu and Otto outside Barney’s Bowlarama where they are writing “Pin
Pals” on the back of each other’s plain white t-shirts. The time is 8PM when they enter as Krusty
playing for the Channel 6 Wastelanders comments to his team-mate Kent Brockman
“hey, nice ‘quote’ uniforms ‘end quote’” and Brockman joins in mocking “news
just in. New additions to the worst
dressed list: those guys!” as their other team-mates Bumblebee Man (Pedro) and
Arnie Pie join in with the laughter.
With that Apu reacts “oh forget this, I am far too fragile to withstand
an evening of barbs like that” as Homer reasons “oh c’mon. If we quit now we’ll never know how badly
they’re gonna beat us” as Moe agrees “yeah you’re right, that’s the kinda think
that would haunt ya”. The next thing we
see is Bumblebee Man scoring a strike and goading “Buenas noches senoritas” as
Moe reacts “what did he say? What did he
say? Was that about me?” The game finally comes down to Otto needing
to bowl a spare at which point Moe decrees defeat as Homer steers morale by
getting them to support and chant “you can do it Otto! Help each other out! That will be our motto!” And as the chant builds Apu adds the verse
“make this spare, I’ll give you free Jellotto” followed by Moe stating “then
make to my place, where I’ll get you blotto” as Homer closes “domo erogoto, Mr
rebotto”. Then with the war chant still
going Otto calmly steps up “guys, I made the spare. We won” at which point the Pin Pals celebrate
spraying the beers over each other as in the background the Channel 6
Wastelanders exit with scowls. At this
point Barney Sr approaches the Pin Pals stating “those beers are $5 a piece” as
they carefully rinse their shirts and out pouring the beer back into the
bottles, recapping them and returning them.
Back at the Simpson house Homer is in bed with Marge telling her about
the victory and how it came down to him, he was the one that came up with the
chant that won the matching encouraging the 7 10 split shot. With this Marge asks who knocked down the
pins as Homer concedes “some guy, Otto I guess” as she responds “good for
him”. Frustrated be her reaction Homer
explains “its not the individual that matters, it was a team effort and I was
the one who came up with the whole team idea.
Me!” Still failing to resonate
with Marge she says “I can’t believe Otto picked up a 7 10 split. He’s phenomenal”. The following day the episode returns to school where
Skinner is holding an assembly announcing “several days ago a violent riot
erupted incited by an inflammatory t-shirt slogan” at which point the school
kids start murmuring trying to recall the slogan prompting Skinner to continue
“no, no, now don’t try to remember what that slogan was. To ensure this frenzied dance of destruction
is never repeated I’ve decided starting Monday all students will be required to
wear uniforms”. With this the entire
hall gasps “uniforms!?” as paper balls and a shoe are thrown at Bart who is to
blame. From here Skinner puts on a
record of Spanish Flea
while Lunch Lady Doris introduces Martin and Lisa modelling the uniforms: “say
hello to our little genius Martin who looks even smarter in this vest and short
pant combination from Mr Boy of Main Street Selma 1 in 44 billion, in other words a perfect
match. Upon discovery Burns declares
“lets shut down this bowling scam right now”.
The episode cuts back to Barney’s Bowlarama where The Homewreckers
featuring Mindy Simmons, Princess Kashmir, Lurleen Lumpkin and Jacques are
going down to the Pin Pals where Homer is bowling to the chant of “come on
Homer, come on Homer, pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer”. He gets the strike and wins them the game and
as the defeated Homewreckers exit Princess Kashmir pushes Jacques. As the Pin Pals bask in victory Burns and
Smithers arrive with Burns stating “look at them Smithers, enjoying their
embezzlement” as Smithers states “I have a much uglier word for it sir:
misappropriation”. As the pair of them
approach Smithers yells “Simpson” prompting Homer to nervously toss a bowling
over his shoulder prompting a bone crack and scream in the background. And just as Burns looks as if he is about to
punish Homer he drops his voice and states “I want to join your team”. Homer and Smithers respond in shock as Burns
states “I’ve had one of my unpredictable changes of heart. Seeing these fine young athletes revelling in
the humiliation of a vanquished foe, I haven’t felt this energised since my
last, er, bowling”. With this Otto
states “oh man, he’ll blow our winning streak” as Moe adds “call this an unfair
generalisation if you must but old people are no good at everything”. Now placed in an awkward situation Homer
states “no look boys its not that simple the guy’s my boss. Tell you what, I’ll give him a shot and if he
stinks it’ll be easier to tell him no”.
The try out is tough as Burns pushes the bowling ball as if it were a
boulder. He soon gets out of breath
attempting to push it as he collapses on top of it and his tongue slips out as
ever the supporter Smithers runs up to the pins and kicks them over to give him
a kind of strike. Then as Burns turns to
look for the team’s opinion Homer declares “welcome aboard!” Back at Springfield Elementary the kids in
their uniform are trudging around obeying the bell in paralyzed group fashion,
their collective will is broken as Skinner states “ah, these uniforms are a
godsend. Horseplay’s down 40%, youthful
exuberance has been cut in half, high spirits are at an all-time low” as Lunch
Lady Doris adds “they’ve even begun blinking in unison”. In Mrs Krabappel’s class she announces now
that they are in quiet time she is going to make sure her desk is exactly parallel
to the wall as she bends over and makes her behind vulnerable for a shot of
some kind. With this Bart picks up his
slingshot having forgotten what to use it for (“oh there’s something I used to
do in this situation but can’t remember”).
Even Nelson has forgotten to laugh as he goes “Ha! Ho?” Back at the bowling alley Otto is now out the
Pin Pals having returned to the claw arcade machine stating “I can’t believe I
got booted off the team for Mr Businessman.
I bet I get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma” which he
promptly goes after in the machine.
Meanwhile on the lanes Mr Burns is playing for the Pin Pals guttering
his bowl as Moe angrily informs Homer “that’s the third game in a row he’s cost
us” as they lose to The Stereotypes consisting of Luigi Risotto, Groundskeeper
Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McCallister who all fire off their
stereotypical trademark catchphrases in victory. At this point Apu curses “they begged me to
join their team”. After the game the
four team members each have a beer as beneath Moe and Apu boot Homer beneath
the table prodding him that he needs to fire Mr Burns from the team. Oblivious to this Burns states “we certainly
got walloped tonight didn’t we fellas”.
With this in mind Homer informs Burns that “next week is the big
championship game” as Burns fails to take the hint laughing it off stating “the
only ship worth giving a damn about is friendship” as he folds a napkin into
the shape of a ship placing it on Homer’s beer (“look here comes the friend
ship sailing your way”). Then as the
paper ship sinks to the bottom of the glass he states “oh let me get that
friend” as it turns out that he learns he loses a fingernail in the drink
(“there’s Leprosy for
you”). Back at Springfield Elementary the
kids now at breaktime remain in a trance bouncing balls and swinging in tandem
while games of It are no longer energetic.
Reviewing the situation Superintendent Chalmers walks through the
schoolyard with Skinner while in the background rain clouds arrive. And with exactly a minute before Chalmers
leaves a storm breaks out which gets the uniforms wet to reveal colours as
Milhouse proclaims “I’m freaking out” and the other kids snap out of their
trance and run riot. Angered Chalmers
asks why the uniforms aren’t colourfast as confused Skinner states “I don’t
know, I got them at the same place I get all mother’s dresses. Oh my god, mothers in the park” as he goes
running off and Chalmers gleefully states “now this I gotta see”. That night back at the Simpson house Homer is
moaning to Marge “we were so close to winning the championship. Now thanks to Burns its never going to
happen. And I spent so much time
building that trophy case” as the camera cuts to a crappy wooden contraption
with an Oscar in it stating Best Supporting
Actor Don Ameche with the
name scratched out and replaced by Homer Simpson. Trying to help Marge offers “maybe Mr Burns
will bowl a great game and you will win your championship” at which point Homer
turns it into emotional blackmail asking “so you’re saying we’re definitely
going to win” as he lets off one of his “woo-hoos!” before declaring “I won’t
need this anymore” flushing the Don
Ameche Oscar down
the toilet where it gets stuck and he is next heard to say “Marge, someone broke
the toilet”. Onto the championship game
where Homer, Moe and Apu are all warming up as the Holy Rollers arrive wearing
monk/druid outfits as tracksuits. They
mean business as Moe states “don’t worry about nothing Homer. I have a feeling Mrs Burns is going to have a
little accident that might keep him from bowling with us tonight” as Burns
staggers in held up by Smithers as his left leg has given up (“my old gimpy
knee has gone akimbo again”) at which point a masked Moe jumps out the bathroom
and hits the knee with car wrench actually repairing the knee as Burns declares
“that precision assault popped it back into place. Thank you masked stranger”. Having failed in his effort to get rid of
Burns, Moe snaps at Homer “either Burns goes or Moe goes” as Apu repeats the
sentiments. With this Burns arrives
asking “so who’s ready to kick Christian keyster?” Then as Homer begins sacking Burns from the
team he fails to complete his sentence before Smithers hands him a box of Pin
Pals personalised bowling shirts.
Impressed by this gesture Moe and Apu (“at last I finally have a garment
fine enough to be married in”) are won over.
Burns continues his affection speech “I have always been wealthy but
this is the first time I have felt rich”.
He then asks Homer what he was about to say as he bluntly says “you’re
off the team” which Moe promptly laughs off as a joke (“he’s just ribbing ya
Monty”). Despite the matching uniforms
the championship game is a disaster as while Mr Burns does one bowl the entire
Holy Rollers manage a round of bowls each getting a strike in the process. In response Apu, Moe and Homer all bowl
strikes. Eventually with one bowler left
the Holy Rollers are one pin ahead. And
unfortunately that one bowler is Mr Burns.
Stepping up her gutters his first bowl suggesting “next time I few steps
towards centre don’t you think?” as his team-mates cover their faces in horror
as Homer proclaims “goodbye trophy”.
From here Burns rolls the last ball of the game which teeters on the
gutter. Meanwhile back at the crane game
Otto is still chasing his prize as suddenly the crane has grip on “something
big” which actually turns out to be a base screw attaching one of the legs to
the machine. As Burns’ final ball inevitable
ends up in the gutter it softly knocks two pins which subtly wobble. And at this exact moment Otto yanks the screw
from the machine as one of its legs comes off and it crashes to the ground
spewing all the prizes on the floor including the lobster harmonica. The vibration of the crash causes all the
pins to fall on the bowling lanes as Burns gets a strike and the Pin Pals win
the championship. With this Homer cheers
“we won! We won!” as he, Apu and Moe jump and celebrate as the trophy is handed
to Homer and promptly snatched from him by Mr Burns. As sinister music drops in Burns strokes the
trophy and says “you mean I won”. Apu
promptly says “we were a team sir” as Burns reveals that “I’m afraid I’ve had
one of my trademark changes of heart.
You see teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved
person makes that extra grab for personal glory. Now, I must discard my team-mates much like
the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before he can win
the title”. Hurt by this Homer comments
“I guess some people just never change.
Or they quickly change then quickly change back”. Then in a rare positive moment Moe pipes “you
know what, we don’t need him or his trophy.
We got each other, huh?” At which
point Otto returns and joins in a group hug.
From here we cut to them stood at the gates of Burns’ mansion as Moe,
Apu and Otto chant Homer on as he breaks into Burns’ mansion to retrieve the
trophy. As he does so the alarms sound
and four hounds begin chase as he races to the gates at his team-mates then just
as he jumps on the gate one of the hounds grabs him and drags him back down as
they proceed to tear into him. With this
Otto ends the chant with “I guess no one can” as Moe shouts “run! Before they’re through feeding”. The episode ends with Homer being torn to
shreds by the hounds. Its actually a
pretty dark finale if you think about it.
IS IT ANY GOOD:
The bowling element is
very good but the Bart school uniform portion distracts from it and feels like
a contractual obligation to give Bart airtime.
WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:
Team sports connected
to work are a minefield. Do not
socialise with your boss. Uniforms are
issued as a system of mental control.
EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
Hans Moleman is
mistaken by Mr Burns as the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Mad Magazine makes yet another
appearance. It was obviously an
influence on the writers.
BEST LINES:
Moe ranting “man, you
go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to
punch ‘em in the face. And for
what? For some pimply little puke to
treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team.
Well I’m better than dirt. Well,
most kinds of dirt. Not that fancy store
bought dirt, that’s loaded with nutrients.
I can’t compete with that stuff”.
Amen Moe. Also Mr Burns’ attitude
towards getting ahead is a lesson for life: “You see teamwork will only take
you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal
glory. Now, I must discard my team-mates
much like the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before
he can win the title”.
BEST JOKES:
Homer struggling to do
the Mad Magazine fold-in and still laughing when he gets the incorrect answer
of “The All Ighty Ollar”. Marge angrily
telling Homer “no I will not pay you $500 for sex”.
PERIPHERAL MOMENT:
The bowling alley is
known as Barney’s Bowlarama and has a coffee shop. Tuesday night is league night at the
lanes. Teams in the league are: Pin Pals
(Homer, Moe, Apu, Otto then Mr Burns), Channel 6 Wastelanders (Krusty the
Clown, Kent Brockman, Arnie Pie, Pedro aka Bumblebee Man), The DMV Regulation
Kings (featuring Selma and Patty Bouvier), Springfield Police Framers (Chief
Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and Snake), The Homewreckers (Mindy Simmons, Lurleen
Lumpkin, Princess Kashmir and Jacques), the Holy Rollers (Ned Flanders, Maude
Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Helen Lovejoy) and the Stereotypes (Luigi
Risotto, Groundskeeper Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McAllister).
REALITY CROSSOVER:
Having played company football I am very aware at how
seriously bosses can take sports. By
getting involved you are taking your own career in your hands. I’m not proud to admit that I once had my boss in a
headlock because he dropped me from the company 5-a-side team in order to play ringers in an important game.
MVP:
Moe gets off some
amazing lines.
GUEST APPEARANCES:
None.
SONGS:
“Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert is used to
back the modelling of the new school uniforms.
EPISODE LINKS:
The Homewreckers
feature Mindy Simmons from The
Last Temptation Of Homer, Princess Kashmir from Homer’s Night out, Lurleen
Lumpkin from Colonel Homer and Jacques from Life On The Fast Lane.
PERCULARITIES/RUBBERBAND
REALITY:
Surely Homer would not
be able to withstand the onslaught of four hounds tearing him to shreds.
BART ON THE
BLACKBOARD:
I am not certified to
remove asbestos.
OTHER:
I’ve always been shit
at bowling, almost as shit as Mr Burns.
FINAL WORDS:
Strike!
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