HOMER’S PHOBIA

SEASON 8 EPISODE 15 (EPISODE 168)

THIS IS IT:

Homer’s Phobia is the episode with John Waters guesting as a local kitsch store owner the whole family befriends except for Homer.  It begins in the Simpsons’ basement where Bart is hosting his own lottery the “Super Barto Jackpot Brine” by placing numbered balls in the family washer dryer.  Things go wrong when a ball gets lodged in the cycle causing it to jam and shake/vibrate out of its fixings as Bart and his friends (including Milhouse and Ralph) run from the basement with flames being shot from the dislodged connection.  The next thing seen is a van from Springfield Gas Company outside the Simpson house driving away having mended the washer leaving a repair bill of $900.  After grimacing at the amount Homer resigns himself to having to “dip into the retirement fund again”.  From here we cut to the address of the Springfield Gas Company which reveals itself to be attached to a large bottle of pennies which Homer is breaking his back on to lift and send off.  Unfortunately Homer barely gets through the front door of his house with the pennies as he accidentally drops the bottle which falls through the ground.  Looking down the hole created Homer yells “hello?  China?”  Returning to Marge the family assemble in the front room as she announces “well, I never thought it would come to this.  I guess we’ll just have to sell Grandma’s civil war doll”.  At this point Lisa asks if she really wants to sell a family heirloom to pay a gas bill.  When asked what her grandma would say about the situation Marge pipes up “I am sure she would be proud about her descendents have piping hot water and plenty of warm dry underwear” to which Homer agrees “that is so true”.  The Simpsons go to Springfield Mall to sell the doll ending up in collectibles store Cockamamies.  Already in the store is Seymour Skinner looking at US Campaign buttons but being discouraged by them being “all partisan.  Don’t you have any neutral ones?  May the better man win?  Let have a good clean election.  That kind of thing?”  The sales assistant points him towards some buttons (“they’re kooky”) at which point disgusted Skinner tells her that she has just lost a sale.  Lisa and Bart are somewhat more impressed as they head over to an actual robot from the movie Clank, Clank, You’re Dead.  Lisa then wonders “think of how awful it would have been for the poor midget inside” as the front opens after they walk off to reveal a small skeleton inside.  Elsewhere in the store Marge finds herself excited by the discovery of a TV Guide, featuring Laverne & Shirley on the cover, which was owned by Jackie Onassis (it still has her address sticker attached to the cover).  At this point the storeowner John appears adding “you should see the crossword puzzle, she thought that Mindy lived with Mark”.  Immediately Homer jumps to her defence “give her a break, her husband was killed!”  With this John asks if he can help as Marge states they have brought something to sell and he responds “please tell me its your hair”.  Upon inspecting the civil war figurine John points out that it is actually a Johnny Reb bottle from the early 1970s, one of the J&R Whiskey Liquor Lads which was purchased for two books of Green Stamps.  Marge responds in denial of it being a liquor bottle as John promptly twists off the top and pours a drink.  Defeated Marge resigns herself to “I guess it will always be a monument to Grandma’s secret drinking problem”.  Angered and annoyed Homer responds “OK so that thing is a hunk of junk but look at what you’re selling”.  John tries to explain the appeal of his items with the colours and graphics stating “its camp!” to which Homer responds blank faced.  John adds “tragically ludicrous?  The ludicrously tragic?”  Finally Homer thinks he has it as he says “oh yeah, like when a clown dies”.  He doesn’t get it.  Still trying John offers further examples of “inflatable furniture, last supper TV trays or even this bowling shirt.  Can you believe somebody gave this to goodwill?”  It is a Pin Pals bowling shirt with Homer inscribed over the chest pocket which prompts a guilty Marge to shrink away before questions are asked.  Slowly understanding Homer asks “and that kind of stuff is worth money?  Man, you should come over to our place, its full of valuable worthless crap”.  And with that John is invited over for 5PM (“the snacking hour” according to Homer).  For his visit Marge makes her patented Happy Cracker Snack Platter.  John loves their house “oh man, you weren’t kiddin’ about this place, well I just love it” as Homer sits on the couch watching bowling having forgotten about his invitation (“do I know you?”).  From here John continues to rummage through their house including the record collection.  With this Homer asks if the records have camp value as John responds “everything does, you yourself are worth a bundle Homer, I could wrap a bow around you and slap on a price tag”.  At this point John puts on a disco record (“I Love The Nightlife” by Alicia Bridges) and encourages Homer to dance as in the kitchen Lisa, Bart and Marge extol his virtues (“and your father has certainly taken the shine to him”) as at the end of the song Homer bumps John with his bum prompting the response “oh Homer, you are the living end”.  Next morning Homer comes down to breakfast declaring “that John is the greatest guy in the world, we’ve got to have him and his wife over for drinks sometime”.  Responding Marge says “I don’t think he’s married Homer” causing him to comment “oh, a swinging bachelor, eh?  Well there’s lots of foxy ladies out there”.  Realising that Homer isn’t clocking that John is gay tactfully Marge asks “didn’t John seem a little festive to you?”  Eventually Marge just has to shout “he prefers the company of men” at Homer as still he doesn’t see it responding “who doesn’t?”  Finally Marge says “listen to me carefully: John is a ho-mo-sexual” prompting Homer to scream.  For some reason Homer is freaked about by this news/information.  He is spooked that he “danced with a gay” forcing Lisa to promise that she won’t tell anyone.  Annoyed by his reaction (“you’re being ridiculous”) Marge informs Homer that John has invited everyone for a drive today.  With this they continue to argue until a car horn playing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” is heard outside.  Wondering what the noise is Homer pops his head out to the front window to reveal John at the wheel of his car with zebra seat covers with him firing a toy ray gun at Homer saying “zap!”  Remaining stubborn Homer refuses to even say hello to John as the rest of the family get in his car.  Also in the car with them is a Santa robot from Japan where it is called “Annual Gift Man” and lives on the moon.  Driving through town John gives the family a tour of all the notorious spots (“and there was where Kent Brockman was caught cheating in the Springfield Marathon”).  He takes them to the Sha-Boom Ka-Boom! atomic café.  Inside Bart thanks John for the “killer tour” as Lisa adds “I never realised how many celebrities humiliated themselves right in our own backyard”.  At this point Smithers walks past and spots John who introduces the Simpsons to him as he responds “so this is your sick mother?”  Marge returns home laughing as Homer enquires “what happened?  He didn’t give you gay did he?”  Angered Marge snaps “you don’t even know what you’re worried about anymore.  John’s a witty, urbane person” prompting Homer state “oh and I’m not?”  At this point Bart comes running up saying “hey dad, look what I got” as he points a ray gun at him and says “zap!” just like John earlier.  Later Homer is on the couch watching TV and drinking a beer as Bart walks past wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  Promptly Homer grabs him asking “where’d you get that shirt?” to which he responds “I dunno, came out of the closet”.  Later at dinner Marge emerges with their favourite dessert: store bought snack cakes as Homer agonises whether Bart selects chocolate or pink frosting.  When he selects the latter (the gay) again Homer freaks out.  During the night Homer is talking in his sleep as Marge enquires “Homey I can hear you chewing on your pillow, what’s wrong?”  With this Homer expresses he concerns at Bart wearing a Hawaiian shirt “there’s only two kinds of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big fat party animals.  And Bart does not look like a big fat party animal to me”.  Ever the voice of reason Marge asks “so if you wore a Hawaiian shirt it wouldn’t be gay?”  With this Homer says “right, thank you!” adding “hope you realise this is all your fault.  I mean, do you have to be so effeminate around the boy?”  Angered Marge responds “I don’t think there is any problem with Bart but if there is its because you don’t spend any time with him”.  Food for thought for Homer.  The next morning when he comes down the stairs it is to the sound of the “Shoop Shoop Song” and the sight of Bart dancing to it wearing a woman’s wig with pink bow.  Promptly Homer rips the wig from his head and switches off the record while in the kitchen Marge and John gossip about Helen Lovejoy (“I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match, if you catch my drift”).  Stepping into the kitchen snaps “you!  I should have known” as Marge says “he’s brought us cactus candy”.  At this point Homer tells John to “stay the hell away from my family” as he pulls the candy away before changing his mind telling him he can have a “teensy piece”.  Cutting through the moment John outright asks Homer “what have you got against the gays?” as he struggles to respond stating “you know, its not usual, if there was a law would be against it”.  As Marge tells Homer he is embarrassing himself he continues to rant “they’re embarrassing me, they’re embarrassing America.  They turned the Navy into a floating joke.  They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian.  Those were the toughest names we had”.  Homer even resents gay people using the word “queer” because “that was our word for making fun of you!  We need it!”  He continues “well I’m taking back our word and I’m taking back our son”.  The next thing we see is Homer and Bart in the car with Homer saying “don’t worry boy, we’re going to set you straight.  By tomorrow morning you’re going to be a regular Burt Reynolds”.  With this Bart asks where he is taking him as Homer assures “just a couple of good old fashioned manly places” before putting his arm around him then worrying that he’s holding there too long.  Eventually to counteract any potential ill effects he shakes his hand.  Their first stop is the middle bank of a Springfield motorway where Homer sits Bart down on a folding chair to sit and stare at a Laramie Slims billboard featuring two attractive ladies enjoying “pure enjoyment” from a pillow fight.  When Homer returns two hours later he asks Bart how he feels as he responds “I dunno.  I kinda want a cigarette”.  Homer considers this a good start as he offers to buy Bart a pack until he requests “anything slim”.  The next stop on his manly tour is the Ajax Steel Mill when Homer introduces Bart to Roscoe who runs the mill.  This plan also backfires when Roscoe gets the mill workers to say “hello” to the Simpsons as it is revealed they too are homosexual.  At this point Bart asks Homer “why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?” as he proclaims it to be a nightmare before yelling “you’re all sick” at the workers as one responds “oh be nice”.  With this a whistle is pulled as Roscoe announces “we work hard, we play hard” as “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C+C Music Factory breaks out and a sign is lowered proclaiming the place now transformed into The Anvil.  Much hard dancing ensues.  From here Homer drags Bart out with his hands over his eyes.  The third act begins with Homer at Moe’s saying how “the entire steel mill was gay” as Moe adds “where you been Homer?  Entire steel industry’s gay.  Aerospace too and the railroads”.  At this point Barney chips in saying that he “always thought Bart would grow up like us”.  Moe reconciles “it ain’t no mystery, whole modern world’s got a swishifying affect on kids today.  And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain’t gonna set them straight either” before pointing the finger at Homer to do the job on Bart (“and you gotta do it fast”).  With this Homer pleads advice as Moe offers that sending a son to war and shooting someone used to make a man “out of ya” but unfortunately these days where are no wars (“thank you Warren Christopher”) so Barney floats the idea of taking Bart hunting to shoot a deer (“that’s like shooting a beautiful man”).  Moe is agreement as the next thing you see is a cut away to the three of them at Springfield Mall emerging from Springfield Hunting Supplies all dressed and tooled up ready to hunt.  At this point Homer hears Marge and Lisa laughing as he spots the whole family in Cockamamies joking with John.  Angered Homer enters the shop saying “stand aside Marge I’m taking the boy deer hunting, he going to grow up straight for once”.  Disputing his idea Marge states “you’ve never went hunting before and you’re perfectly straight” as Homer hits back “oh yeah, how long since you’ve had a baby?”  Then ever the tree hugger Lisa pipes up “but dad its barbaric, how does killing a deer make you more of a man?” to which Homer responds “it just does, name me one gay Indian”.  At this moment John comes around the corner commenting “otto, something’s gonna die”.  Naturally Homer tells him to butt out asking John “what would you know about hunting?” to which he promptly responds “I know this much, I wouldn’t wear that hideous hat” before offering him a safari hunt which was worn by Yale Summers in Daktari.  In refusal Homer snaps “hold onto it toy boy, you might need it when it starts raining naked ladies”.  With this Homer grabs Bart away from playing the Astro Blast arcade machine to drag him hunting with Barney and Moe.  From here we cut to the four of them riding a truck to the forest with Barney telling Bart “today you’re gonna be a man, Bart” as excitedly he thinks/asks that they’re going to teach him to drive which prompts Moe to comment “oh yeah, gonna let Twinkletoes drive Betsy, right”.  Laughing Homer explains to Bart that he can’t drive because he is only 10, instead he’s going hunting at which point Moe asks if he’s ever been hunting before as he responds no stating “there’s something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods, seems kinda gay”.  An awkward pause hangs in the air until Homer scolds Bart stating “that is a very immature attitude young man”.  Now in the woods we see the guys bedding in as Barney opens one of two Duff six packs while Moe reminds that his truck can only hold six carcasses “so don’t shoot nothing but trophy bucks, huh”.  Time passes as dusk arrives without much action and Barney having drunk most of his cans.  Finally they arrive at night as it turns dark and a now drunk Barney comments “we shoulda just stayed at the bar and shot some rats” and Moe pipes “those aren’t your rats Barn” before asking Homer if he is ready to call it quits.  Visibly tired Homer wants to quit but comments “but Bart’s not fixed yet, he hasn’t even…” as Moe points to him fast asleep.  With this they pack up and head home as in the truck while Barney and Bart sleep Moe tells Homer “don’t take it so hard, you’ve still got that other kid, ugh, Lisa.  Let’s take her out hunting tomorrow, make her into a man”.  Homer answers saying “she’d never go, she’s a vegetarian” to which Moe reacts horrified for his friend “oh jeez, Homer, jeez.  You and Marge ain’t cousins, are you?”  Feeling down Homer continues to look down defeated blaming it all on himself stating “this whole thing is my fault, I’ve been a lousy dad”.  Then with an apparent stroke of luck Moe suddenly sees a sign for Santa’s Village where you can “see real live reindeer” as he proclaims “cheer up Homer, Christmas is coming early this year” before driving into Santa’s Village through the front gate even though it states “closed for season”.  Back at the Simpson house Marge and Lisa worry about the whereabouts of Homer and Bart as John asks “did he say where they were going?” to which Lisa responds “no, they were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it”.  Amused John comments “deer? Not around here.  They all migrated north from the state park converted into Astroturf”.  He then comments “the only thing close to deer around here is….” as the episode cuts to a pen of reindeer at Santa’s Village.  With this Moe opens the gate as the four of them creep in and Homer wakes Bart to tell him “your old man found some deer”.  Immediately Bart spots that they are reindeer as Homer hands him a rifle stating “yup, and its your turn son”.  Naturally Bart refuses as Homer commands “be a spot and kill Blitzen, OK”.  Pressured Bart begins to well up as Homer continues “I’m gonna turn my back and when I turn around I wanna see a whole pile of dead reindeer” at which point he, Barney and Moe turn round and put their fingers in their ears.  The sound of gunshot is then heard as Homer tells Bart how proud of him he is as he responds “I didn’t do anything” as suddenly spooked the reindeers are “going nuts like in those nature films” as Barney announces.  In a different take Moe offers “must be mating season”.  With that the reindeer begin approaching the four of them in threatening fashion as they scream and Barney hides in an upturned food trough while Moe does likewise in the water trough.  As Homer picks up Bart he declares “dad, I’m scared” as Homer responds “me too son” as he holds his boy aloft declaring “there’s a time in every fathers life when he must…” just as the reindeer begin butting him across the pen.  Safely held above Bart enquires “dad, are you hurt?” as Homer responds “just my bones and organs”.  As the butting becomes more intense and vision suddenly in the background the sound of a tinny version of “Jingle Bells” can be heard causing the reindeer take attention and back off as a robot Santa Claus (Annual Gift Man) approaches scaring and shepherding the reindeer away.  Now safe Homer declares “it’s a miracle!”  At this point we hear John comment “no, ultra suede is a miracle, this is just good timing” as Homer goes running to Marge as they embrace and she comments “you feel softer than before” as he replies painfully “I’ve been tenderised”.  Bart then asks John “how’d you know that thing would work?” as he explains “well the sound is just brutal and I figured reindeer would naturally be afraid of their cruel master Santa Claus, I mean, wouldn’t you be?”  At this point Barney pops his head from beneath the food trough asking “is it OK to come out now Mr Gay Man?  Sir?” as Moe repeats the question “I’ll do anything you say.  Anything”.  Exiting Santa’s Village Barney grips “oh Moe, we were saved by a sissy” as he adds “yeah, yeah, we’ll never live it down.  Oh boy, it looks like it suicide again for me” before Homer jumps to John’s defence stating “hey, we owe this guy and I don’t want you calling him a sissy.  This guy’s a fruit.  No, wait, wait, a queer, that’s what you liked to be called, right?”  Remaining stoic he responds “well, that or John” as Lisa suggests “this is about as tolerant as dad gets so you should be flattered” to which he responds “great!  Well Homer I won your respect.  And all I had to do was save your life.  No if every gay man could just do the same, you’d be set”.  “Amen to that”.  Driving back in John’s open top car Homer turns round from the front and says “you know Bart maybe its just the concussion talking but anyway you choose to live your life is OK with me”.  Confused Bart turns to Lisa who whispers “he thinks you’re gay”.  With that Bart says puzzled “he thinks I’m gay?” as the strands of C+C Music Factory begin with “everybody dance now” and onscreen the episode is “Dedicated to the steelworkers of America.  Keep reaching for that rainbow!”

IS IT ANY GOOD:

Definitely, anything with John Waters attached will always be good.  Its lefty, upbeat and promotes positive stereotypes.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

Homophobia is based on ignorance, fear and misunderstanding.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The robot from Clank, Clank, You’re Dead is very like Robby The Robot in Forbidden Planet and Lost In Space.  When John first introduces himself to Marge and Homer at his store there is a Pink Flamingo in the background.

BEST LINES:

“Think of the property values, now we can no longer say only straight people have been in this house” – Homer to Marge.  “You know me Marge, I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming!”  “This is a sordid little burg, isn’t it”.  “There’s only two kinds of guys who wear (Hawaiian) shirts: gay guys and big fat party animals.  And Bart does not look like a big fat party animal to me”.  “Hang onto it toy boy, you might need it when it starts raining naked ladies”.

BEST JOKES:

Homer’s many attempts to turn Bart into a man’s man culminating in his theory/observation that it is only gay men and big fat party animals that where Hawaiian shirts.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

The Springfield Gas Company address is: PO Box 2323, Springfield USA.  Shops at the Springfield Mall include One Size Fits All Lingerie, Simply Shoes and of course Cockamamies.  Amongst the items in the store are old campaign buttons, a Krusty cardboard stand up, an old Fudd beer poster, a poster for the movie “Clank, Clank, You’re Dead” and the robot from the film, a Buzz Cola toy zeppelin, a Rex Mar Atomic Discombobulator amongst items.  Homer’s record collection includes albums by The New Christy Minstrels, “Ballads Of The Green Berets” by Sgt Barry Sadler, Loony-Luau and The Wedding Of Lynda Bird Johnson.  In Japan there is a Santa robot known as “Annual Gift Man”.  Kent Brockman was once caught cheating in the Springfield Marathon.  Sha-Boom Ka-Boom! serves Little Boy and Fat Man items for $3.95 and $12.95 respectively.  Astro Blast was a popular coin-op back in the day.  Moe has a truck that he calls Betsy.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

I have shared Marge’s disappointment in discovery that priceless trinkets are not valuable collectibles.

MVP:

John Waters as John.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

John Waters as John the owner of Cockammies collectibles shop.  He took the role after deciding that if the show was good enough for Elizabeth Taylor to be on, it was good enough for him.

SONGS:

“Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C+C Music Factory is an unmistakable anthem.  The disco record John puts on in the Simpson front room is “I Love The Nightlife” by Alicia Bridges.  John’s car horn is “Over The Rainbow” from The Wizard Of Oz.  And finally the robot Santa Claus plays “Jingle Bells” while it operates.

EPISODE LINKS:

John is wearing Homer’s Pin Pals bowling shirt which was his bowling team in the Team Homer episode.

PERCULARITIES/RUBBERBAND REALITY:

After this episode Cockamamies is never mentioned or featured again.  And neither is storeowner John.  What happened to the guy?

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

No blackboard.

OTHER:

I sense Marge’s fondness for Jackie Onassis stems from the pair of them sharing the maiden name Bouvier.

FINAL WORDS:

John Waters is a greatest living American.

TEAM HOMER

SEASON 7 EPISODE 12 (EPISODE 140)

THIS IS IT:

The episode about team work and bonding and how a competitive past time can go awry.  In other words: ten pin bowling.  It begins at The Android’s Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop where Bart and Milhouse are browsing as the latest Mad Magazine Special Edition hitting the racks causes great excitement with Milhouse commenting “they’re really sticking it to that Spiro Agnew guy again.  He must work there or something”.  They proceed to do the fold-in at which point Comic Store Guy tells them angrily “you fold it, you bought it”.  Back home Homer reads the magazine with Bart discovering the t-shirt transfers as Marge becomes concerned that “those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter”.  Next we see Homer at Moe’s where he is the only person in the bar as Moe comments how “business stinks tonight” wondering where Barney, Lenny and Carl are.  Homer comments “they never come around anymore now that they’ve got their mistresses”.  With this Moe concedes “might as well close the dump” just as outside Mayor Quimby is leading a large group of gentleman to the bar stating “I am a going to drink you under the table”.  Stretching his arms out Homer states its getting late and he had better get home at which point he desperately lurches at the bar asking “there’s gotta be some other place we can go.  Think Moe, think”.  The episode cuts to a bowling alley where it is League Night.  As Homer and Moe ask about playing the teenager at the desk comments “sorry its league night, I couldn’t give a lane to my own mother” as she passes commenting “I have no son”.  Discouraged they exit with Moe ranting “man you go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face.  And for what?  For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team.  Well I’m better than dirt.  Well, most kinds of dirt.  Not that fancy store bought dirt, that’s loaded with nutrients.  I can’t compete with that stuff”.  At this point Apu steps up equally frustrated about being unable to play (“that I cannot bowl reeks with my self esteem as well”).  With this Homer gets up and says “I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!”  And with that Homer declares them a team as the alley assistant informs them that they are short one person.  Soughting solution Homer points at Otto playing a crane arcade game stating “that long-haired freak’s bowled with us for years”.  The truth is that Otto is more focused on the machine stating “I don’t care if it takes me all night, I’m gonna get me that lobster harmonica”.  Now convinced that they are a team the assistant states that hey now just needs the $500 registration fee.  Of course they don’t have this kind of money as Homer reacts in horror before asking the assistant if he will accept an “out of state, co-party bank cheque”.  With this we cut to Marge and Homer in bed where she is telling him “no I will not pay you $500 for sex”.  His persuasion continues to fail as he states “oh come on Marge.  You’re getting something in return and I’m getting a bowling team.  Its win win”.  Eventually the reality dawns that Marge does not have $500 to spend on sex so she suggests that Homer find someone with money to sponsor his team such as Mr Burns.  From here we cut to Mrs Krabappel’s class where she is setting a homework assignment as Bart announces how hot it is the room before saying “I better take off my sweater” to expose his t-shirt displaying the Mad Magazine transfer of “Down with homework”.  As the class explodes in laughter Mrs Krabappel attempts to cover its message as Milhouse comments “the shirt makes a good point” and Nelson adds “I’m with the shirt, homework rots”.  And with that the classroom riots throwing books out windows, banging the blackboard erasers together, Ralph eats paste and the teacher’s desk is set on fire.  In a bad stroke of luck this is the exact moment Principal Skinner steps round the corner with Superintendent Chalmers in the process/middle of his yearly evaluation.  As the evaluation comes to an end Chalmers says he is most impressed and proceeds to give it a perfect 10 as he writes the grade down beginning with the zero first.  Unfortunately before he has opportunity to complete writing the score a stampede of children comes running through the hall chanting “down with homework”.  As he passes Skinner spots Bart pulling him from the crowd and gasping at the message on his t-shirt.  In the principals office Skinner looks at the offending shirt and says “so we meet again Mad Magazine”.  With this Bart asks how he knows it was from Mad as Skinner looks out the window and launches into a war story: “the year was 1968.  We were on recon in a steaming Mekong Delta.  An overheated private removed his flak jacket to reveal a t-shirt sporting an iron on Mad slogan “Up with miniskirts”.  We all had a good laugh even though I didn’t quite understand it.  But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us.  I spent the next three years in a POW camp forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk and four kinds of rice.  I came close to madness trying to find it here in the states but they just can’t get the spices right…” at which point Bart cuts in asking “er, my punishment?”  Snapping out of his mental flashback Skinner states that he is going to have to think about it before handing Bart a sofa cushion to wear home.  From here we cut to Mr Burns groaning as Smithers files his nails.  Suffering Burns states that he needs more Ether because he can “still feel the movement of the Emery board”.  As Smithers attempts to sedate him more he discovers he is fresh out of Ether so heads off for more as Burns commands him to leave the rag which he promptly takes a hit of.  At this point as Smithers leaves the office Homer nervously steps in as thanks to the Ether Burns hallucinates that Homer is the Poppin’ Fresh doughboy.  Getting up he states there is something he has wanted to do to him for years as he pokes Homer in the belly and makes him giggle.  And as Homer continues to giggle Burns continues to poke accidentally repeatedly poking him in the eye in the process.  Before long Homer calms down and asks Mr Burns if he would like to sponsor his bowling team for $500 as he responds by grabbing his belly and stating “well certainly Poppin’ Fresh.  I owe my robust physique to your tubes of triple bleached goo.”  Celebrating appropriately Homer jumps out the office announcing to the hallway “hey everybody.  If you want to ask Burns for a favour, now’s the time!  He’s doped up or dyin’ or something”.  At this point Hans Moleman sweeping outside the office enters and asks Burns for $17 for a push broom rebristling.  Still hallucinating Mr Burns states “why its that delightful TV leprechaun.  I’m going to get your Lucky Charms” as he reaches for drill and aims for Hans’ skull as the camera cuts to the hallway as the squishing of skin, bone and brains is heard as Moleman feebly declares “oh no, my brains”.  The second act begins with Homer, Moe, Apu and Otto outside Barney’s Bowlarama where they are writing “Pin Pals” on the back of each other’s plain white t-shirts.  The time is 8PM when they enter as Krusty playing for the Channel 6 Wastelanders comments to his team-mate Kent Brockman “hey, nice ‘quote’ uniforms ‘end quote’” and Brockman joins in mocking “news just in.  New additions to the worst dressed list: those guys!” as their other team-mates Bumblebee Man (Pedro) and Arnie Pie join in with the laughter.  With that Apu reacts “oh forget this, I am far too fragile to withstand an evening of barbs like that” as Homer reasons “oh c’mon.  If we quit now we’ll never know how badly they’re gonna beat us” as Moe agrees “yeah you’re right, that’s the kinda think that would haunt ya”.  The next thing we see is Bumblebee Man scoring a strike and goading “Buenas noches senoritas” as Moe reacts “what did he say?  What did he say?  Was that about me?”  The game finally comes down to Otto needing to bowl a spare at which point Moe decrees defeat as Homer steers morale by getting them to support and chant “you can do it Otto!  Help each other out!  That will be our motto!”  And as the chant builds Apu adds the verse “make this spare, I’ll give you free Jellotto” followed by Moe stating “then make to my place, where I’ll get you blotto” as Homer closes “domo erogoto, Mr rebotto”.  Then with the war chant still going Otto calmly steps up “guys, I made the spare.  We won” at which point the Pin Pals celebrate spraying the beers over each other as in the background the Channel 6 Wastelanders exit with scowls.  At this point Barney Sr approaches the Pin Pals stating “those beers are $5 a piece” as they carefully rinse their shirts and out pouring the beer back into the bottles, recapping them and returning them.  Back at the Simpson house Homer is in bed with Marge telling her about the victory and how it came down to him, he was the one that came up with the chant that won the matching encouraging the 7 10 split shot.  With this Marge asks who knocked down the pins as Homer concedes “some guy, Otto I guess” as she responds “good for him”.  Frustrated be her reaction Homer explains “its not the individual that matters, it was a team effort and I was the one who came up with the whole team idea.  Me!”  Still failing to resonate with Marge she says “I can’t believe Otto picked up a 7 10 split.  He’s phenomenal”.  The following day the episode returns to school where Skinner is holding an assembly announcing “several days ago a violent riot erupted incited by an inflammatory t-shirt slogan” at which point the school kids start murmuring trying to recall the slogan prompting Skinner to continue “no, no, now don’t try to remember what that slogan was.  To ensure this frenzied dance of destruction is never repeated I’ve decided starting Monday all students will be required to wear uniforms”.  With this the entire hall gasps “uniforms!?” as paper balls and a shoe are thrown at Bart who is to blame.  From here Skinner puts on a record of Spanish Flea while Lunch Lady Doris introduces Martin and Lisa modelling the uniforms: “say hello to our little genius Martin who looks even smarter in this vest and short pant combination from Mr Boy of Main Street.”  Speechless Nelson and Milhouse look on dumbfounded as it continues “or how about Lil’ Lisa Simpson.  She’ll have no reason to play the blues in this snappy ensemble topped off with a saucy French beret that seems to scream ‘silence!’”  She too gets hit by a barrage of rolled up paper and a shoe.  At this point Skinner waves in two forklift trucks (one driven by Willie) carrying one box from Mr Boy and one box from Mr Boy For Girls.  “All right now pick your size: extra-small or extra-large.  We’ve got both.  No pushing now”.  And within seconds they have run out of extra-large.  Back the bowling alley the Pin Pals are now playing DMV Regulation Kings who include Selma and Patty among their numbers.  The chanting continues as Homer, Apu and Otto cheer on Moe with “go Moe, go Moe, don’t make Homer go Doh!”  And it indeed works as they win again climbing to third in the league standings behind the Holy Rollers in first and the Springfield Police Framers in second.  Next we see Apu bowling successfully against the Springfield Police Framers who are made up of Chief Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and Snake.  For their next shot they unshackle Snake who takes a long run up of ten steps passing the lane and escaping through a hatch door on the side of the alley.  As a result the Springfield Police Framers have to forfeit as the Pin Pals register their latest victory.  With the championship now in sight they look at the trophy as Apu states they will never win it because “the Holy Rollers have won it five years in a row” at which point they turn and look at the Holy Rollers consisting of Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Helen Lovejoy.  Moe disputes them saying “they think they are so high and mighty just because they never got caught driving without pants”.  Back home Bart and Lisa are now sporting their new school uniforms as Bart complains how his slingshot doesn’t fit in his new outfit’s pocket and that the shorts leave nothing to the imagination.  As he concludes “these uniforms suck!” Marge asks where he picks up words like that as we cut to Homer on the phone saying “that team sure did suck last night.  They just plain sucked.  I’ve seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked”.  With that Marge nags “Homer, what you mouth” as Homer finishes the call “I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening” as Lisa disputes “we are not wieners” as he asks “then what are you dressed like that for?”  In tandem Bart and Lisa respond “they made us!” as Homer mocks responding “that’s loser talk.  You gotta start acting more like me and my team the future league champions of the world.  Nothings gonna stop us now”.  And at this exact point Mr Burns is review his cheques as he shouts “stop everything.  I don’t remember writing a cheque for bowling” which actually turns out to be a cheque for (internal) bowling (“remember the month you didn’t do it?”, “yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned”).  Then he discovers the cheque he wrote to sponsor Homer’s bowling team.  Picking it up Smithers reads the memo as being “to my pal Poppin’ Fresh” (“oh yes that greedy grabbing glob of chemicals”).  Smithers immediately picks that it “was probably one of your Ether induced hallucinations” as he checks the employee computer files to see who can pull off such an impersonation.  There are two matches either: Pops Freshenmeyer or Homer Simpson the second of which carries a probability error of 1 in 44 billion, in other words a perfect match.  Upon discovery Burns declares “lets shut down this bowling scam right now”.  The episode cuts back to Barney’s Bowlarama where The Homewreckers featuring Mindy Simmons, Princess Kashmir, Lurleen Lumpkin and Jacques are going down to the Pin Pals where Homer is bowling to the chant of “come on Homer, come on Homer, pretend this is baseball and hit us a homer”.  He gets the strike and wins them the game and as the defeated Homewreckers exit Princess Kashmir pushes Jacques.  As the Pin Pals bask in victory Burns and Smithers arrive with Burns stating “look at them Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement” as Smithers states “I have a much uglier word for it sir: misappropriation”.  As the pair of them approach Smithers yells “Simpson” prompting Homer to nervously toss a bowling over his shoulder prompting a bone crack and scream in the background.  And just as Burns looks as if he is about to punish Homer he drops his voice and states “I want to join your team”.  Homer and Smithers respond in shock as Burns states “I’ve had one of my unpredictable changes of heart.  Seeing these fine young athletes revelling in the humiliation of a vanquished foe, I haven’t felt this energised since my last, er, bowling”.  With this Otto states “oh man, he’ll blow our winning streak” as Moe adds “call this an unfair generalisation if you must but old people are no good at everything”.  Now placed in an awkward situation Homer states “no look boys its not that simple the guy’s my boss.  Tell you what, I’ll give him a shot and if he stinks it’ll be easier to tell him no”.  The try out is tough as Burns pushes the bowling ball as if it were a boulder.  He soon gets out of breath attempting to push it as he collapses on top of it and his tongue slips out as ever the supporter Smithers runs up to the pins and kicks them over to give him a kind of strike.  Then as Burns turns to look for the team’s opinion Homer declares “welcome aboard!”  Back at Springfield Elementary the kids in their uniform are trudging around obeying the bell in paralyzed group fashion, their collective will is broken as Skinner states “ah, these uniforms are a godsend.  Horseplay’s down 40%, youthful exuberance has been cut in half, high spirits are at an all-time low” as Lunch Lady Doris adds “they’ve even begun blinking in unison”.  In Mrs Krabappel’s class she announces now that they are in quiet time she is going to make sure her desk is exactly parallel to the wall as she bends over and makes her behind vulnerable for a shot of some kind.  With this Bart picks up his slingshot having forgotten what to use it for (“oh there’s something I used to do in this situation but can’t remember”).  Even Nelson has forgotten to laugh as he goes “Ha! Ho?”  Back at the bowling alley Otto is now out the Pin Pals having returned to the claw arcade machine stating “I can’t believe I got booted off the team for Mr Businessman.  I bet I get a little respect once I get that Harvard diploma” which he promptly goes after in the machine.  Meanwhile on the lanes Mr Burns is playing for the Pin Pals guttering his bowl as Moe angrily informs Homer “that’s the third game in a row he’s cost us” as they lose to The Stereotypes consisting of Luigi Risotto, Groundskeeper Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McCallister who all fire off their stereotypical trademark catchphrases in victory.  At this point Apu curses “they begged me to join their team”.  After the game the four team members each have a beer as beneath Moe and Apu boot Homer beneath the table prodding him that he needs to fire Mr Burns from the team.  Oblivious to this Burns states “we certainly got walloped tonight didn’t we fellas”.  With this in mind Homer informs Burns that “next week is the big championship game” as Burns fails to take the hint laughing it off stating “the only ship worth giving a damn about is friendship” as he folds a napkin into the shape of a ship placing it on Homer’s beer (“look here comes the friend ship sailing your way”).  Then as the paper ship sinks to the bottom of the glass he states “oh let me get that friend” as it turns out that he learns he loses a fingernail in the drink (“there’s Leprosy for you”).  Back at Springfield Elementary the kids now at breaktime remain in a trance bouncing balls and swinging in tandem while games of It are no longer energetic.  Reviewing the situation Superintendent Chalmers walks through the schoolyard with Skinner while in the background rain clouds arrive.  And with exactly a minute before Chalmers leaves a storm breaks out which gets the uniforms wet to reveal colours as Milhouse proclaims “I’m freaking out” and the other kids snap out of their trance and run riot.  Angered Chalmers asks why the uniforms aren’t colourfast as confused Skinner states “I don’t know, I got them at the same place I get all mother’s dresses.  Oh my god, mothers in the park” as he goes running off and Chalmers gleefully states “now this I gotta see”.  That night back at the Simpson house Homer is moaning to Marge “we were so close to winning the championship.  Now thanks to Burns its never going to happen.  And I spent so much time building that trophy case” as the camera cuts to a crappy wooden contraption with an Oscar in it stating Best Supporting Actor Don Ameche with the name scratched out and replaced by Homer Simpson.  Trying to help Marge offers “maybe Mr Burns will bowl a great game and you will win your championship” at which point Homer turns it into emotional blackmail asking “so you’re saying we’re definitely going to win” as he lets off one of his “woo-hoos!” before declaring “I won’t need this anymore” flushing the Don Ameche Oscar down the toilet where it gets stuck and he is next heard to say “Marge, someone broke the toilet”.  Onto the championship game where Homer, Moe and Apu are all warming up as the Holy Rollers arrive wearing monk/druid outfits as tracksuits.  They mean business as Moe states “don’t worry about nothing Homer.  I have a feeling Mrs Burns is going to have a little accident that might keep him from bowling with us tonight” as Burns staggers in held up by Smithers as his left leg has given up (“my old gimpy knee has gone akimbo again”) at which point a masked Moe jumps out the bathroom and hits the knee with car wrench actually repairing the knee as Burns declares “that precision assault popped it back into place.  Thank you masked stranger”.  Having failed in his effort to get rid of Burns, Moe snaps at Homer “either Burns goes or Moe goes” as Apu repeats the sentiments.  With this Burns arrives asking “so who’s ready to kick Christian keyster?”  Then as Homer begins sacking Burns from the team he fails to complete his sentence before Smithers hands him a box of Pin Pals personalised bowling shirts.  Impressed by this gesture Moe and Apu (“at last I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in”) are won over.  Burns continues his affection speech “I have always been wealthy but this is the first time I have felt rich”.  He then asks Homer what he was about to say as he bluntly says “you’re off the team” which Moe promptly laughs off as a joke (“he’s just ribbing ya Monty”).  Despite the matching uniforms the championship game is a disaster as while Mr Burns does one bowl the entire Holy Rollers manage a round of bowls each getting a strike in the process.  In response Apu, Moe and Homer all bowl strikes.  Eventually with one bowler left the Holy Rollers are one pin ahead.  And unfortunately that one bowler is Mr Burns.  Stepping up her gutters his first bowl suggesting “next time I few steps towards centre don’t you think?” as his team-mates cover their faces in horror as Homer proclaims “goodbye trophy”.  From here Burns rolls the last ball of the game which teeters on the gutter.  Meanwhile back at the crane game Otto is still chasing his prize as suddenly the crane has grip on “something big” which actually turns out to be a base screw attaching one of the legs to the machine.  As Burns’ final ball inevitable ends up in the gutter it softly knocks two pins which subtly wobble.  And at this exact moment Otto yanks the screw from the machine as one of its legs comes off and it crashes to the ground spewing all the prizes on the floor including the lobster harmonica.  The vibration of the crash causes all the pins to fall on the bowling lanes as Burns gets a strike and the Pin Pals win the championship.  With this Homer cheers “we won! We won!” as he, Apu and Moe jump and celebrate as the trophy is handed to Homer and promptly snatched from him by Mr Burns.  As sinister music drops in Burns strokes the trophy and says “you mean I won”.  Apu promptly says “we were a team sir” as Burns reveals that “I’m afraid I’ve had one of my trademark changes of heart.  You see teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.  Now, I must discard my team-mates much like the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before he can win the title”.  Hurt by this Homer comments “I guess some people just never change.  Or they quickly change then quickly change back”.  Then in a rare positive moment Moe pipes “you know what, we don’t need him or his trophy.  We got each other, huh?”  At which point Otto returns and joins in a group hug.  From here we cut to them stood at the gates of Burns’ mansion as Moe, Apu and Otto chant Homer on as he breaks into Burns’ mansion to retrieve the trophy.  As he does so the alarms sound and four hounds begin chase as he races to the gates at his team-mates then just as he jumps on the gate one of the hounds grabs him and drags him back down as they proceed to tear into him.  With this Otto ends the chant with “I guess no one can” as Moe shouts “run!  Before they’re through feeding”.  The episode ends with Homer being torn to shreds by the hounds.  Its actually a pretty dark finale if you think about it.

IS IT ANY GOOD:

The bowling element is very good but the Bart school uniform portion distracts from it and feels like a contractual obligation to give Bart airtime.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

Team sports connected to work are a minefield.  Do not socialise with your boss.  Uniforms are issued as a system of mental control.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

Hans Moleman is mistaken by Mr Burns as the Lucky Charms leprechaun.  Mad Magazine makes yet another appearance.  It was obviously an influence on the writers.

BEST LINES:

Moe ranting “man, you go through life, try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face.  And for what?  For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team.  Well I’m better than dirt.  Well, most kinds of dirt.  Not that fancy store bought dirt, that’s loaded with nutrients.  I can’t compete with that stuff”.   Amen Moe.  Also Mr Burns’ attitude towards getting ahead is a lesson for life: “You see teamwork will only take you so far, then the truly evolved person makes that extra grab for personal glory.  Now, I must discard my team-mates much like the boxer much shed roll after roll of sweaty disgusting flab before he can win the title”.

BEST JOKES:

Homer struggling to do the Mad Magazine fold-in and still laughing when he gets the incorrect answer of “The All Ighty Ollar”.  Marge angrily telling Homer “no I will not pay you $500 for sex”.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

The bowling alley is known as Barney’s Bowlarama and has a coffee shop.  Tuesday night is league night at the lanes.  Teams in the league are: Pin Pals (Homer, Moe, Apu, Otto then Mr Burns), Channel 6 Wastelanders (Krusty the Clown, Kent Brockman, Arnie Pie, Pedro aka Bumblebee Man), The DMV Regulation Kings (featuring Selma and Patty Bouvier), Springfield Police Framers (Chief Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and Snake), The Homewreckers (Mindy Simmons, Lurleen Lumpkin, Princess Kashmir and Jacques), the Holy Rollers (Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Helen Lovejoy) and the Stereotypes (Luigi Risotto, Groundskeeper Willie, Cletus Spuckler and Captain McAllister).

REALITY CROSSOVER:

Having played company football I am very aware at how seriously bosses can take sports.  By getting involved you are taking your own career in your hands.  I’m not proud to admit that I once had my boss in a headlock because he dropped me from the company 5-a-side team in order to play ringers in an important game.

MVP:

Moe gets off some amazing lines.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

None.

SONGS:

“Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert is used to back the modelling of the new school uniforms.

EPISODE LINKS:

The Homewreckers feature Mindy Simmons from The Last Temptation Of Homer, Princess Kashmir from Homer’s Night out, Lurleen Lumpkin from Colonel Homer and Jacques from Life On The Fast Lane.

PERCULARITIES/RUBBERBAND REALITY:

Surely Homer would not be able to withstand the onslaught of four hounds tearing him to shreds.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

I am not certified to remove asbestos.

OTHER:

I’ve always been shit at bowling, almost as shit as Mr Burns.

FINAL WORDS:

Strike!

PYGMOELIAN

SEASON 11 EPISODE 16 (EPISODE 242)

THIS IS IT:

This is where Moe has an accident and gets plastic surgery at which point he wakes handsome and desired as his life changes.  It begins with an outside shot of the Simpson house and the sound of a smoke alarm ringing as panicked Homer runs through the house shouting “fire” waking his family.  With that they all grab important belongings and run out the house and into the car where Homer is waiting shouting “get in, move it, this is not a drill” but driving off declaring “good work everyone, we’re sure to be first in line for Duff Day”.  Unsurprisingly Marge is angry as she asks “you set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?”  Homer responds laughing “I know, I’m a character” before placing his cassette of beer music into the car stereo to get in the mood.  Already spooked by the apparent fire drill, in the back Bart and Lisa panic further, attempting to exit the car only to discover that the door handles have been removed.  Upon arrival at the festival they let off a sigh of relief at the cassette being turned off only to be faced by an actual oom-pah band.  Entering the festival they are met by Surly (one of the seven Duffs) declaring “Drink Duff!” following by a muffled “responsibly” to meet modern regulation.  At this point a greeter asks which of the group is the designated driver as Marge looks around at Homer attempting to screw the head off Surly and says that she guesses she is.  On that note she is directed to the Duff Designated Drivers’ Rockin’ Fun Zone which turns out to be a razor wire pen.  Walking around the festival Lisa comes across The Alco-Hall Of Fame featuring Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth and Benjamin Franklin.  Elsewhere Bart finds The Tipsy-Whirl a ride for kids that shows them what its like to get drunk by strapping them in a seat and spinning them around.  After the ride he is dizzy to the extreme as the lady supervising the ride declares “now you’re charming” to which he appropriately responds “you don’t know me”.  From here he staggers to Milhouse who has already taken the ride and they exchange drunken affection.  At this point the Beer-Tender Contest begins introduced by Duffman declaring “are you ready for some Duff love?  Today we’re going to discover which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff!” as Yello plays out in the background.  The contestants are Michael Finn from the Green Potato Pub in O’Hare International Airport, Titania from Juggernauts in Hollywood, California and Moe Szyslak from Moe's in Springfield (“the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug”).  And before Moe has even finished greeting the crowd Titania is throwing pints over her breasts to much holler and applause.  The first event is Trick Pouring (which Titania wins).  The final round is “Drunk Toss” which counts for 98% of the final score (“making the previous rounds a complete waste”).  Before beginning Duffman reminds that today’s winner is to be immortalised in the Duff Calendar.  At this point in a gesture of support Homer, Carl and Lenny reveal their chests to spell “MOO” in error (“Lenny, you were supposed to be E”, “see what happens when you skip rehearsal”).  The game involves throwing a drunk out a door and the distance is measured in a sandpit.  At this point Titania complains saying to Duffman “you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk” to which he responds “Duffman says a lot of things, oh yeah!” as walks off past Moe who is attempting (and failing) to lift Barney before deciding to run at him with a bat with a nail causing Barney to run and dive into the sandpit beating Finn’s effort just short of 12 feet when his tongue rolls out.  In victory Moe states what an honour it is to compete against “the mick and the chick with the rack” before Duffman brings out Duff’s Vice President In Charge Of Calendars And Fake I.D.s Phil Angelinis to take his official calendar portrait.  Unfortunately with Moe not being the most attractive man in the world the photo does not come out well prompting the comment from Duffman of “that’s a mug you don’t want to chug” to the more reasoned corporate response of “knock it off Larry, we can’t put this face on our calendar” while Homer, Carl and Lenny hold Moe aloft in victory.  With that the family returns to the Duff Designated Driver’s Rockin’ Fun Zone to collect Marge where she has since been joined by Seymour, Apu and Kirk.  From here they exit as on the way out they get a pink elephant balloon for Maggie from Sleazy the Duff Beer.  The second act begins at Moe’s as he paces behind the bar in front of Barney, Lenny and Carl nervously waiting for the Duff calendar to be delivered which Homer runs in with as Moe makes room on his wall for it by removing his liquor licence which Lenny points out as having expired in 1973 and only being good in Rhode Island.  And it has been signed/authorised by Moe himself.  Conceding it is old Moe states “yeah yeah I been meaning to get that updated for this date and real” before return attention to the calendar with “lets see the poster boy for the new Moellennium” as unfortunately his photo has been covered by a large “Drink Duff” logo sticker covering his face.  He then removes the sticker to reveal “Duff Enuff”, “Viva La Duff”, “Kiss Me I’m Duff”, “Ich Bin Ein Duff” and “I’mo Duff You Up!” stickers beneath.  Then finally he gets to his face which is now covered in sticker glue making his picture look even worse than it already is (which is pretty bad).  Horrified Moe asks “am I really that ugly?” and Carl attempts to help by saying “its all relative.  Is Lenny really that dumb?  Is Barney that drunk?  Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?”  With that Moe breaks down “oh my god, its worse than I thought” as Homer, Barney and Lenny also all burst out crying at the bar as Carl looks to the camera and says “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  After the break Moe continues reviewing the calendar stating “I can’t believe they put those stickers over my face” before resigning himself to “I must be the ugliest man alive” as Homer the guys continue trying to cheer him up asking if he has ever seen the people that go to White Castle (“Pig Town USA”).  Unswayed Moe continues “come on look at me, I’m a gargoyle what with the cauliflower ear and the lizard lips” to which Carl adds “little rat eyes”, Homer adds “caveman brow” and Lenny adds “don’t forget that fish snout”.  Wounded Moe puts his hands up and says “I get it, I ain’t pleasant to look at” as Lenny further chips in “or listen to” and Carl adds “or be with” as Homer leaps to his defence stating “come on Moe don’t feel bad, there’s too much emphasis on looks these days, that’s why they won’t let Bill Maher on TV before midnight”.  Trying to be helpful Lenny “if you’re tired of being an eyesore why not get some plastic surgery”.  Taking the idea on board, Moe offers “maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser”.  Dubious Carl comments “I dunno, plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside but you might still feel bad on the inside” but undaunted by the idea of feeling bad on the inside Moe shakes Carl’s hand for his idea stating “Carl Carlson, you just saved my life” as for some reason randomly Homer is behind the bar taking money from the till.  We return to the Simpsons house where Maggie is still playing with her pink elephant balloon.  With this Bart and Lisa step in commenting on how nice it must be to be amused by something so simple before grabbing it from Maggie and fighting for it at which point it gets loose and floats away towards the front door which Bart closes just in time only for it to get sucked into the fireplace and up the chimney and off into the distance prompting tears from Maggie as Bart and Lisa get their bikes and give pursuit.  Returning to Moe we enter the office of the Cosmetic Surgery Group (“We’ll Cut You Good”) where he is in his underwear and being inspected by a tanned surgeon in disco like ensemble complete with big collars, purple shirt and medallion.  During his examination he makes discouraging sounds including that of a bomb dropping causing Moe to comment “its hopeless ain’t it”.  The foreign doctor responds “no no no, I love a challenge.  First I must install buttocks” as Moe refuses stating “no luxury items, just the face”.  With that the surgeon begins survey his face before he snaps “can the medical mumbo jumbo, can you fix me or not?” to which the surgeon responds “we’ll see.  Most faces need a little remodelling but this is a total teardown”.  Returning to their pursuit of the balloon we spot Bart swinging a butterfly net at said balloon while sitting on Lisa’s shoulders as she rides her bike.  Back to the operating theatre Moe is being knocked out with gas ahead of his procedure.  The nurse on hand comments “oh boy, what a mug” to which the surgeon responds “you should see his genitals.  Would you like to see them?” as Moe states that he is still awake and can hear them.  It turns out that instead of anaesthetic, they have been pumping new car smell into his mouth.  With this the turn changes the setting and Moe passes out singing “silver bells”.  Meanwhile Bart and Lisa’s pursuit of the elephant balloon takes them to an office building where outside they leave Lisa’s bike only for Snake and his son to promptly hop aboard and ride off (“oh, that’s my little dude!”).  Inside the building a board meeting is taking place with the chair saying “we need a symbol, something that says we’re gay and Republican” just as the balloon floats in through the window offering the perfect image except to the comment “a little on the nose don’t you think?”  With this Lisa and Bart run in the room to collect their balloon as the chair hands it to them along with a bumper sticker that reads “A Gay President In 2084”.  Lisa questions the date as the response is “we’re realistic”.  Back at Springfield General Hospital the surgery is complete as the surgeon removes the bandages from Moe’s head as Homer tells him to hurry up as he needs to pee.  Shockingly a beautiful woman’s face is revealed.  And on that surprise Homer says “OK, now do Moe”.  As he unwraps Moe’s face the surgeon “well now we see if you go on my wall of fame or my blooper reel”.  When his face is revealed both Homer and the surgeon step back and gasp as naturally Moe snaps “what?  I’m a monster, right?  I knew it.  I guess I’ll just crawl back to live in the sewer periodically emerging to sue you”.  However when presented with a mirror it turns out that Moe is now handsome.  In disbelief Moe points and says “is that me?” as a tear trickles from his left eye which actually turns out to be leakage the surgeon immediately quarter sizes causing pain.  Next we see Moe leaving the hospital as four nurses gather round him saying “don’t be a stranger handsome”.  Outside Moe comments to Homer saying “did you hear that?” adding “its like I gone to heaven” before asking “I died on the operating table, didn’t I?”  Laughing Homer responds “yeah, but just for a minute.  It’s a funny story, I’ll tell ya sometime” and shocked and excited Moe realises “so this is all real?”  On that realisation Homer put his arm around Moe and they begin walking as he says “you dear, dear man.  You’re one of us beautiful people now and your new life begins today”.  Now coming to terms with the situation Moe states “a new life, a second chance…for revenge”.  And the first act of revenge is to drive to Duffman’s house and place a Duff sticker on his face (“Duffman can’t breathe, oh no”).  Next Moe and Homer go running up to the house of a lady who turned down his invitation to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance at High School as Moe rings the door to show her the face she “could have been kissing now” as Homer hiding in a bush reiterates the sentiment.  At this point the lady apologies saying “oh I was just a stupid kid back then and I feel terrible about hurting you.  Will you accept my apology?” which confuses Moe (“an apology?  Well Jeez, I wasn’t expecting that”).  Fortunately in a moment of clarity (dumb clarity) Homer exacts revenge emerging from the bush and throwing a rock through her window and shouting “run!” prompting Moe to declare “man that felt great”.  With this we cut to the Channel 6 Studios as Homer and Moe drive up stating “last stop Channel 6”.  Homer asks “you gonna get even with the lottery guy that never picks our numbers?” as Moe responds “nah nah nah, this is personal” as the episode does a flashback to his acting days and auditioning for the role of Dr Tad Winslow on the hit soap It Never Ends.  His audition immediately fails as the casting producers/execs discuss how they wanted “gritty and ugly” but they wanted “Mary Ann on Gilligan’s Island ugly not Cornelius on Planet Of The Apes ugly, TV ugly not ugly ugly” all of which is being heard by Moe listening through a stage wall using his stethoscope.  Returning to the now Moe states sadly “I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly but never ugly ugly” before Homer puts his hand on his shoulder declaring “well its time to get some closure.  Extreme closure”.  With this we cut to the studio door of It Never Ends where inside the current Dr Tad Winslow is arguing with an exec stating how he has been the character for 25 years and how it is time he got a payrise to which the lady’s response is “oh shut up you windy old hack”.  At this point Moe pulls him aside asking the lady if she remembers him from 25 years ago “when you said I was too ugly to play Dr Tad Winslow”.  Oblivious she responds “I did?  Well that’s why pencils have erasers” as she puts her arm around Moe and announces “you’re our new Dr Tad Winslow”.  Naturally objecting to the decision the existing Dr Tad Winslow runs in declaring “there can’t be two Dr Tad Winslows, that’s going to…..oh” and with that realisation and resignation he removes his eye patch (revealing a tan line) and hands it to Moe.  With this he says “I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment” while in the background Homer laughs in giddy evil fashion as he douses the set in petrol.  Upon seeing this Moe runs over “Homer change of plans” prompting him to dump the gas can on the floor and walk off stating “whatever”.  The third act begins with the opening credits of It Never Ends and the Simpsons watching the show in their front room.  Lisa states “I don’t know if I’ll be able to accept Moe as Dr Tad Winslow” with Marge adding “well I’m going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk” as the episode cuts to just that with Moe in a round bed with a character called Cleo (“you brought music to my heart but this relationship can never work.  I’m a doctor and you’re a 5000 year old mummy I brought back to life”, “but I love you Tad and together we can burn all the cities of the earth”.  “Its against hospital regulations damnit and Clive Dancer’s just waiting for me to slip up”).  From here we cut to Moe’s where Homer, Lenny and Carl are walking up to the door (“so Lenny how are things working out with you and that girl next door?”, “ah, its over.  She got a window shade”).  When they open the door they are shocked/surprised to see Moe surrounding by ten ladies including Edna Krabappel, Luann Van Houten, Selma Bouvier, Miss Hoover and Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon (“if you must grope me ladies, please a little softer.  OK, now harder”).  Annoyed by the presence of women in their bar and lack of attention the three of them moan as Moe tells Homer that he is “a little busy” to pour him a beer and that he can do it himself as he states “this isn’t nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem” as the tap comes off in his hand and fires a beer spray into his face, into his mouth which he swallows and soon gets intoxicated with.  Returning to the studio Moe is in his dressing room practising his lines with Homer (“I’ve dedicated my life to diseases of the head hole but the one hole I’ve never been able to fix is the one in my soul”).  Impressed Homer states “that was amazing Moe, I’m actually a little turned on” as Moe declares “hey, I’ve got a gift.  As a child I was bitten by the acting bug.  Then burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart.  Now those eggs are hatching and the feeling is indescribable” to which Homer answers “I know the feeling, our dog had that”.  With this there is a knock on the door as a courier arrives with a delivery for the producers, a package with “top secret storylines” printed on the outside.  Sneakily Moe signs for it and promptly rips it open (“might as well have a little peak”).  Inside is a blue bound book stating “It Never Ends Future Plot Lines” which shows Dr Tad Winslow getting back with the evil character Contessa (“the one with the amulet?”) before getting in a skydiving accident and being rushed to the graveyard (“they’re killing off Dr Tad Winslow!”).  Grabbing the book Homer gives a second opinion reading the brief script excerpt and stating “yup, that does sound kind of bad”.  Turning to the mirror Moe declares “if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”.  Cutting back to the show we find Dr Tad Winslow in a Jacuzzi with Contessa as he expresses his new trust for her and she attempts to persuade him into taking a skydiving lesson then just as he offers “how could I say no?” a door bell sounding suspiciously like Homer rings as Moe gets out the Jacuzzi and answers the door where Homer is dressed as a makeshift angel.  In a ghostly voice he announces “Dr Winslow I am angel from the future” as in the gallery the producer checks the script while the director snaps “what the fudge?” which is bleeped out.  He asks the producer “shall I cut him off?” as she says “no, lets see where this is going”.  With that the revised version of the episode plays out with Homer as the “Angel Of The Future” predicting Dr Tad Winslow’s death in a skydiving accident along with other predictions (future plots).  Back home Bart gripes “what’s dad doing on the show?” with Marge responding “who cares, he’s dishing the dirt” as she writes “sexy results” on her pad.  As Homer continues to reveal plotlines in the gallery the producer is pulling her hair out stating “he just gave away a year’s worth of storylines.  Cut him off….now”.  Having now wrecked the show Moe and Homer laugh and high five as the producer stomps out and grabs Moe asking “what the hell are you doing?”  Jubilantly Moe replies “stickin’ it to ya for killing of my character” pointing at the future plot lines book further cheering and high-fiving Homer.  At this point the producer states “you idiot, Dr Winslow was only going to die in a dream” adding “pink pages always mean a dream”.  Aghast Moe says “I thought dreams was on golden rod” which it turns out is for coma fantasies.  Now with that point out Moe asks “so what time tomorrow?” to which the producer naturally laughs calling for security to escort the pair of them out….now.  Angered Moe shrugs off his security guard declaring “I don’t need your stinkin’ show anyway, with a mug like this I can get on any soap in Springfield before stepping through a door attached to a stage wall which topples on and flattens his head (his face) amazingly avoiding the rest of his body (“my face, I’m not supposed to put any weight on it”).  With this two stagehands lift the wall as Moe emerges to the gasps of the studio crew and the reality that his face has returned to how it used to look.  We return to Moe’s where inside Homer is apologising for Moe’s face as with an air of acceptance he states “nah, its just as well.  That handsome face was nice but it was too much maintenance.  I had to wash it, rub it with neatsfoot oil.  You did me a favour Homer.  And to think I just about to sell the bar to Hooters” prompting a “doh!”  With that Moe states “well I guess that wraps it up.  There’s one thing I just don’t get though: when my face was crushed, why’d it go back to my old face.  I mean, shouldn’t it have turned to some kind of third face that was different?  Don’t make no…..”

IS IT ANY GOOD:

It’s OK, its subtle but not amazing or laugh out loud funny.

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME:

So many lessons to be learned.  The main issue is the one of appearance and how much it affects and influences your life both positively and negatively.  For a long time Moe has suffered due to his looks and seldom experienced love which has seen him remain nasty and negative all throughout the series.  The game is rigged.  He was not supposed to win the bartender contest, Titania was supposed to after sleeping with Duffman.  The revelation that the terms such “beauty is only skin deep” and “its what’s inside that counts” are nonsense is not a new one, Moe remains as damaged as ever.  Rather teaching, it just confirms what a superficial world we live in.  Moe is the most tragic character in The Simpsons.

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

The couch gag contains a shot of the screen housing a Matt Groening signature in the bottom left hand side which Marge promptly wipes off as quickly an animated Groening runs and reinstates the signature.  There is reference to Gilligan’s Island and Planet Of The Apes.  Also the unveiling of Moe after plastic surgery is a classic riff on the Batman movie Joker scene.

BEST LINES:

The Moe mission statement of “well, if they’re gonna stomp on my dreams, the least I can do is go out in a blaze of sour grapes”. Carl saying “see, this is why I don’t talk much”.  Homer stating “I know, I’m a character”.

BEST JOKES:

Snake swiftly placing his son on Lisa’s bike and casually rolling it away with the boy shouting “daddy!  I’m stealing!  I’m stealing!”  The manner in which Homer nonchalantly loses interest in torching the studio set.

PERIPHERAL MOMENT:

As the items she grabs before leaving the house Lisa grabs her saxophone, Snowball II and her school trophy for attendance, Bart grabs Santa’s Little Helper and Marge grabs Maggie and the hoover.  Duff Days beer festival comes with the tag “A Lost Weekend For The Whole Family!”  Duff is brewed from hops, barley and sparkling clear mountain goat (according to Titania).  Channel 6 has a hit soap called It Never Ends which has the tagline “like the cleaning of a house….”  The show stars Gabriella Defarge as Gabriella St Farge, Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide and Moe Szyslak as Dr Tad Winslow.  Other characters include Cleo a 5000 year old mummy brought back to life, Clive Dancer, the evil Contessa and Professor Galloway who has a half sister.  Future plots for the show include Gabriella’s baby shower being invaded by terrorists with sexy results, Sister Bernadette leaving the convent and starting a softball team with sexy results and Professor Galloway’s half sister is plotting to take over international perfume and wine.

REALITY CROSSOVER:

There is actually a lot of tangible touches subtly placed within this episode for me.  Its very sad but over the years I have found myself associating with Moe’s plight on a very real level.  Not being the best looking person in the world, I have suffered similar prejudice due to my appearance as displayed here, not least from females.  His forced smile only making him look more deranged is an aspect to my being I have spent many years trying to stunt.

MVP:

Moe deservedly gets it for offering/delivering many philosophical thoughts and life lessons.

GUEST APPEARANCES:

None.

SONGS:

Duffman continuing/persisting in using “Oh Yeah” by Yello as his theme music.

EPISODE LINKS:

No explicit links.

PERCULARITIES:

Moe points out the biggest peculiarity at the end: why upon being crushed did his face return to its former state?  Also such a crush would probably tend to kill a man.

BART ON THE BLACKBOARD:

Dodgeball stops at the gym door.

OTHER:

It has been said that the character of Moe is based on Rich Hall so possibly there maybe some truth in this scenario, at some point 25 years ago Hall may have gone up for an acting job and been turned down based on his looks.

FINAL WORDS:

Overanalysing this episode has depressed me.